Opinions on single parents!!!!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I'm just getting SO fed up of the attitude that people have towards single parents. Is anyone with me?!
I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.
I've tried my hardest with therapy and counciling and time to pick myself back up and grieve what I've lost and what has changed, by jee whiz it's hard! It's absolutely amazing of course, but it's hard.
But what is somehow harder is the perception of being a single parent.

I must be loaded because I get UC and a wage.
Also the fact that I live with my parents, yes the money must be rolling in because I don't have a house to pay for.
But let's remember I pay for 2 children pretty much on own, I have my own debts and outgoings too.
I also don't exactly love not having my own house in my 30s. In fact, that's something I'm devastated about! And realistically how can I afford the house I've dreamt of in my position?

Wow I have a day to myself each week, so mucb time to relax and tidy up and do what I want. Must be brilliant.
Actually, I may have that day but by this point I've hit burn out. I've entertained 2 children on my own with no adult company all week. I've done all the school runs and work and done activities on my own. I don't get the luxury of having someone else at home to share the load and the lovely memories with. I don't get an extra pair of hands at the festival when they're running in opposite directions. In fact I miss out on a lot of the events because it's just too much for one on their own.
And then when that day comes and they are not here and Disney dad is taking them out, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel lonely.
But yes it's obviously much easier for me.

"When you going to start dating again" "you need to get yourself on the dating apps" "you will meet someone when the time is right" "those children will no what their dad did to you"..... and so on and so on. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is very much happy to share it.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Wow. Feel better.
I will close by saying I absolutely adore my children and I know that I am extremely lucky to have them. I wouldn't change that.
But I'm fed up of this attitude towards single parenting, particularly from a certain none single parent family member 🙈
Does anyone else feel the same? If not please just say yes to make me feel better (haha joking).

I'm enjoying this thread! Must have found my tribe!

Why does home ownership count as an achievement?!?! Please don't. Especially given how ridiculously unfair the housing market is. Home ownership absolutely is not reflective of one's achievements! These days it's more luck (& a decent credit rating) than anything else!

My mum was a single parent, as were a few of my friend’s mum’s growing up. All different people/situations. If my mum experienced any negativity, I was never aware of it. Had a great childhood.

No way?!?!?! What did they say when she pointed that out?!

Re the home ownership being an 'achievement' and 'credit rating' comments.

Many of us unfortunately emerged from coupled relationships/marriages as survivors of economic abuse.

This impacts on our lives often many years after the event and can set us back - in terms of credit ratings/life choices and future prospects.

I'm posting the link here - it is a relatively new organisation but may be of interest to single parents in particular:

survivingeconomicabuse.org/

Me and my dp are new parents and have said several times we don’t know how single parents do it

I'm aware of the fact that many of us have emerged from abuse or like in my case, have become widowed. I was actually defending non-homeowners in our position as I'm sick to death of seeing home ownership being flouted as an achievement. Even with money, it's often a game of luck, especially post-pandemic!

I don't know anyone who has voiced this opinion of single parents. I have heard a few people say how impressed they are that single parents at work manage to juggle full time work and looking after their kids, and I agree. I find it tough enough to do this with a partner.

I agree Pumpkin patch, yes, that was what I thought your intention was.

Many of us, don't have the option of home ownership - I consider myself fortunate to have social housing. Sometimes people think that the tax payer pays or subsidised social housing but in fact the company who owns the flat we live in is a social enterprise and ploughs money back into the community in the form of support schemes/maintaining green spaces etc.

Yes PP and with the luck thing - I feel that is true - I feel parents, single or not are doing well if their mental health is relatively stable, if their kids and themselves are fed and watered and if they can keep a roof over their heads!

Home schooling in pandemic was very tough particularly for single parents - and even now with the recruitment crisis in schools/colleges at my end it still feels as if we are home schooling at least part time because there isn't a full contingent of teachers. 2 out of 3 A level subjects!

I agree with previous replies. I've never heard of this attitude towards single parents. (Not a single parent so I can't relate but that is just my opinion)

My SS's mum lived at home with her mum and I always felt really sorry for her. To bring up your child under the rules (and judgment) of living with parents must be so hard. I also couldn't imagine how difficult it is to navigate dating with being a single parent. SS said she used to go and eat dinner in her bedroom with her boyfriend... at 30 years old 🙄 Just heartbreaking to feel so trapped.

However, she found a nice partner and they have moved out together and seem happy. So give yourself time and don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody is judging ❤️

I'm not a single mother but my partner works away Monday-Friday each week. I find it incredibly difficult. Although I don't have the financial pressures of not having him around to help, I do struggle mentally a lot.

I have nothing but admiration for people who bring up children on their own. I can imagine it being incredibly tough financially and then to add not having any help or rest bite at bedtimes/bath times/shopping trips (the list goes on and on) must be soul destroying sometimes.

I never really hear people being negetive about single parents in general though so I am not sure if yabu about that or if it is just your sister trying to make you feel less than for whatever reason.

To me “single parent” means the one who stayed, when the other parent fucked off.

This (with the exception of bereaved parents). Single parents are the ones who take responsibility and are there for their children. If there is any negativity (and I believe those who have said that there is), it is being directed at the wrong people.

