Opinions on single parents!!!!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I'm just getting SO fed up of the attitude that people have towards single parents. Is anyone with me?!
I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.
I've tried my hardest with therapy and counciling and time to pick myself back up and grieve what I've lost and what has changed, by jee whiz it's hard! It's absolutely amazing of course, but it's hard.
But what is somehow harder is the perception of being a single parent.

I must be loaded because I get UC and a wage.
Also the fact that I live with my parents, yes the money must be rolling in because I don't have a house to pay for.
But let's remember I pay for 2 children pretty much on own, I have my own debts and outgoings too.
I also don't exactly love not having my own house in my 30s. In fact, that's something I'm devastated about! And realistically how can I afford the house I've dreamt of in my position?

Wow I have a day to myself each week, so mucb time to relax and tidy up and do what I want. Must be brilliant.
Actually, I may have that day but by this point I've hit burn out. I've entertained 2 children on my own with no adult company all week. I've done all the school runs and work and done activities on my own. I don't get the luxury of having someone else at home to share the load and the lovely memories with. I don't get an extra pair of hands at the festival when they're running in opposite directions. In fact I miss out on a lot of the events because it's just too much for one on their own.
And then when that day comes and they are not here and Disney dad is taking them out, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel lonely.
But yes it's obviously much easier for me.

"When you going to start dating again" "you need to get yourself on the dating apps" "you will meet someone when the time is right" "those children will no what their dad did to you"..... and so on and so on. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is very much happy to share it.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Wow. Feel better.
I will close by saying I absolutely adore my children and I know that I am extremely lucky to have them. I wouldn't change that.
But I'm fed up of this attitude towards single parenting, particularly from a certain none single parent family member 🙈
Does anyone else feel the same? If not please just say yes to make me feel better (haha joking).

I'll be honest, I've never once ever come across the opinion that single parents are better off financially. I've also never come across the idea that adults in their 30s who can't afford to live independently are rich. Who on earth is telling you this?

It's mainly my sibling and their family. They think I have the life or Riley!
But I've sensed this vibe from others, a lot!

I think there’s a big difference between a single parent and a co-parent
some couples have parted but both parents are heavily involved e.g 50/50. I don’t really consider those people single parents and I probably would say those families have it pretty nifty
get loads of time to spend doing your own thing, freedom, extra money, kids have lots of love from step parents/other siblings etc etc
pretty nice set up of it works

Mine that bother me is the assumption we all get maintenance (I don’t)

the assumption that we all get time off (I don’t not had a night off in 5 years)

The assumption as a lone parent it means my family step up and help (never have done)

I've been a single parent for ten years and literally never encountered such attitudes. I think this is about your family not attitudes to single parents in general.

Ahh yes I get this feeling!
I feel like people just have such an opinion and have such a right to have the opinion and obviously they are right.....

Completely agree, same for me. Never encountered any prejudices, and if i did it would roll off me because I'm not in the slightest bit embarrassed about it. I fact, I love it.

Yes maybe you're right.
I keep telling my sibling that they don't understand things from my POV but obviously they no more then me!

I feel like MN doesn’t reflect real life on this though tbh op there was a dating thread on here that described single parents as “bottom of the barrel” when it comes to dating. I frequently experience judgement and stigma irl especially as my ex is absent it’s double the judgement I think people think those whose exes are still around are “better” people

Ignore them.

A family member, self made millionaire bangs on about people in free housing, who receive free money a lot of other ignorant crap too.

I ignore.

Honestly some people are bitter and don’t like anyone else to have anything regardless of their circumstances.

They're the type who are never happy.

There is nothing stopping her having 2 DC claiming tax credits if it is the easy route.

I am not a single parent, but I know lots of people w h o do say horrible things, particularly with regard to having to pay taxes to support the mothers bad decision in choice of who she had children with

I'm proud to be a lone parent

I understand op. I wish we'd get a pm who would go after the parents and hold them accountable for not providing for their kids, financially if nothing else. I'm sorry you lost your house.

I think there are still some thoughtless and insensitive attitudes to single parenting: but I have to say it sounds like the people who you have surrounded yourself with have uniquely backwards attitudes.

I've been a single parent since 2015 and I have literally never heard comments like this. I think society has become much more positive towards single parents and has started to acknowledge how hard they work. I did hear comments like this back in the 90s but I'm quite surprised to hear you are getting them now. Maybe I live in a bubble but almost everyone I have encountered has been respectful to me and acknowledged that I've done a pretty good job keeping plates spinning the way I have.

