to think you don't ask if someone is the grandparent unless its OBVIOUS

[SheepingStandingUp]

lets pretend i'm feeling light-hearted about this.

Man in shop (MIS): Are they twins?
Me (looking at identically dressed and looking children the same size): Yes
MIS: Oh lovely, How old are they?
Me: 2.5
MIS: Oh they're big aren't they
Me: Yup, got their long legs from Dad, not from me!

He talks to his friend for a bit

MIS: They are big for their age though aren't they
Me: Sure are
MIS: Are you their Nan.
Me (Stare him in the eyes, smilelessly). No.
MIS: Oh erm i was just thinknig how big they are.... scuttles out the shop.

So aibu to ask how old you reckon i must LOOK for him to ask?

Midlands, Black COuntry

I used to run Father Christmas events and after witnessing some cringy events, I made sure every Elf and Santa received a briefing where they were told never to assume any family relationship. I've seen people go very quiet when a mother gets addressed as granny, and on one occasion it was a social worker of some sort. We also have enough blended families for children to get very upset if 'Daddy' is really a stepfather/uncle/friend. Some children and adults are not bothered at all by it, but a few are and I'd never want to put a dampener on their day.

My daughter has been at nursery for almost a year and we are still figuring out some of the adult-child relationships of her classmates!

The problem is if you're over 32+ age of child , i guess we are 😂

haha very true!!

glad i'm not alone lol. fwiw i'm 40, i think i look my age but i def don't look a decade older lol

In my mind, grandparents are 60+ (I realize this is not true, that's just what I always think). So, for me to assume you are the grandparent I would have thought you looked that age. But, he may think grandparents are younger. A woman I went to HS with became a grandmother at 37. He was rude to say anything, really.

I assumed a lady at baby group was the grandmother until she started breastfeeding, so glad I didn't say anything! Taught me never to assume

OP I agree. Just think of the number of older dads there are, the kind who dump their first wife for a younger woman and then have a second family.

But if by ‘older mum’, you mean you had children towards the end of your 30s, like me, you could absolutely chronologically be a grandmother, though. I had my son at 39, and in my midwife’s waiting room, many of the women my age were waiting with their pregnant daughters aged 19 or 20. Conversely, if I attended my midwife’s clinic at a different health centre half a mile away in a more prosperous area of north London, the expectant mothers were pretty much all my age.

Why on earth did he keep banging on about how big they were? Really weird.

Yes, it's just best not to ask, isn't it? I'm 46 and there are people from my school year who have toddlers, and people who have grandchildren. It's never safe to assume.

I have a friend who regularly gets mistaken for someone much older and recently got asked if she was her teenage son's grandma. I think in her case, it's more the way she presents herself than anything else, though. She does tend to dress in a way I think most people would associate with someone older.

And my 47 year old male friend (I’m 49) was recently at a stag party as a friend of the groom’s father, who was in his class at school, and who had his son at 18.

OP YANBU and as a fellow mum of twins (who looks about ten years older than I am - due to said twins) that would just about finish me off today!

Never assume! One of my DD's friends' dads turned 60 when she was at nursery, I was a little shocked I admit (he looked under 50) but actually he was intolerant and not suited to being a dad, the mum left him

Imo, even when you think they're the grandparent you always should say parent.
Far better to have them tell people they look so young for their age that people thought they were the parent.

Two of my friends were great grandmas in their mid 50s. I imagine a lot of people assumed their grandchildren were their children.

I really don't think that's true! My dad is in his mid eighties. His mum was 46 when she had him. Most women probably had their first babies quite young, but families were often larger and many women carried on having babies well into their thirties and forties.

I'm nearly 50 and my youngest grandparent was 61 when I was born.

One of DD1's classmates asked if I was DD1's mum or Grandma. I was only about 35 at the time. Perhaps it was because I was in my smart work clothes!

People used to think my dad was my grandad all the time. He kept himself very fit but went bald very young, and he was 38 when I was born which was quite old to be a parent in those days in that area, so it was plausible. But I used to feel offended on his behalf.

At 40, you could be mum or nan to be fair. One of our friends was a nan at 42, it doesn’t mean you look any older than you are. If I was chatting to you I’d have gone with mum though, there’s plenty of 40 year old mums with young children, it’s more common than being a 20 something mum where I live now, and that way if I was wrong and you were nan, you would be feeling great.😂

People just don’t think. I had my first child at 24, in fairness at that point I probably still looked 20, but I got asked more than once if my child was an accident as I was ‘so young’. By strangers??? Who asks that? 🤣 Another person, on finding out I was pregnant said, ‘I didn’t know you were married’. He looked very awkward when I said I wasn’t. 😂 Why don’t people think before they speak?

What I hear now mostly from DD1 in her teens is how young I am compared to her friends' mums. She's probably just after more pocket money.

I’ve got friends who are both mums and grand mums to similar aged children. In fact in my son’s class there is an uncle and niece the same age.

You can be a grandma in your 30s but usually from late 40s onwards.

Sorry, but obviously you did. Thinking someone who is nearly 50 couldn't possibly be mistaken for a 6 year olds grandmother is bizarre...especially when it actually did happen.

Also the assumption that twins=IVF really pisses me off. I've had complete strangers ask me outright in waiting rooms and it's so rude. You would never dream of asking anyone with a single child pregnancy how they conceived.
People either ask outright or the slightly more polite way is "do they run in the family".

Bloody rude. I wouldn’t assume someone was a child’s grandparent unless they were visibly over 70.

Some people are just so thoughtless. I remember a conversation at work in which a colleague said with surprise ‘you were still at school when the Berlin Wall fell?’

I was about five when the Berlin Wall fell.

A quite young looking relative of mine was still regularly IDd for alcohol when she became a grandmother at 38. She could be out shopping with said DGS and people would not believe her that she was over 25 let alone old enough to be a grandparent. You definitely can't assume and it's probably best for people not trap themselves into situations like the MIS in the OP.