Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

Again, give over.
'Bright teen set to do well' is hardly 'personal business'
My kid know from me that he's to try his best , that all.

I cant control what my ex might make of it.

Teens are very different, mine wouldn't give two hoots about this info being shared, its really not 'private' No bragging or angst, it just is what it is. I'm made up and so is he's going into his gcse years more than on track. Bearing in mind he was in school in another country 3 years ago.

Is there a way to check his legal status. If he’s there illegally so he can’t leave and re enter at least you can be open with kids and say I know dad has said that but I don’t know why he has he can’t come.
There’s obviously a lot of back history. Do the kids have any direct contact with grandparents?

I'd send via email a copy of each DC report.

I would keep correspondence to the point.

Sounds like you'll never get a penny from him OP so I wouldn't ask in future.

And a high 5 to you. You're doing fantastic.

@Dixiechickonhols ... I think thats what it is, he can't leave because they wont let him back in as his recidencia is likley to have expired. I dont know if/how i could check that for sure.
You're right, there's History!!! And if history has shown me anything, unless he's got someone else to do all this paper work for him its probably not been done at all.

I don’t understand why you would share though. What do you expect him to reply? If he cared he’d have already asked your son or been registered with school to view his reports etc.
Theres obviously a lot of background. You made your decision to return. You don’t have to prove anything to him.

is there a back story re his parents. do they have any contact with your dc. I'd have no shame in speaking to my pil if ever needed and nor would I standby if any of my dc did what he is doing to you.

💐

In which case why bother?
If she’s going to be a Dick either way then stop pussyfooting around him and get tougher

Maybe post about specifics of country and see if anyone can advise. I suspect you are right. It would then give clarity to you and children. It’s cruel to promise to come and not.
Not criticism of you, think you are being too nice to him.

With regards to me giving Updates, tbf this is the first time Ive emailed him since June last year after he fucked the kids off about coming over.

This email was only sent because he'd mentioned to the kids he 'might. come over. There was a whole list a date the kids are away (redacted) So it was to let him know when they were free.
The asking for money was a 'Cant say i never asked' moment. I don't regret it, or the tone I need to take with ex.
I'll get over the money. Will struggle to get over him clearly not giving a shit.

I've never 'bad mouthed' him, or stood in the way of a relationship. Both have phones/email/skype etc.
They were more than aware that travel restrictions had lifted last year and if he wanted to he COULD have traveled. I just had to shrugg and say 'Im not sure why' The go into the other room to cry.

I think you know you aren't going to get help, so I think what you have sent is a sign actually of being a very lovely person. Hope he feels like a total waste of space! Because he is

What a terrible father. He should feel ashamed for not financially supplying his children and simply not bothering with them. You shouldn’t be sad but more angry of what he is getting away with

Is it worth looking into whether thé country has signed up to legal agreements where children are in one country and nrp in another? Given he's in the eurozone, might be worth a try

You don’t understand why a parent who is proud of her child’s achievement might hold on to the teeny tiny hope that the other parent might also care?

OP sending that email should make you angry not sad.
He sounds like a waste of oxygen.

You sound amazing .

Spain.
There is a way to chase for CM (and where he is they are quite hard-core!)
BUT... I'm not about to cause any actual bother for him. I cant confirm his legal status, but I know the house he is living in is 'unregistered'
But they'd likely be chasing him for nothing...

Fuck that , I'd be in touch with his parents and let them know the lowlife does t ask or contribute to his own children and if they wanted to help contribute from their fathers side of the family
My BFF ex husband literally gives zero too, also got into debt and she's now paying off the Iva as it's in her name. Sone blokes just make life so hard for people and fuck off! He's got another child now too, and doesn't even provide a bed or room for his first child - she sleeps on the mattress in the floor or the sofa. New wife's older child has moved out but they keep his stuff in the currently free bedroom til the baby goes in, leaving BFF daughter wirh still no bedroom - bloody disgraceful how some people behave towards their own children

The money is not the saddest part about this.

Things are tight, but we're ok...-ish They've got the best step-dad looking after us all.We ain't going to Disney (or even camping!) any time soon, but they are provided for fine.

You and your kids sound great. Your note sounds like you are all coping fine. You have asked for extra money- but to be fair, if reading with a thick skin- he could chalk it up to 'everyone is doing well, I'm not needed- money is needed for extras. I'm living in a house with no running water etc (woe is me)

Your kids are thriving in spite of him, not because of him but maybe he won't see it that way?

Would better respond of he was the 'knight in shining armour' coming to rescue the situation.

It would irk me to write. But something along the lines 'they need you to pay for end of school trip as I can't afford to pay'. 'they need you to pay £x every month for essentials- they will know that they will be going without as I cannot afford to pay anymore than I am and you contribute nothing to their upkeep.'

I'd pull back on how well they are doing. This is their glory (and yours), not his doing.

What would be the point of being nasty? Or to remove contact?. Is that the best interest of the children? Nonsense. I think your letter is fine. He may react and pay for his children. But you should not stop at this. Depending in which country he is, you need to go to court in UK and ask for an order for child maintenance. With the order, you send it with all the information you have about your ex to REMO and they will find him and force him to pay. Take him to court if necessary. Everything is free from you. They are very efficient depending in which country he is in, you will get the money even if it is the minimum 150 euros a month.

I just think it’s setting Op and sons if they read the emails up for more heartache. Op is saying look how marvellous they are and he still cba to reply, send money or visit.
Op doesn’t need his approval. She made the right decision for her and the children at time to relocate. She doesn’t need to justify to ex it was right decision ie by explaining the kids are doing well at school.

YABU for being so nice and friendly towards him. Sounds like he doesn't give a hoot about you or the kids. Leave him to it. If you didn't send mushy round robins to him would he even bother to get in touch and ask about the kids? I doubt it.

My kids really are boss. Both of them coped with relocation, new schools, then Covid like little champs. I'm soooo proud of them And don't care about saying it!

My OH said he'll probably reply asking what we need and he'll get it (i.e get his Dad to get it!) I said we should send him the monthly Asda delivery bill!

I don't think I could bare asking him for money for specific things, that does seem like begging! And that would take more communiction with him than i have a capacity for.

You aren’t causing bother for him. It’s him causing bother for him. Putting in a claim for maintenance is factual. He’s the dad, he’s not paid a penny so you have to apply for it. You probably aren’t going to see any money as it sounds like he has none on paper. If he is living illegally there you never know it may result in him paying you a bit of money to stop you applying formally.

What about uniform/shoes. I’d have no hesitation in saying this is kit list x 2 and this is cost. It’s not begging it’s his sons. If grandad gives him money to give you I wouldn’t think twice about accepting.

Don't tell them how they are doing just tell him what they need.

I've just thought about your email. Nothing to do with your situation but DH works away. He doesn't know how they are doing in school or that I've applied for dd2 secondary place. I don't think to tell him. He doesn't ask though?