Page 6 | To think this could be harmless sexting?

Cherrycakepop · 2022-07-13T07:25:50+00:00

I've been with my husband 6 years, married for 2. I've always been faithful, can't see that changing. But recently I've been sexting men. He knows about this as I told him out of guilt. But I'm worried about why I'm doing this. I know where to draw the line, but obviously I feel bad about doing it after I've got what I need from it. Please don't be mean.

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/07/2022 14:44

One text says you are opening yourself up for abuse again (my bold)
Are you okay?

Notjustanymum · 13/07/2022 14:46

Harmless Sexting is an oxymoron! If it was unsolicited it wouldn’t be harmless, and if you’re married it isn’t harmless. That it hurt your DH means that it definitely wasn’t harmless. Take some responsibility OP: if you don’t know why you’re doing this and want to carry on (as it seems you do from your increasingly strident updates) AND you also want to stay with your DH, I’d recommend that you get some counselling, as there’s clearly something missing from your life…

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 14:46

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/07/2022 14:44

One text says you are opening yourself up for abuse again (my bold)
Are you okay?

Yes thanks. He's talking about me having another thread a few weeks ago where I got slaughtered for something else.

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craftsupplyhoarder · 13/07/2022 14:53

At least he knows about it, I guess... But I don't think it's harmless. It takes fantasy that one step closer to reality, and is symptomatic of larger issues in the relationship (or with you, individually). Maybe you can stop there, but I'd not see it as a good sign for the future of your relationship.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 14:55

I have more unconventional views about monogamy (a social construct)

This ol chestnut.

There is nothing more natural or evolutionary or instinctive than monogamy.

It is all about reproduction and resources.

It is not a social construct at all.

It exists among numerous animals, are they implementing a social construct.

In many animals Inc humanss, however, monogamy exists alongside sneaky "infidelity" .... to try to gain advabtages outside of monogamy while retaining the advantages of monogamy.

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/07/2022 14:56

okay

Well take care, I hope you can get this sorted. Best wishes.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 14:59

It's up there with "if people were allowed to embrace polygamy in the mainstream- there would be no cheaters/cheating" ......

The naivety behind it is the same- the vast majority of cheaters dong fucking want polygamy. They want their partner monogamous abd them, behind their back, polygamous.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:00

Don't- ironic autocorrect there

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:02

Op, you're hurting abd being unfair to your partner.

Re rest of your life, your justification... perhaps you should both work part-time, can you not forget some hobbies or socialising while you take turns looking after the kids.

It's not healthy yet say "I have nothing in my life other than childcare and home making and drudgery, so that's why I'm sexting other blokes". You can change the former.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:03

*forge some hobbies

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 15:12

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:03

*forge some hobbies

It's just so hard for me to make time to do anything. The kid's needs are demanding and I'm a carer for one of the kids. He works full time and I don't work. I don't want to give too much away about my financial situation but I'd be no better off financially for working at the moment, potentially worse off and it would make looking after the kids a lot harder. I know it's not an excuse for sexting but without doubt one of the reasons I'm doing it is as a distraction and escape.

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TheMullerLightOwl · 13/07/2022 15:26

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you are coming across as very attention-seeking (asking your husband

TheMullerLightOwl · 13/07/2022 15:30

Sorry hit post too soon!

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you are coming across as very attention-seeking (asking your husband if he wants to divorce you because you're a lying cheating wife) and I suspect that's because you're unfulfilled.

You need to sit down with your husband and explain that if he wants your marriage to work then he needs to help you get some time to yourself where you do things other than sext strangers. E.g. one day a week he gets home at a reasonable hour and you go off and do a yoga class or art class or something like that. Your current situation is clearly unsustainable and your marriage is heading for disaster.

My one short term suggestion would be to put the phone down when you get time to yourself (you clearly have time to sext men and post on Mumsnet) and take up a simple hobby like knitting or a musical instrument that you can do in ten minute breaks like you are now. Anything to make you feel more fulfilled.

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 15:45

TheMullerLightOwl · 13/07/2022 15:30

Sorry hit post too soon!

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you are coming across as very attention-seeking (asking your husband if he wants to divorce you because you're a lying cheating wife) and I suspect that's because you're unfulfilled.

You need to sit down with your husband and explain that if he wants your marriage to work then he needs to help you get some time to yourself where you do things other than sext strangers. E.g. one day a week he gets home at a reasonable hour and you go off and do a yoga class or art class or something like that. Your current situation is clearly unsustainable and your marriage is heading for disaster.

My one short term suggestion would be to put the phone down when you get time to yourself (you clearly have time to sext men and post on Mumsnet) and take up a simple hobby like knitting or a musical instrument that you can do in ten minute breaks like you are now. Anything to make you feel more fulfilled.

You've taken that the wrong way. I don't want him to divorce me. I asked him that because I felt shit about some replies I got on here saying he'd be better off divorcing me and needed to know he still loved me. He doesn't want to leave me. He says he doesn't think I've cheated but I've fucked up and he's willing to work things though to get back to how they were.

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Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 15:48

Yeah I've got time to post on mumsnet and text people. I drop the kids at school, go back midday to pick one up and I'm always on stand by to pick up another if need be. The times I'm at home I'm tidying and sorting out the house, which gets trashed again the minute they get in. My 17 year old son can't put stuff in a bin or washing basket. In September I'll have a bit more time when my youngest starts school full time.

