Should I pick up a crying newborn every time?

[DangerouslyBored]

Currently 6 months pregnant with PFB. Chatting with in laws recently, my MiL said, “you’re not going to be one of those mothers that picks up the baby every time it cries are you?”. I said I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “you will make a rod for your own back if you do”.

So, I Googled ‘should I pick up my newborn every time they cry?’ and I’m as much in the dark as I was when I started. Seems that there is a ton of contradictory advice / studies on the subject. Can anyone fill me in on the latest advice?

Definitely pick them up. When they are tiny every little thing you do for them is building up a foundation of love and trust. When you are responsive to them they are learning to trust that you will come when they call for you (in the only way they know how).

Building a good, secure attachment between yourself and your baby is what you are aiming for. I don’t believe in a rod for your own back. A secure baby that knows it’s mum or dad will come when they cry is a much happier older baby / toddler.

I’m sure it will come naturally to you when the baby is here. I have a newborn baby who is my third. Sometimes she has to be left to cry for a minute while I’m sorting out one of the other children and it feels literally unbearable to hear her crying.

Yes, pick the baby up as often as you want to and hold for as long as you want to. You cannot spoil a newborn.

It's also ok if you feel like you need to put them down in their safe sleeping spot if you ever feel like you need a moment to collect yourself. It can sometimes be overwhelming

Absolutely! Read about the fourth trimester. It's very interesting. Babies are small mammals after all and our type of mammals are supposed to be close to their mothers.

We're not the type of mammals who are supposed to leave the baby in a nest (like mice say), we're the type that should be clinging to our hair for a few months after birth.

A good back supported sling will be a godsend. Honestly.

Oh god. DS is 5 weeks old, my mum is already banging on about needing to start baby rice at 14 weeks because my breastmilk "won't be enough". I have all this to come...

Yes but...

You can't always do that once you have 2 or 3, especially with 2 in nappies at the same time. I did find that the 2 babies who had to learn to settle sometimes were more relaxed overall. And definitely not troubled as adults!

@AwkwardPaws27 if you think about the calories in milk (formula or breast) vs the calories in baby rice/ veggies, that will give you an answer for your mum......

Hungry baby? Increase the milk feeds.

Yes. Every time. I hear so many people talk about how babies and young children are manipulating their parents by crying. No... they have unmet needs and are crying for you to help them.

It's literally your only job right now and you can never ever do it again. You only get this time. Hold them every.single.time.

Of course you do!

Yes, if you can. I definitely did with my eldest. Couldn't always get there as fast with my youngest but I did my best.

Neither of my children are or have been tantrummers. Not saying it's because of anything I did, but I guess I haven't made them overly dependent on me.

The stressiest baby at our NCT group had the mum who said she never interrupted her meals to pick her crying newborn up as 'he needs to learn he can't always have his own way.'

The best thing I've read is that a baby's wants and needs are the same. You're not spoiling the baby by giving them comfort. They've spent 9 months wrapped up in the warmth and comfort in your body and suddenly they're out alone in the cold, and you picking them up and holding them close is the most reassuring and loving thing you can do.

I'd suggest that if MIL makes a big deal of you doing this once baby is here, or says 'you're spoiling her/him' you just do a little laugh and say 'gosh, no such thing' and continue to smile lovingly down at your baby as if she hasn't just said something ridiculous. She can't begrudge you for loving your own baby!

The only rod you'll be making gor your back is listening and being dictated to by MIL!

Not her baby not her business, unless you ASK for advice.

I recommend just getting a stock phrase in place. Something along the lines of 'thank you, but advice is rather different these days'. Or 'thank you, but I'm going to do what feels right for me'.

This. And be prepared for a passive agressive eye roll, or a derisive little laugh that insinuates "hark at her - she'll learn!"

My step monster in law said the exact same thing when I had my first DC. It’s old outdated advice and I think it is neglect as well.

Obviously, I or DH always picked them up every time they cried. Often when we could tell they wanted to be picked up but before they got to the crying stage. Babies will rustle about and make snuffling noises indicating they need you before they cry.

Actual upset crying, yes. I think you can be more relaxed about a bit of moaning and grunting, though. I put a toy bar above my DC's cot from a few months old and that used to keep DC amused for a bit in the morning and after naps.

Though I think it's fine for the baby to wait a few minutes if you're on the loo or in the shower or similar. There will be times when you just can't pick up your screaming baby (in a traffic jam on the motorway, for example) and it feels terrible, but no long-term harm done.

