Sending this email has made me really sad

[SantanaBinLorry]

It's not even the asking for money, although I'm pissed off having to do this.

It's having to explain - well, just about everything about his kids. He really should know this stuff.
He couldn't even tell you the name of their schools/friends or what their actual hobbies are.
The kids dont seemed to be arsed about seeing him.
Just so, so sad. he's missing out on two amazing kids.
His loss

Email - Adapted...

Thought I would drop you a line to keep you posted on the kids up and coming plans for the summer (and beyond)
** breaks up for the summer on Friday . He's had an amazing year, his school report was outstanding and as an 'excellent student' he's been invited on a trip to Alton Towers
He goes into Year 10 in September and starts his GCSE's. He's set for A & B's all round.
finishes Primary School on Tuesday.) He also had a great year at school and is ready and excited for his transition to high school in September. He's got a leavers ceremony, show and a party next week.
The kids said you we're maybe thinking of coming over in the summer after your last Skype/video call together, so wanted to let you know when they have things on.

We very much wanted to come to this summer, but logistics and prices for us all to travel are too much this year, passports need renewing etc.
Let me or the kids know if/when you are coming to the UK at all and we can make arrangements for you to come see them.
-------------------------------
I dont know if you've been able to follow any UK news at all?
Right now there is a huge Cost of Living crisis.
Absolutely everything has gone up in price; food, clothes, every day basics, fuel is through the roof and our energy bill this winter is expected to be over £3000.
Having not yet fully financially recovered from home schooling and not being able to work during Covid, it's becoming more and more difficult to meet all the kids needs. Don't get me wrong, they are well provided for, they have everything they NEED. They'll never go without.
But they are growing now, fast. They'll both need a full school uniform with blazer in September, PE kit, shoes etc. Hobbies, clothes, toiletries, travel, entertaining, it all costs so much more than when they were little.
Not sure what your money/work situation is at the moment, but I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.
It's only fair that the boys should be provided for so that they dont miss out on things. Senior school brings costs such as equipment, school trips, residentials etc.
Let me know what you are able to offer and we can go from there.

------------------------

I've never asked for anything, he's never offered. But Im out of work for the forseeable due to a serious injury, I need something from him for them!
What a sad fucking state of affairs that i have to spell it out like a child to him.

I cried when I pressed Send.
AIBU ?

leave it now, nothing wrong with what you have done but dont ask again. Keep this email though and show it to your children when older so they can see for themselves.

Hope he replies but wouldnt bank on it?

I need you to consider contributing financially and regularly sometime in the near future.

No! You don't need him to consider anything. You need him to pay for his own children. Which country is he in?

Honestly OP, I would not return to this thread. Most of the people posting seem to believe that compelling an unwilling ex who lives in another country to pay maintenance is feasible, and that sternly telling him he must send 20% of his wages () is all you need to do. I have the utmost sympathy because the truth is, as you already know, he won't be compelled to send anything.

Was he employed and earning and capable of supporting a family when the children were conceived? What's behind the move abroad?

Not sure why post after sending it. It comes across as a begging email, that you are grateful for any scraps, you shouldn’t be begging.
Is your eldest happy at you sharing personal info? He’s old enough to have own relationship with his Dad.
I’d just have sent factual one. You haven’t paid maintenance since x date or ever. The children need money from you. Cost of uniforms alone is y this summer as child 2 is moving to high school.
They have two parents. I shouldn’t have to email you to ask.
Re contact. I can’t afford to pay for children to travel to see you/renew their passports. They say you are coming to England next month. If you wish to see them let me know now and We can arrange contact.

It doesn't need to be nasty, but she doesn't need to be sending long updates about the kids. In relationships like these grey rock is the best way forward.

I'm firmly in both camps...

Fuck him, I'm never gonna get anything from him.
and
Fuck Him!!! - he needs to pay for his kids and even a tenner week would be helpful right now!

I'm not expecting anything If Im honest.
Maybe this will be my first and last time of asking. I don't know.
Not sure there is much more i can do about it.

I'll be keeping the emails for the kids when they are old enough.
Along with the one from last year saying his parents had told him it was 'too much bother' to travel so he wasn't coming over

I’m sorry he’s put you in that position.
Your email was pointless though.
You should only have written, “I don’t have enough money to support our children on my own, I need you to send money for them.”
Even that’s pointless, but if you had to send something… can you suggest to his father that he stop sending 400 to his waste of skin son, and send 360 to him and 40 to your children?