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Maggie178 · 13/07/2022 16:01

We all make mistakes we're only human. I understand why you do it. The self esteem boost from the compliments when your husband barely notices you. Some connection when your lonely. Escaping into fantasy that you'd never act on. Maybe you ease the guilt by convincing yourself is harmless but yes sexting is harmful to your relationship as you know it upsets your partner. The temptation to do it again will happen if you don't work on what's lacking in your relationship and your life.

ImprobablePuffin · 13/07/2022 16:06

LooseGoose22
*forge some hobbies

"It's just so hard for me to make time to do anything. The kid's needs are demanding and I'm a carer for one of the kids. He works full time and I don't work. I don't want to give too much away about my financial situation but I'd be no better off financially for working at the moment, potentially worse off and it would make looking after the kids a lot harder. I know it's not an excuse for sexting but without doubt one of the reasons I'm doing it is as a distraction and escape."

Sorry but you said previously if you wanted to you could make time for an affair. But you don't have time for a hobby for distraction and escape? Come on now.

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 16:33

ImprobablePuffin · 13/07/2022 16:06

LooseGoose22
*forge some hobbies

"It's just so hard for me to make time to do anything. The kid's needs are demanding and I'm a carer for one of the kids. He works full time and I don't work. I don't want to give too much away about my financial situation but I'd be no better off financially for working at the moment, potentially worse off and it would make looking after the kids a lot harder. I know it's not an excuse for sexting but without doubt one of the reasons I'm doing it is as a distraction and escape."

Sorry but you said previously if you wanted to you could make time for an affair. But you don't have time for a hobby for distraction and escape? Come on now.

Well not an affair, definitely not. If I wanted the odd casual shag I probably could. Going to a weekly hobby would be hard. I've got 4 kids. Three of them are young, one with additional needs. I'm not even interested in anything to dedicate time to it. I just like sex, but I wouldn't actually go out and do anything. What I would like is time alone in the house to relax and time to be together alone with my husband occasionally.

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PerseverancePays · 13/07/2022 16:41

It’s all very well to love your kids and husband but you are not a household appliance! You and your husband need to sit down and make a plan for YOU to have a fulfilling life outside of domestic drudgery. And no I don’t mean a bloody hobby/ exercise class, though that might fill in in the short term.
You say your youngest starts school in September, will you have a couple of hours to start some training, you must have had dreams beyond being a glamour model.
You sound insecure and depressed to me and as you say bypassed by everyone else’s needs. Time for some plans. Everyone will be better off in your family if you are happier.
And some parenting training would be helpful too!
The sexting was a mistake, you know why you did it, draw a line and do something different.

Stravaig · 13/07/2022 16:53

How is sexting not cheating? The messages go back and forth, you're each pleasuring yourselves physically, and pleasuring each other with your words, with the fantasy you create for each other. It's sex, just not co-located. There is intimacy in it.

Is this what you mean by sexting? Or something else?
How do you rationalise that it's not cheating on your husband?

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 17:17

PerseverancePays · 13/07/2022 16:41

It’s all very well to love your kids and husband but you are not a household appliance! You and your husband need to sit down and make a plan for YOU to have a fulfilling life outside of domestic drudgery. And no I don’t mean a bloody hobby/ exercise class, though that might fill in in the short term.
You say your youngest starts school in September, will you have a couple of hours to start some training, you must have had dreams beyond being a glamour model.
You sound insecure and depressed to me and as you say bypassed by everyone else’s needs. Time for some plans. Everyone will be better off in your family if you are happier.
And some parenting training would be helpful too!
The sexting was a mistake, you know why you did it, draw a line and do something different.

Thank you for your reply and for being understanding.

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Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 17:23

Stravaig · 13/07/2022 16:53

How is sexting not cheating? The messages go back and forth, you're each pleasuring yourselves physically, and pleasuring each other with your words, with the fantasy you create for each other. It's sex, just not co-located. There is intimacy in it.

Is this what you mean by sexting? Or something else?
How do you rationalise that it's not cheating on your husband?

It was emotional cheating, not physical cheating. I never even look at men in real life beyond fit guys I see on TV. I told myself it was ok talking to him because it was just an extension of a discussion I'd had on here. Which obviously escalated but it was never about me wanting to be with the man. He fancied me from my pictures I sent, but I never saw what he looked like. Could have been anyone. It was purely the images he was putting in my head that I liked and I enjoyed being able to talk openly about my desire for a particular celeb guy which is not something I can do with hubby.

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HardRockOwl · 13/07/2022 17:43

Are you also into masochism too?

You must be to post on here

Original poster

Cherrycakepop · 13/07/2022 19:20

HardRockOwl · 13/07/2022 17:43

Are you also into masochism too?

You must be to post on here

My husband said the same. He's read through the thread and said why the fuck did you post that when you know it leads to bad thoughts in your head? You know I've forgiven you, stop beating yourself up and let it go. I have no idea, probably a way of punishing myself.

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SunflowerGardens · 13/07/2022 19:30

If your husband is willing to work through it then he must see a change needs to be made - not just you grovelling but maybe he could make an effort to pay you some attention, sext you himself since you're into that. Start going on dates together if you can, be a couple. You have a strong urge to be desired and that's the way you are so he either gets on board and tries to satisfy that or he can split with you.