Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

@Dixiechickonhols Y'know what. I'd genuinely never thought about it this way...

'If he is living illegally there you never know it may result in him paying you a bit of money to stop you applying formally.'

Formally = Bother. He wouldn't want that.

Now, how to phrase it so I'm not a manipulative, life ruining, nasty women he already thinks I am!
😩

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. He’s fathered two children and children cost money.
You’ve already sent email 1. The nice email. Wait and see what he replies if anything. If he ignores or doesn’t offer regular payments then I’d send email 2 and make it clear unless he agrees and makes regular payments you have no choice but to apply.

Yes to what @Dixiechickonhols says. He's clearly never going to engage with sending the CM that he should BUT if he does actually respond as your OH thinks then have an itemed list ready of costs. Keep it factual, no 'if you can help', no 'would you consider' etc.

Dear Asshole
Thank you for your offer. Beyond the daily living costs, the kids need the following for the new term:
Shoes x £x
Books x £x
Uniform x £x
Sport kit x £x
Best,
SantanaBinLorry
It sounds like anything you might get would be from the GPs and not him, and not an ongoing thing, but I'd take the small win if you get one. Make sure you list as much as possible so that if it is a one off, it's as big a help as possible.

Are you me?

I had relocated abroad and met XP there. He's been there since childhood.

After we split maintenance was hit and Miss so after a year of working and overtime to make up shortfall he didn't pay I said I'd return to uk (we are all British citizens).

He didn't block it and we agreed instead of monthly payments he's fund twice yearly visits. Either him to us or vice versa.

That happened once.

He did call birthdays and xmas and send gifts (mostly because he new wife made him ) and when they split - nada. Nothing.

I agree with those saying but cut. Once ds hit secondary age and his dad could have had contact if he chose and so could ds as he had a phone I realised I only stressed myself by wanting what he'd never provide and I wasn't giving when we weren't receiving.

I guess you have to ask yourself whether this is at all unexpected or not? When you moved abroad did he have a job that paid well or was he always a bit of a drifter? If this was his general personality before then having kids with him was hardly going to change him? You aren't going to get a penny from him so I'd just leave it be.

Oh and his parents were less than helpful.

When he let me down one contact day and I asked his mum for help with ds as I work she said she had errands to run.

Then popped into my work 3 hours after I should have started to see if I'd managed to sort something and even had the audacity to say "it's tough being single parent isn't it."

I had the last laugh because I laid a friend with a child the same age to have him every week as a long term arrangement and so every time she decided she wanted to see him - unfortunately he was in Childcare

Do you really want me to ask myself something? Or are you finding a way to tell me I shouldn't have had kids with loser, shoulda seen it coming?
Oh, to have a crystal ball.

You have NO IDEA what he put us through.

I've said the money is the least sad part.

You're being far too considerate to send those lovely updates for children he doesn't know, or show any interest in
If he wants to know what's happening in their lives, leave it to him to contact them
I've had exactly the same with my ex although my 3 are older now
He doesn't even acknowledge their birthdays or Christmas
Ask him to set up a regular payment to you as everything is so much more expensive
I'm furious and sad in equal measure as I expect you are
Remember you're more than enough for your DC's and it's his loss

I do think it's a bit of a drip feed OP that you moved abroad together and you then chose to return to the UK with the children - and from what you've said he's not happy that you've 'taken his children away'. I'd be interested to hear the other side of this story as I wonder how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You say he could move back any time but it might not be a simple as that. I'm not saying he shouldn't be paying for his kids but it sounds like you upped and came back to the UK with the kids despite him not agreeing to it. They are his kids too? By doing that you effectively ruined any chance of him having a relationship with them. As I say I'm not excusing him paying for his kids, he should be, but it sounds like there is a bit more to this.

You’re too nice. How lucky are your boys.

YABU, but only because your wasting your time and energy keeping him informed.

Don't bother anymore, if he can't be bothered with his kids then he doesn't deserve to know anything.

Stop feeding him information and see how much effort he puts into finding these things out for himself. My guess would be none.

@KweenieBeanz suggest you re-read OP's post at midday, but here's a snippet:

We had discussed before we first relocated a list of senarios where we would consider moving back to the UK. That happened and me and the kids moved back. he couls have moved back at any point

Because I'm not really sure why you would make a great big post about how he might feel etc. but then say you're not excusing him? You obviously are else the other stuff is irrelevant.

What a prick he is leaving you like this

I’m sorry your ex-partner is crap on toast.

You on the other hand seem fantastic and your children sound wonderful.

Hope things improve very soon 😍

Don’t let the negative people on here get to you OP!!!

Your boys sound great and you sound like an amazing mum.

