Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

Doesn't he pay maintenance?

weird redactions soz, should have proof read.
Talking about two differsnt kids and a trip over seas where he still lives.

Not a penny @DenholmElliot1

I assume absent dad that lives abroad? You two no longer together? How often does he talk to/ see the kids?

If that is the case, why are you being so nice? Apologising for not coming to see him? Excusing your request for a contribution with the cost of living?

I agree your being way too nice.

Why doesn't he pay maintenance ? Thats bizzare.

Tell him explicitly how much he needs to start paying.

Don't be so nice.

Yes you are being unreasonable- you shouldn’t have cried when you sent this. You shouldn’t be asking for his help, you should be DEMANDING it. You shouldn’t be providing nice jolly updates, offering visits, justifying that you will always do the best you can, whilst he sits on his arse scratching.
You are phenomenal, and possibly too nice. He is a lazy dick and should be ashamed of himself

So sad @SantanaBinLorry I don’t get why parents like this don’t want to pay. Don’t they live their kids? How can they look at themselves in the mirror? My husband pays maintenance to his ex and I would be disgusted if he didn’t, in fact I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t pay her. People like your ex make me sick and I’m sorry you’re going through this, horrid man.

Stop being so nice

He should be contributing but as he isn’t then why bother with all the nice updates- let him talk to them himself if he’s bothered

So, he's having contact with them and wants some form of relationship with them but isn't paying a single penny to support? What a complete shit.

Where does he live? Is he a UK citizen?

I am sorry but he has no interest n his children.There are so many fathers like this so so sad.You are an amazing mother and do every thing for them I am sure.Have you claimed the £80 benefit for every school child on FSM? Also ask at the school for uniform help and the second hand school uniform shop that the school may have.There are also n this area activities that are free in the holidays.He should send money but I doubt it.Sorry

We moved abroad all together. Split up 5 yrs ago, I brought the kids 'home' 3 years ago. He stayed.
He's not seen them since then. Calls maybe once every 6 weeks :(

Communication with him is VERY difficult. I dearly wish I could just tell him what the fucks what... But then i would be blamed for his subsequent mental breakdown etc.
Its such hard, hard work wording things to him, he will assign blame no matter what. I could spell it out in flowers to him and he'd still react badly!

He is pathetic and such a useless waste of space. Sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with pp, why are you giving him such a detailed update about the kids. You have made it far too easy for him to opt out, because he just needs to read the update to know anything about them. Why are you not collecting maintenance?

I don't think you are wrong for gritting your teeth and being civil. You could demand all you like, but the truth is you are reliant on his good will, and getting his back up will make it easier for him to say no.

Obviously he should send you money, but equally obviously he knows this already. Do people think a nasty email is really going to make him send money?

You’re a good egg OP.

But why isn't he paying maintenance? What excuse is he giving?

That email update you sent him reminds me of the "round robin" xmas cards people used to send out every year .

Ask him for maintenance. Tell him its 20% of his salary. Report back here what his response is and we will help you to figure out some options.

And stop updating him on the kids. They will have their own phones soon and can contact him independantly then.

I think you should have asked for advice before sending email, whereby the majority of us here would say don’t ask for money, but request he pay towards his DC’s welfare.

This sounds difficult, but I am not sure why you are taking responsibility for his behaviour. I assume it's part of a toxic relationship dynamic which contributed to your breakup.
I get you are sad, I just don't think you will get anywhere by pandering to him. His feelings are not your responsibility.

Crying again now, you 'orrible lot!
Its wrong isn't it, what a dick.

Its not really a drip feed, but he will always blame me for 'taking the kids away' Although thats really not what happened. We had discussed before we first relocated a list of senarios where we would consider moving back to the UK. That happened and me and the kids moved back. he couls have moved back at any point.
I didnt drag them off to Timbujuck Tu... I brought the home, at the right time for them.

He struggles to hold down any kind of job. The reason we split, so has never really had any money to give. he gets 400 euros every month from him Dad.
The rest I imagine he picks up from odd jobs and gigs. he's probably almost certainly still their illegally. I sorted all the admin, residencey and paper work when we were together. He now lives in a shared cottage with no electricty or water supply.

I'd just move on personally.

He's clearly not interested. I wouldn't even want his bloody money.

Although why didn't you set something in place 5 years ago? Why wait til now to send an obvious 'wow look how amazing your kids are' (he doesn't care clearly) followed by a 'I can't afford them please send money'

I'd cut ties and just stop communicating with him.

I agree with PP that myabe it's just time to move on and trying to manage the best you can. I don't see grovelling and asking for money you won't get will have any kind of positive impact on you or your kids.

I agree, stop giving him updates on the kids, unless he's asking for them. Be more direct. But yes I agree it's sad its come to this.

*there