Read your updates it sounds like there’s 0 chance of getting money from him. If his dad (their grandad) has money is it worth contacting him. You’ve had no money from ex. Children need x. You are aware he gives son money would he consider paying some directly to grandchildren instead.

“But then i would be blamed for his subsequent mental breakdown etc.
Its such hard, hard work wording things to him, he will assign blame no matter what. I could spell it out in flowers to him and he'd still react badly!”

Read that back to yourself. He’s a self indulgent arsehole who will blame you no matter what. Let him have his fake mental breakdown 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good idea from PPs to contact the grandad. What have you got to lose?

YABU because you're being too nice. He needs to pay for his DC. You don't need to 'sell' his DC to him by listing their achievements.
Prioritise trying to get maintenance from him. You have nothing to lose.

In the future, you can show your kids that this was never ever about you causing a rift. That's what all this galling niceness will do for you. As you know, being horrible or even more assertive won't get you any further with him if he's the type of man who is content not to see his kids for 3 years. I think you're handling it in the only way you can.

I don't think you'll get a response from him.

What about his dad that gives him 400 euros per month - if he knew how tough things were do you think he'd give it to you for his grandchildren's welfare instead of encouraging his son to be a waste of space?

Your ex is also not going to be visiting any time soon if he's not in the country legally, and it's so cruel of him to tell your children that he is and build up their hopes :(

No personal detail of my kids shared, give over!

They have their own phones/means of contact... they are generally not arsed and rarely message him of their own accord.

Both earning perfectly well when we relocated. That changed very quickly, through no fault of my own and none of your business.

Given what you've said about his financial situation it unfortunately doesn't look as though you'll ever see a penny out of him.

He's an absolute waster;I can't believe his dad financially supports this awful man child.

I agree with pp, it's time to move on. He is never going to give you or his dc any money. His behaviour up until now is showing you the kind of person he is. Focus on yourself and your dcs.

The kids don't seem to be arsed about seeing him because he has clearly shown how much he thinks of them.

I can understand why you cried. It's sad in so many ways.

I'd definitely be contacting grandparents and explaining you are struggling financially to raise their son's children without any support from him whatsoever. I wouldn't ask them for money but I would ask for their help in directing their son to do the right thing and step up and be a father. You never know they might offer you something (in which case snap their hand off!) but at the very least they should know what their son is like and you may find they are on your side and they are yet another excuse/lie your ex uses.

It doesn't need to be nasty, but she doesn't need to be sending long updates about the kids. In relationships like these grey rock is the best way forward.

People are telling her she should be "demanding" maintenance. This will achieve nothing.

Sending an update takes 5 minutes and might prompt him to send them a "well done" text. I wouldn't bother myself, but I don't think it will do any harm in this case. Also at least the OP knows she asked for money, so when he doesn't send it she doesn't need to think "should I just ask".

No need to grey rock when he is completely absent anyway.

@TheYearOfSmallThings and @Mardyface
I think you get it, thank you.

If I've had anything from this thread it that Ive never ever been called 'too nice' in my entire life, so thats a laugh

"Fuck him, I'm never gonna get anything from him.
and
Fuck Him!!! - he needs to pay for his kids and even a tenner week would be helpful right now!"

Except you've done neither. You've sent him an overly nice, verging on grovelling, email.

You’ve told him his grades that’s personal. If your Son wanted to tell him he would or your ex would have signed up with school for reports. It’s not your info to share. Just thinking your husband could use it against your son - sneering of his gcse results aren’t all top grades or saying grades don’t matter he should drop out and live off grid like him etc. My teen wouldn’t like her grades sharing.

I think you get it, thank you.

I do, and I also understand why you found it upsetting. It's the turn of another school year and these milestones highlight how consistently disappointing a useless ex is.

@myladygarden

"I would ask for their help in directing their son to do the right thing and step up and be a father"
Been there, done that. Jesus, that was a low time. Its great being told he'd be a better husband if I were a better wife.

I'll never ask them for help.

Eugh what a pathetic man. How on earth can he justify not contributing to his children.