Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

You need to write to him and say in three years he has not paid a penny towards HIS children. He made children he needs both legally and morally to pay maintenance and this should be a minimum of 20% of his income by law. And he should be back paying it as for 3 years you have Nothing.

copy both him and his parents in.

if they say anything about your marriage point out you aren’t married and this isn’t about that but a FATHER supporting his kids. Children he chose to have. How he needs to step up and support the children he created.

repeat that over and over.

He knows exactly what you're asking him and he obviously just doesn't want to give any money to you, which is why he is talking about the kids accounts. Whatever has gone on, he doesn't trust you with the money. Either way, you're flogging a dead horse. I agree with the previous poster about the new boyfriend. You indicated that he's supporting you. How do you know that's not going to break up too? Better off for everyone involved if you're self reliant and make your own money.

Honestly. You now have a new partner. You have double income coming into your house. You get child benefit for 2 children.

You're just causing yourself grief pursuing this. He's not interested and by the sound of it doesn't have the money anyway so in reality, you're going to get nowhere

Just focus on your new family unit. You don't need the money, yes it would be nice, but if I knew the Dad of my children didn't even have it, I'm sure I wouldn't waste any more of my energy trying to make his life even more miserable. Move on and focus on your own happiness.

Thanks to those who have advised and empathised.
I'm defo taking onboard about being too nice and sending updates. I suppose I've been wanting to keep lines of communication open. And tbf...the last update he had was june 2021. I needed to let him know about available dates etc and not send an email just asking for money. I'll not be sending update from now on.

I repeat, I'm more sad that he pretends to but actually gives no fucks, than the money.

Those of you on about my new boyfriend and current situation. He's my husband you numpties.
Don't worry, I'm too old for anymore kids so you can relax about any more possible irresponsible breeding.
I mean, its much more fun for you to make shit up to get a story you can object to...
But for clarity (not that i should have to explain myself!) My Husband is supporting us, as I literally cant stand on my own two feet at the moment after a a potentially life changing/career ending/disabling injury. Not two wages, one medium wage a SSP that will come to an end soon.
I'm not sure how I could be completely self reliant right now. I don't have to be or want to be. I grew up poor-poor, I know how to make what we've got coming in work for us .In many ways i've 'made it' - Living the Upper Working Class Dream with our (rented) semi. I'll have to completely retrain and my husband will support the cost of that, as I would do for him if the tables were turned.
Not for everyone, but its the way it is for very many.

Yes, there are 'reasons' why ex can't hold down a job. None of it is my problem anymore thank fuck. But he has some money to live on and in principle he should offer without being asked. He doesn't so it makes him a dick and I no longer care the reason why he can't do it, just the fact that he doesn't.

I've heard the 'lies' from him already. But I'm not too worried, they are so far fetched - adulteress drug user kinda thing . I nipped that in the bud straight off. Its really not in his interest to speak ill of me to the kids - Ive got a whole host of truths I could let the kids have (I wont) if I wanted to.

Wrt causing him 'bother' Its not my problem, be he is the kids Dad. I'm not going to get him arrested/detained/deported...which is what will happen if I chase him officially. This man does not react well to authority, I'm not going to knowingly put him in a position that could end really badly for him and his mental health. That in the long run would effect the kids.

He really doesn't want to give money directly to me, I know that. But he's gonna have to. Taking advice from here of how to word it that will 'work' without it kicking off and upsetting me. I have to give it one last try.
We're going to sit down and work out actual costs for things we need at least til Sept/Winter.
I really cant imagine it will be anything regular.

Both kids are in high school come Sept, I think i might just start saying 'ask your Dad' for anything they ask for /hint at that are just out of reach for us right now.

Wish me luck!

If his issue is paying to you (not that it should be) would a transfer to school account be a suggestion then money there for trips, books, lunches etc. DC’s school used sco pay you uploaded money to it from any bank card.
He really does have the hide of a rhino. You need to be blunt and spell it out. I wasn’t walking about pocket money I was talking about maintenance. Boys need £400 of uniform this summer inc shoes, sports kits. DC 2 is starting high school. I have paid for all uniform so far. You need to transfer £400 by x date.

The only thing with ask your dad is each time he fails to it hammers home to them what a dead beat he is. Probably made worse by stringing along in same way as his promises to visit so child gets hopes up especially younger one and tells friends I’m going on the trip my dad will pay then as night follows day he doesn’t.

Of course 😥 Ggrr. It's not fair on them.

He'd probably be happier paying something straight to the school. But It wouldn't add up to much of a help to us...
Both do packed lunches and Uniform/shoes etc are not bought from the school.
Not sure what Big trips are coming up?
We've always said we'd look at the costs of those as and when they came up. There's been nothing since we've been back in UK/COVID... but there's rumours of a ski trip 😩

If you don't need the money I'd cut your losses & not bother any more. But...the email was far too nice & far too long. I'd also have been more direct, with consequences outlined. Otherwise there's no 'incentive' for him to step up. It sounds lik the children are already twigging he's not interested in their life, so that ship has sailed.

Ďo the dc have blinkers on regarding him or are they full aware of him being a knob?

It doesn’t really matter what he’s happier with. You can link to uniform shop. Everyone knows uniform for starting secondary costs £££. He can moan on all he likes to people about your audacity asking for money for uniform/shoes it just shows him to be awful person he is. I’d go for something so obvious like uniform then he has no grounds to object. It’s not for frivolity or him paying anything that could benefit you. Short factual email - you need to pay x by y. He’ll probably still ignore it.

Because sadly some people are just evil. My ex is evil and has 10k arrears with CMS that he is refusing to pay. He can look himself if the mirror because he is a narcissist that convinces himself he is the victim, despite years of my struggle to bring up our DD. We have nothing to do with him.
Stop being so nice OP and start protecting yourself and your kids from rejection.

Dear Ex

Children are expensive
Please arrange to pay £xx per month.
You will / not need to pay arrears as I have / not covered this
Please let me know if there are any issues as soon as possible
Thanks
Ex

What £80?

This thread is from 4 months ago…

I couldn't be bothered with all that - just for money. Personally, I would cut him off completely, stop pandering to him with information/updates, let him chase you. As/when/if he does, then demand money but go through the proper channels.

Otherwise, i'm afraid I would simply move on and pay for them myself. If they have a new stepfather, surely he is stepping up and able to buy uniforms etc? You've just said you want for nothing and he's providing for everything you need - so why even message shit head ex for more money giving him info about the children?! I could understand it it you were massively struggling. I know he shouldn't have to, but I really wouldn't want this 'biological' father in my life. What's he bringing to them? Nothing!

We have zero contact with inlaws. Zero. They provide financially for their other grandchildren as they're quite wealthy but I'll be damned if I'm taking even 1p of their shitty money. I would rather have my own self esteem. Our kids have zero contact with them. i certainly do not ever update them about what the kids are up to.

oh FFS - it was in trending - probably due to 'you may also like'

@mnhq

Why are you stressing about “ keeping lines of communication open” ? If he wanted to get in touch he would. In fact closing him down might even have the opposite effect.
The kids and their father will have whatever relationship either side allows. It’s not your job frankly as you are no longer with him. Don’t make him some drama in their lives. He left and he doesn’t keep in touch. His choice, not a reflection on your children or you.

Grrrrr. Almost a Zombie.

Poor you - and poor DC.

The only good things in this manjunk’s life are what he gave up on.

I’d talk to his DF. Chances are he’s lied and told DF he’s supporting his DC.

YET ANOTHER ZOMBIE THREAD

What a pathetic waste of space just like my ex who fled abroad to avoid paying a penny.