Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

Stop feeding him info. He really doesn't deserve to know anything about the dc at all.
His loss op it really will be. The relationship you have with your dc will be more than enough.. My dd says as much.
Her df reappeared 19 years after we split. Apparently it was better for dd of he stayed away.
Told her he had been looking for her all along. Strange he hadn't tried my childhood address where dm still lived...
They pull some stories op. So expect some.

You don’t want to cause ‘any actual bother’ for him and you
send him emails saying how well the kids are doing and saying have everything they need yet you expect more than nothing from him? YABU he’s obviously a jerk, either chase him for what he owes your children or cut him put entirely.

@gfwantsmoney 🙄Think you're on the wrong thread love.

You're right @Tiani4 I do feel guilty for them having a shit Dad :( But yes, my OH the kids step-dad is amazing and we're all so lucky to have him. He provides us with everything we need, love support and right now, fully financially.
Everything with him is so easy and no bother. After years of head-fuckery its like a whole new life.
I'll never feel guilty for choosing him to be part of our family.

hahaha, Thanks @JellyBellyNelly

I've got your back kidda, just shout when you need

Then don't spell it out in flowers if he is going to accuse you of shit anyway.
Demand some money

I'd write back something like this:

Great you can support them now. You don't need to set up new accounts as I buy everything for them. You can just transfer to my account. Here are the details

aaaaaaaa
bbbbbbbb

Let me know when you've sent the first payment so I can check it arrives. If I can get uniform before the 20% off sales finish that saves a lot so do you think you can transfer this week?

They are really looking forward to seeing you. Like most kids their age they aren't into photos but you can get some good ones when you're over.

I have nothing useful to add, but just wanted to say that you sound like a splendid mother.

It’s not about causing him bother

It’s about getting money for your kids.

The fact it might cause him bother as a side effect is not your concern. And if he had to come back to Uk there is more work and you’d likely be better off.

I don’t understand why you would be concerned for him in this way when he’s let your kids down si badly?

@SantanaBinLorry I have nothing helpful to say. But I get it. I totally get why you cried. Emotions are irrational!

@Ragruggers what's this £80 for DC on FSM please? I haven't heard anything about that?

Most of what you have written is the same conversation I have with a Lady who comes in for two hours a week to clean. She sometimes receive a very small amount towards the cost of raising their young child, but always tries and keeps the conversation as friendly as possible. I know this because she has shown me various conversations when he turns on her....

So what I think is going on in his head, is the ''she left him'' and so he shouldn't have to pay and I suspect your ex is the same. He also asks her about who she is seeing (he is miles away) and she isn't. Yesterday she said he asked her what plans she had for herself and she eventually told him, to which he laughed and ran her down... then told her he wasn't bothered about seeing the child because DC would be running away to him when older.

I'm encouraging her to register with child support. She doesn't owe him anything. He makes no effort to visit the child and if she takes the child to him, he says he has to work and leaves them at the house he gets with his employment conditions. He doesn't or rarely contributes to her travel costs either..

So I think its time you took more formal steps to register for financial support. My bet is this guy is just going to muck you and the Boys around...

I think it is fine that you’re sending him email updates. At least your conscience is clear and you’re helping to keep the line of communication to the children open.

it will be up to them what they want to do i future but I personally believe that it is better that he has some presence in their lives so that he doesn’t become this mystery and big deal.

hopefully he’ll send some money over and like you said at least you have asked (even though you shouldn’t have to).

Not seen them for 5 years...wow

Is it wise to cede your children's security to yet another boyfriend? I worry that you/they are so dependent on another man, however nice he may seem at the moment.

Presumably the man who sired these children seemed plausible at one time, too.

So you are pandering to and enabling his shitty behaviour as a father? Must be lovely for him. He has all the ammo/updates to pretend he cares - but those kids will know in their hearts he obviously doesn't. It's not your job to set up play-dates with an absent and disinterested father who pays no support and shows no interest in his offspring. Find a boundary, and stick to it.

@KKosherDill

Do you speak like that in real life? It's proper weird.

'yet another boyfriend '
You're funny 😆

Your email would be much easier to read if half of it wasn't crossed out

I think fuck him. I’ll eat my own head if you get any money off him. Sounds like you’ve two great kids and a new partner who’s a good egg too.
Best of luck.

I would have an excell sheet ready for the guy in case he thinks reading your emails is all it takes to be a dad.

Well YABU because it doesn't sound like he has any money to give you. Very few people are chronically or long-term unemployed for fun, there is generally a deep-seated reason (mh, disability, personality disorder, addiction) which is unlikely to change.

Have you thought of approaching his family for money? If his father helps him, would he be prepared to help you?

And yes the email was far to nice and reassuring. If you need money to make ends meet, say so unequivocally.

YANBU to resent being on this situation though, you shouldn't have to be.

I no you don't want more hassle.and your email to him was put in a way So there isn't any but...could you do it very formerly,no blame just stati g facts,un emotional facts. That you know what you mentioned in your last email was an "if you could" well your past that I'm afraid and you really need him to step up financially.the boys.if you could both sort a time to discuss this that would be great. But let's try and work out some numbers together as you need help to support the boys now.
Keep it light,calm,no blaming( how I don't no!) But just to get this sorted make it all very him doing you a big favour by doing what s right kind of thing.

I would write back and say accounts for pocket money is a nice idea but they already have accounts. What we really need is you to step up and pay some maintenance for your children.

This was my first husband OP. I didn't bother to keep in touch. I just brought up my son alone. He went off to Germany to avoid CMA. He returned when DS was 18 wanting a relationship. Not surprisingly DS said no thanks I don't know who you are.

I think you sound incredibly kind and thoughtful and I completely understand your sadness that your fabulous kids haven’t got the dad they deserve. My kids have had a similar experience so I feel your pain.
It sounds as though they’re going to do wonderfully with you and their step dad. All credit to you, your partner and your kids. Stay kind and dignified. Whether they have him in their lives or not, they’re flourishing ⭐️💐

1.I think you're still giving him power over you by allowing him to upset you. I agree with pp in that your email was way too long with too many details.

2.I'd seriously consider breaking all contact with him to see if he contacts you because I think you'll be happier if you can let go of it all. I appreciate it sucks.

3.If you do decide to contact keep the email request to 3 specific points like this post & not have any expectation that he will respond.

The Spanish authorities will catch up with him. Living under the radar is getting much harder.
However until he can get formal employment he’s not going to send any money.

It’s great that you do have a lovely partner now though and 2 dc who are doing well.