Baby after 38 when you already have a teen - Yes or no?

[SnBLurker]

Hi,

Just that. I'm deliberately keeping it simple.

YABU (no) = Too late under the circumstances

YANBU (yes) = Go for it

I was that teen. The age gap was too large. Sounds awful but my sibling is literally nothing to me.
I also felt very pushed out and unwanted for many years. Sibling was extremely demanding and I wasn't like that so got ignored.

I’m 40 and have a nearly 2 year old and a 14 year old. I wanted a second child for so long and I’m so so glad she’s here now. My 14 year old is pretty independent so I do feel like I have 2 only children but I think you should go for it! There really aren’t many negatives that I’ve experienced so far!

I personally couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t do it for the reasons you’ve given either. I think it would really mess with the 14yr old, if they got any inkling that you wanted another chance at ‘getting it right’.

I wouldn’t with a 14 year age gap. Don’t you also want to be you and not just a parent full time? My youngest and oldest have a 7 year age gap and that’s plenty with a middle child too.

I was 40 with a 21, 17 and 12 year old when my youngest ds was born. The older boys do their own thing but do dote on their younger brother and my daughter who was the youngest adores the baby. It’s hard work his turning 1 shortly and the tantrums have started already. Waiting up for drunk teens to come home and being up for night feeds was tough. Dealing with a 13 year old and her social life the running around the teenage drama and dragging a baby in tow was more difficult than I imagined. However the joy the baby brings them all and the pride they have when he does something new is magical. Seeing the baby’s face light up when he sees his siblings and vice Versa takes it all away. Yes I had my life back pretty much but it’s worth it. Only you can decide if it’s right for you but for us it’s been ok and I’d make the choice again. My friends all think I’m nuts and I’m the oldest in my baby group friends. I’ve been way more relaxed about things this time and know it flies by so treasure every moment just not so much the incoming tantrums 🤣

@Oodlesofdoodlescockapoodles if I'm being really candidly honest, then I'm pretty sure there's an element of that.

My mum had a 16yo and a 13yo when she had me at 43. Whether she would have chosen to do that I doubt tbh. But she did and survived!

I was a mistake!

I wouldn’t

I did , no regrets here . But I have a very hands on husband if I didn't I think I would have been very tired !

I don't think it's a problem to have children late in life, but I do think a big age gap is an issue.

I also wondered about you wanting another chance at parenting differently and can see that you've been honest enough to admit that it might be a factor - how would you feel if you do parent differently this time? Will it make you feel worse about what you did with your older child? That would be a no-win situation for you!

I had my youngest when I had a 2, 17 and 20 year old and I was 38. They all get on well and the teenager said it made him very popular as the girls at school liked coming to play with the baby. The other lovely aspect is the two younger ones are obviously siblings to the older two but are also like siblings to the older ones children, they are actually closer in age to niece/nephew than to their own siblings. Blending the generations.

I definitely felt like I was a better parent at 38 than at 18 and enjoyed it more.

It's a no from me!

I have DC with a 13 yr age gap, but I was 30 when I had the second.

I was a FAR better parent the second time round because I was a child the first time round. I'm okay with that, no guilt.

Not sure I would have done it all again aged 38.

Good god no.

My Dc are 18 and 21.

My 21 year old dd has a 7 month old baby ds. I adore him and look after him on my days off so she can work.
I'm exhausted afterwards. I really struggle.

You can do it. My mom had our sibling close to age 40 with a massive age gap between him and two others.
We are all so grateful she had him. Also, she's 61 now and she still has him at home for the time being (he's 21) while we moved out decades ago.
She loves that she still has one at home. She is single now and would have serious empty nest syndrome if she didn't.

I went to an NCT group for older mother's and several of us had teenagers. The thing that was very obvious in that group was the teenage girls found it more difficult than the boys. The girls all seemed to feel it was disgusting, the boys were either not bothered or very protective of their new baby sibling. Small sample so I don't know if it is common.

I had my 2nd when my 1st was 19. Totally worth it. I was 2 years older than you as well. My eldest was at the birth and they have the most amazing bond. More like a very close auntie than sisters. Although youngest is so so proud of her grown up sister.

Its clearly a personal choice.
If you were with a new partner who doesn't have DC I can understand why.
If you are feeling broody/ last chance saloon I would hold fire and see if it passes. The biological urge to have a baby can be really strong.
Teens are wonderful but can be emotionally hardwork , plus tiring late night picks ups etc Also expensive to help them through uni ( means tested maintenance loan based on parents income) so if you would have double whammy of nursery fees and a child at uni I would think about financial implications too. I think parenting both teens and a baby could be potentially really hard work.
But then again a new baby is always a joy ( just bloomin hard work!)

NOOOOOOOO

No, not a chance.

@ancientgran I can relate to that - there is 5 months between my son and my gran daughter. People presume they are brother & sister when I take them out then my granddaughter pipes up ' no he's my uncle ' 😂

Doable if you must, bit probably not the best thing for your teen who is just getting to the most emotionally tricky time of her life, she will really need you and it may be too hard to adequately split yourself between baby and teen.

Mine are 18 & 14. I am now 37.
I went on to have 2xmore dc when I was 30 (now age 7 &5)
We are trying for 1 more Dc

My oldest child was 14 when my youngest child was born. They get on really well, it’s a lovely relationship. I’ve worried I’m a better mum to my younger kids than I was to my oldest, but he doesn’t see it like that at all.

No, no, a hundred times no.