To think this could be harmless sexting?

[Cherrycakepop]

I've been with my husband 6 years, married for 2. I've always been faithful, can't see that changing. But recently I've been sexting men. He knows about this as I told him out of guilt. But I'm worried about why I'm doing this. I know where to draw the line, but obviously I feel bad about doing it after I've got what I need from it. Please don't be mean.

Cheating to me (and many other people) is not restricted to physical cheating, and I'm afraid that sexting someone who is not your partner very much falls under that category.

It isn't harmless, and you keep doing it knowing that it hurts your husband. So yes, you are being very unreasonable

"Harmless sexting"? Can't believe this is a genuine question op.

I have stopped doing it. But the urge to speak to people is still there. Honestly it's a distraction from my stressful boring life but I know it's not right. My husband is perfect but recently I feel sidelined by him, like we're disconnected. I'm on my own all day, my life fits around the kids and I don't have many proper friends.This initially filled a gap for me but in the end it just made me feel more disconnected. I thought I could stop the last time without telling him and no harm done, but again I felt guilty and told him.

I think harmless sexting is a thing but considering you know it hurts your husband and you feel bad about it, this obviously doesn't qualify as harmless.

If it changes anyone's opinion, he was texting me about a crush I've got and sending me stories about them. It wasn't the man himself I was interested in. Started off from just general talk about sex, then led to full on sexting. But more from his side.

It sounds like your life hasn’t much pleasure in it and you’ve gone looking for it elsewhere. “Maximising pleasure” is one of the drivers behind all life on earth. So, how can you maximise your pleasure without it causing issues in your relationship? Talk to your husband about what you feel is missing and what drove you to seek out this thrill.

The doubt is not because women don't cheat. Of course they do. It's because 99.9999% of people would be well aware that sexting a random when married is somewhat frowned upon (to put it mildly). People like me can't get their heads around anyone posting about this on mn because they are guaranteed a pasting. What's the point?

Hi OP, are you satisfied with your sex life with your partner? Is he? Are you able to communicate openly with each other about your feelings and desires? You say he was very hurt when you told him which is understandable - would he be open to relationship counseling? I ask because maybe he might be open to incorporating this into your sex life together.

Interesting how your first reason explaining why you'd never physically cheat is because you "never get a chance."

You are blaming everyone but yourself.

I would suggest couples therapy or divorce.

This will undoubtedly put a big crack in your relationship and as much as you both want to pretend it hasn't affected your marriage, it has and that will become more apparent over time.

Cracks in a relationship develop into huge chasms if you don't change.

You're in denial and making excuses for betraying your partner; trying to justify your actions as "harmless" means you'll continue doing this or seeking out new thrills once the sexting loses its novel appeal.

Deliberately hurting your husband in this way is abusive and indicates a lack of respect for him as a person.

You are gaslighting him here and you are most definitely cheating.

@Cherrycakepop as soon as I read this post I knew this thread would be full of unhelpful comments ....

I think the thrill of sexting is that it allows you to say things that you wouldn't normally say to a partner in real life. If it's strangers u are sexting then you can discuss fantasises without any attachment or feeling embarrassed afterwards . Once the "enjoyment" is over there is no awkwardness and you don't have to speak to the person ever again. It's purely to satisfy a sexual need.

So I believe u when u say u have no intentions of meeting these men in real life. We all have sexual needs and sometimes husbands , partners etc won't meet all of those needs all of the time .

Is it any different than watching porn ? There are no romantic feelings involved in that scenario.

However the issue is that your husband isn't comfortable with it and if you continue there might be consequences that could be devastating to your relationship. I wouldn't be feeling guilty for sexting in the past but if he drawing a line under it now in respect of your relationship. Or have a chat with your husband and explain how it makes you feel and ask if he would be keen to exchange meshes with you ever now and again?