I think there is still bias against single parents but in the world I live in its nothing like this. I work full time in the City and what I find hard is stuff like being excluded from social events (because it never crosses people's minds that I can't drop everything at an hour's notice) and then being told I am antisocial and disorganised because I can't do things.

Or the comments on here from people who say things like: "Why did you bother having children if you wanted to farm them out to childcare?" Or (my particular favourite): "You'll never get the time back!" It does piss me off when people who have the luxury of being able to choose how much they work tip up here to suggest that women who work FT are doing so because they are "ambitious" and "materialistic" etc.

In the scheme of things I don't really care if some people lack the self-awareness to realise that not everyone has a partner who can support them. This is a small price to pay for being financially independent and not having to dance to someone else's tune with respect to the way I bring my child up.

But frankly OP it sounds like your family and friends' attitudes are stuck in the 1950s. I'd just let it wash over you.

My first thought as almost all are single mothers is of the dad who is either a useless/nasty ex or like Boris Johnson disowns some or all of their children.

If anyone has an opinion of single parents as a group they're a cunt.

Lone parent for 13 years.

I work full time too so it's hard but mostly I get alot of people saying I'm doing a great job etc

Anyone who criticises a single parent is focussing on the wrong person.

I was widowed when my two were still babies. I raised them as a single parent while working as a hospital doctor, and only had one weekend away from them in 18 years.
I was very angry at the prevailing belief at the time (1990 - 2010) that single mothers dragged their feral kids up on benefits and cared nothing for their education or socialisation.
I put my two through university, after having taken them to the Sunday school I helped to teach at our local church. They have both grown into lovely adults with a solid moral grounding, home owners, working good graduate jobs.

Being a single mother is gruelling, thankless and exhausting, especially after spending all day putting critically ill patients through major surgery, and I would have appreciated a bit more recognition and less bashing in the media!

Oh, and this. With bells on.

The belief that you get the weekends off, my DH died and I had a friend who divorced but has shared custody, and she use to always suggest that we should go drinking together when she does not have the kids. Er, I dont have that luxury of having another parent to look after my DD. It did my absolute nut in.

Given your update, I think this is less a generalization about being a single parent and more about sibling rivalry.

Siblings always know which buttons to press!

Ignore her, she’s an idiot!

Your sibling may be jealous you are living with your parents.

I have never experienced these comments or attitudes either thankfully. Or never expressed to my face.

In my workplace there are eight single parents (off the top of my head) and it just doesn’t particularly come up.

My best friend is a single parent. Her exDH pays no maintenance but does have the kids eow

She experienced extreme prejudice from her church (now isn't religious) and when she kicked her ex out after finding he had slept with multiple women and got one pregnant, she was told that forgiveness is divine and she should try and work on her marriage for her children-no blame or responsibility on her ex

By far her biggest frustration are the comments she gets from mutual friends and even her own family about her ex

'Oh he is good isn't he to take the children out to xx place' (first time seeing them in two weeks

'How lovely of him to buy them x toy' (she's thinking I'd rather have cm for new shoes for them!)

'Great that he gives you a break from the kids'

She finds the differences in expectations of split mums vs dads utterly abhorrent and has been quite shocked at the number of people who seem to congratulate her ex for the smallest effort. The comments above wouldn't be uttered for her, it's just expected.

I think you grow into being a single parent and discover strengths you never thought you had. (At least on the good days!). And sometimes it is simply because you HAVE to - keep it together and carry on. I'm sure many of us have moments where we doubt ourselves and feel lonely.

Single parents make up one in four of every family in the U.K. That is a lot of families! You wouldn't think so, judging by the negative comments that have been made about us across the ages.

Eighty percent of us are women. And as we know, women are to blame for just about everything in society! See this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Are-Blamed-Everything/dp/0244498342

I would second the idea that you are encountering some sibling jealousy. I also think that some people are jealous of single parents as they are having difficulties with their own setups or partners and imagine that life for us is always without complications.

Facts are, although I am proud to be a single parent - we are also discriminated against in society in many ways. There are plenty of arguments in favour of according us protected status under the law for this reason:

www.singleparentrights.org/

as for dating, frolo was founded by someone who was a single parent and was fed up of the negative attitudes towards us...

Frolo now have OLD.

Being a single parent is a very good exercise in learning how not to give a fuck what other people think.