I do think you should cause some havoc for him though

@KweenieBeanz Not biting. And not telling you the ins and outs of mine and the kids moving. That's not what this thread is about.

Thanks to all the nice comments, and those who 'get it'
Its AIBU so I was expecting some knob'eds to show up

I've had a reply! Not to dissimilar to what was predicted...
Copying coz I dont give a fuck anymore...

"hi and thanks for the extra info so can try sort time when theyre most free
good to hear they both done so well :) they got/will get any photies? would be great to have a recent picture of them both
yes i ve planned to fly over some time aug/sept

now got those dates (when they off till etc) ill get onto flight plan

also was think how to set up new accounts for them both that can help towards what they want or need any way i can in future"

I struggle to understand what he's on about most of the time. I think this means he wants to set up bank accounts for the kids he can put money in for them, like pocket money.
Yer, mate, that's not what I was after.

Will have to think how I'll respond.

@itsgettingweird

Similar story/promises.
Although, his parents never gave enough of a crap to offer any kind of support or would ever go out of their way to try and see them (or even call them/me to see if they were ok over Covid/homeschooling etc). They get a c'mas/b'day card. Again, weirdly asking for photos. the kids never send them!

YABU for giving him an update of his kids when he is more than capable of asking them himself.
Also with the money - you don’t need to beat around the bush and talk about the cost of living going up etc he already knows this!

Stop being so nice.
You don’t have to be a bitch but you don’t need to make it easy for him.

Hi @SantanaBinLorry 👋

So just to summarise
Your DCs DF left the country oats no maintenance not even one penny and lets DCs down making plans he doesn't live up to and barely contacts them?

I couldnt work out if he was also asking you to pay for them abroad to travel to visit him (alone? Or with your escort?) this summer?

Sorry

You're feeling mum guilt

They have a shit dad. You already know that

It's a kindness to send him email updates but no you don't have to. You can send him what you want when you want. Whatever you do, I am sure will be the right thing at the time even if you NC or LC him! He's a NAV (no added value) . You don't have to send him anything or fix his neglect if his DCs for him. You don't have to do a damn thing. Or you could just send emails occasionally with updates like you would to a distant auntie! Which is the level I would do.

Am I right in understanding you have an OH, a step parent type figure also in DCs lives? Sometimes we get a gift in our lives and a step parent who suipprt a you too brings up our DCs (when Dad is an absent negligent parent, or mum is - if that's the case) then sometimes that person is the second parent that DCs love and appreciate 😍 and becomes their real father (or mother ) figure - and they get all your love and love from the decent partner you chose.

I think step parents with RP (resident parent ) are a huge godsend for DCs with an absent unreliable other (nrp) parent.

Don't ever apologise for picking a good influence for your DCs. Don't apologise for your DCs actual DF who is an AH and absent father. He chooses what he does. That's not you, that's him!

Zero chance a good parent wouldn't be in constant touch with their children and sending as much money as he could. Which is SO much more than £nothing. He literally doesn't care if they starve and sees none of supporting his own DCs as his responsibility as their DAD.

Whilst you don't need to bad mouth their dad and clearly you don't, you also don't have to cover for him nor bend over backwards to try to include him nor visit him abroad at expense of other costs you should earmark or need to support your DCs and have a good family life with their stepdad you and your actual family, when he chooses to contribute nothing towards his DC's care or needs.

Biology counts for little here. Actions do.

Carry on being your kind self but don't subsidise his own inaction.

(Or stepmum don't know is your OH is m or f, sorry read your posts so fast!)

@SantanaBinLorry good for you. I think you've done a good thing. I do understand why people are getting cross and saying fuck him, but equally I completely understand where you are coming from. Sending you very best wishes.

@SantanaBinLorry

You sound just bloody fabulous and not only because you’ve dealt with the knobheads on this thread with sheer class.

Id like you on my side in a fight.

And sometimes. the RP wants to remove the biological father to form the "ideal family unit" with the new partner. The RP uses every tactic available to remove the biological father with lies and manipulation. There is no need to present any proof and there is zero consequences if the lies are proved to be false. The NRP has to go to court that takes months and months and spend thousand of pounds to prove vexatious allegations with zero proof. How is that fair and in the best interest of the child? There are horrible RP and NRP I am afraid.

Sometimes you need to grit your teeth and send a nicey-nice email to an arsehole so that you get a somewhat decent response. Had you demanded anything like pp are saying, you probably would have gotten a manipulative, shitty, arseholey reply back, which in turn would have affected your mental health, and you probably would be too exhausted to ask again.

People just like reading some drama. But it's not the telly, it's your life, and you did the right thing. Hopefully sending back a kit list to the email he sent you is the winner.

Sorry you're going through so much OP, I'm glad you're not completely fucked and I hope he steps up even slightly.