Yes. Also go to antenatal group and learn latest advice.

As a newborn you pick them up every time.

But I wouldn't be surprised if she was referring to a slightly older baby with the comments, as after a few months I don't know anyone who would drop everything to pick the child up if it was a ratty cry (not a cry for food, nappy, anything genuinely uncomfortable) they'd rub their belly or back. Play with them in situ, but not always pick right up

I picked mine up when they cried, when they didn't cry, when they were awake, sometimes even when they were asleep She's being archaic, her parenting was from when she had her kids, now it's your turn, do it your way.

Yes pick them up BUT I will add a caveat here to say if they are fed / clean / safe, you won't do harm to leave them crying for a few minutes e.g. if things get too much and you need a time out or if you need the loo etc.
As for children learning not to cry if you don't respond, this is a load of nonsense and based on the plight of Romanian orphans in the 80/90s but that situation was extreme and not equivalent to 5 mins while you have a quick wee or even cry it out imo (can see footage of Romanian orphanages on YouTube). Also I did try CIO with my eldest (now 2) and currently youngest (6 months old) will bawl eyes out if I need the loo for a few minutes. Neither have learned crying doesn't elicit a response and stopped crying. Clearly they didn't get that memo 🤣
Be easy on yourself when baby is here. Motherhood is hard without worrying every cry will leave lasting damage (it won't!)

Pick up and smother with love. Actually if you are 6 months prego get confi like you can. If you can't It's hubby's turn, as everyone said if you really can't of course it can wait. They are safe it's ok. You will have a calmer more confident child, it builds up.

You can't spoil a baby, despite what our mothers tell us.

I am going to leave here the newborn commandments.

Dear mummy and daddy,

Please keep this letter from me in a place where you can read it and re-read it when things are rough and you are feeling down.
• Please don’t expect too much from me as a newborn baby, or too much from yourselves as parents. Give us both 6 weeks as a birthday present, 6 weeks for me to grow, develop, mature, and become more stable and predictable – 6 weeks for you to rest and relax and allow your body to get back to normal.
• Please feed me when I am hungry, I never knew hunger in your womb and clocks and time mean little to me.
• Please hold, cuddle, kiss, touch, stroke, and croon to me. I was always held closely in your womb and have never been alone before.
• Please forgive me if I cry a lot. I am not a tyrant who was sent to make your life miserable, the only way I can tell you I am not happy is with my cry, bear with me and in a short time, as I mature, I will spend less time crying and more time socialising.
• Please take the time to find out who I am, how I differ from you and how much I can bring to you. Watch me carefully and I’ll tell you things which sooth, console and please me.
• Please remember that I am resilient and can withstand the many natural mistakes you’ll make with me. As long as you make them with love, I cannot be harmed.
• Please don’t be disappointed when I am not the perfect baby you expected nor be disappointed with yourselves when you are not the perfect parents.
• Please take care of yourself; eat a balanced diet, rest, and exercise so that when we are together, you have the patience and energy to take care of me. The cure for a fussy baby is more rest for Mum.
• Please take care of your relationship with each other. What good is family bonding if there is no family left for me to bond with.
• Keep the “big picture” in mind. I’ll be like this for a very short time, though it seems like forever to you now. Although I may have turned your life upside down, please remind yourselves that things will be back to normal before long.
• Enjoy me – I’ll never be this little again!

Yes, obviously you pick up a crying baby, what kind of person leaves a newborn baby to cry!

It depends. When you've got more than one small child you can't always stop what you're doing to tend to a baby if it's just whimpering. A baby that needs picking up, you will know about it. I never picked up for every whimper and my second, third and fourth babies all learned to self soothe (they had comfort then went down awake. If the whimpers went into full blown cries I'd pick up) and as a result they were great sleepers compared to my eldest who I would constantly pick up.

Yes you should pick your baby up when they cry if you can. Babies can’t be manipulative and you can’t ‘spoil’ a baby by cuddling them as some people like to say - they cry to communicate that they need something. Google the fourth trimester and ignore your MIL.

Yes pick your baby up. It creates good healthy attachment. The rod for your own back nonsense is not good child development practice. I always picked up my daughter and she frequently slept cuddling me in the day etc. Now everyone always comments on how confident she is. She is always happy to go off to nursery or to play with others but also happy to return to me - because she feels secure in her attachment with me and doesnt need to cling. That because I met her needs when she was little so she had no worries about whether or not I would come or not if needed