Thank you. That's it completely. It's the talking about fantasies with a stranger that I enjoyed. I know it's not right and I shouldn't have been doing it. Also to the poster who asked if I didn't have much pleasure in my life, that's correct. I have a good sex life but beyond family and kids I don't do anything. No social life, nothing fun, nothing that is for my own happiness. I sound selfish but don't we all deserve to be happy?

Is it any different than watching porn ?

Of course it is. There is a difference between watching porn and sending explicit texts to an actual person.

if the sexes were reversed, the responses would all be to LTB.

Women do bad things in relationships too

so you do know it is wrong?

Interested to know op, what would your reaction be if your husband did the same. Would you be fine with it.?

If you get a thrill from the content, why don't you exchange explicit texts with your DH?

I sound selfish but don't we all deserve to be happy?

You don't sound selfish, you are selfish. This new "happiness" you've found is going to destroy your marriage. What about your children's happiness, or your husband's? They certainly are going to pay a very steep price to keep you "happy."

Yes - more than deserve, you need to be happy and receive pleasure to thrive. The sexting will cause you problems (in that he doesn’t like it). So, something else to bring joy. Exercise, hobbies, friendships, partying - they’re mine.
I love male attention and flirting. Your error was to leave an audit trail.
This site is very traditional and moralistic. I have more unconventional views about monogamy (a social construct) in that it’s unrealistic for many people who would still like to marry and raise children within a marriage. You will be called despicable scum etc because there’s a lot of sad women on here projecting.

So I should be miserable then. My husband hardly talks to me. Hes quiet. My life revolves around my 4 kids, 2 with behaviour problems. I feel like my soul is slowly dying. I do nothing with life beyond cleaning and tidying and putting everyone else first. So yes I got distracted by men messaging me and enjoyed it. I've stopped and I'm trying not to do it again.

OP despite all the negativity on here I think you know deep down the actions you need to take. I totally understand why you have been sexting people ... but if you continue to do so I think the guilt will eat you alive and cause issues in your relationship.

This site was probably not the best place to share this problem . For some reason people seem to want to stick the knife in rather than offer support. No relationship is ever perfect and if the first reaction to making a mistake is divorce (as others have suggested) then there was never a relationship worth saving in the first place . You and your husband have a life together and it's worth working on - we are human beings and will make mistakes and learn from them .

The temptation to message ppl for sexual satisfaction needs to be replaced by something else . Maybe try with your husband or just have some "alone" time .

I have more unconventional views about monogamy (a social construct) in that it’s unrealistic for many people who would still like to marry and raise children within a marriage. You will be called despicable scum etc because there’s a lot of sad women on here projecting

Don't you think it is despicable to do something that hurts someone else just because it pleases you? Someone you love? Even if you think the only reason he is hurt is because of outdated and irrelevant moral standards or something, he is still hurt.

Would it help to realise that the stranger you're wanking over is probably a fat sweaty old man sitting in his armchair with his skid marked y fronts round his ankles?

Sorry but I think your excuses about being bored and not having hobbies are pretty pathetic. Presumably your husband is out working to support you all while you're sitting at home masturbating over your phone.

Sorry but grow up and take some responsibility.

How do ypu start sexting on MN? No I'm not looking for tips lol but seriously. Do you send a PM saying fancy a shag? I just don't know how that would work on here because you can't even see what they look like.

The issue is-we are conditioned to expect monogamy (whatever that looks like - people on here will call you outrageous for simply fancying another man) if we want to marry and raise children within a marriage.
I would say no it’s not “despicable” to seek pleasure, in fact its successful to do so. We are wired to do so. She didn’t do it to hurt him-her mistake was to tell him. If he had never found out…she told him cos she felt guilty.

The fact that immediately everybody acts like the OP has killed a kitten means the topic can never be raised. People are conditioned to think they must be monogamous and they must be “hurt” if their partner so much as flirts with another. We call it “cheating”. He’s a “rat”. Etc.

Its the one real taboo left-we accept many many things but almost everyone is adamant that a man who kissed another woman is the scum of the earth.