I don’t get negative comments about being a single parent, or at least if I do I ignore them to the point where I don’t notice them, but the thing I do get that really annoys me is the assumption that I have the same freedoms as other parents, either single parents who coparent or parents who are in a couple. I do not. I don’t get time off, ever. also the assumption that I get maintenance. I do not. My child’s useless bag of shit of a father pays nothing, does nothing, doesn’t even contact his child and hasn’t for many years.

my sibling parents her kids 50/50 with their father, plus she gets a very decent amount of maintenance each month. Ok she takes on most of the mental load with the kids, but still for half the time she doesn’t have them. She also has a long-term partner who doesn’t live with them, but who is there every weekend, goes on holiday with them and contributes 50% to treats and holidays etc. Despite this my sibling is always giving it the whinge to me as if it’s far worse for her. I can’t just have a good vent without her insisting it’s just as bad if not worse for her because reasons. It is not just as bad if not worse for her, she has half of her time childfree, she has extra money for the kids each month, and she has a partner to support her, and I have none of those things. if she thinks her situation is awful, I dread to think how she’d have coped in my situation, because Objectively it is far more difficult. Like, if you think it’s difficult to parent 50% of the time with a bit of extra money and a partner to support you, how could you possibly think it would be less difficult to parent alone 100% of the time with no extra money and no partner to support you? Argh, it fucks me right off. Thank you. I needed that moan.

I've only ever had good things said to me, mainly people don't know how I juggle running a business, being a trustee, PTA, charity directorship and weaving my own lentils (joking on the last one). Plenty also comment they wish they had the freedom in their parenting that I do without anyone contradicting them. I'm a proud single mum and whilst it's not right for everyone, it works well for my kid and I. My secret is I don't need a huge amount of sleep so cram stuff in on either ends of the day.

I bet it is and I bet it is affluence dependent as well. I bet no one has ever accused the ex Mrs Johnson of being a benefit scrounger although her kids were probably older when he went but someone in her position. Say Princess Diana, well off, kids at Eton so it is OK to be a single parent then I bet. Would be interesting to know but I don't suppose there are many single parents with millions in the bank knocking around.

This is what pisses me off about the attitude that men in particular have towards single parents (who are almost exclusively women).

There are all kinds of judgements against us for daring to want to "have it all" by wanting, shockingly, both to be able to earn money and support ourselves and to occasionally spend some time with our children and organise our lives in a way which is not to the detriment of our children. There are all kinds of ways this holds us back at work and in our ability to make money, socially, in relationships etc, in a way which very rarely impacts men at all.

When these problems are overwhelmingly caused by men failing to discharge their duties towards their children in the first place.

My husband did that for a couple of years when he was on a secondment. Financially it was great for us but it is really hard isn't it. Twice a week you have the adjustment and I always thought Friday evening was a bit stressful, he was tired after a long drive, I had loads to tell him about kids and stuff going on, then as Sunday went on and it got closer and closer to him going it would be like a cloud hanging over everything.

I do sympathise, I hadn't thought about it for years but it is hard.

I think a lot of the attitudes come from parents who are part of a two parent household and are struggling. Especially those where the dad, while present, is as good as useless, so the pressure falls to the mum. There can be a tendancy to look at strong, independent women who appear to be managing very well all by themselves, and assume that somehow that's because their lives are easier. Don't let it get to you. If you make your no doubt challenging life look easy and something to be envied, you're obviously managing extremely well.

I agree with this. If you're having to give house room to a useless misogynistic twat who thinks that you love nothing more than to cook their dinner and pick their dirty laundry off the floor and who views the kids as your "hobby" (and in many cases, seems to have lots of spending money for themselves while all yours goes on the kids), then being a single parent may look easier. For most people in even half-functioning relationships, this is not the case.

I've been a single parent for nearly 10 years now and can't say I've come actions that attitude myself. I was quite comfortably off when saying with my parents though in comparison to living alone with my dc.

I'm afraid you probably have to drop the idea of the 'house you've dreamt of' and just think about the one that will house you and ex adequately. You can't stay with your parents forever for your own sense of self and esteem.

I used to be lonely and keen to meet someone, turns out it's an awful lot of effort for little gain. I'm pretty happy with my own company these days and have loved building a life and adventures with just me and dc

Thank you for this.
Maybe there is hope out there ♥️

I've been a single parent for nearly 13 years (other than a 2 year period when I lived with a partner.) Over the years I've heard

Poor kids. Do they see their dads? They have the same dad. And yes. When he can be bothered.
Oh. I'd never have realised you were a single mum. Your children are so well behaved WTAF?
What did you do to make your Ex leave? Absolutely sweet FA. The twat had an affair and left me for the other woman. My single dad friend on the other hand usually gets "oh you poor thing. Why did she leave you?"
And then I've had other mums drop heavy hints about how happily married they are as if I'm going to try and bed their husbands. Or comments about how much time I get off (hint, none these days. He used to see them for approx 6 hours on a Saturday but I had to feed them breakfast and lunch. And usually a 2nd dinner because he gave them toddler sized portions.) Or how much maintenance I get (that's a big fat £0.)
Or when I've had a moan about yet something else their Dad hasn't done and I've been told "well it's not his fault he's got a new family. Perhaps you should move on too." If it's not his fault his wife got pregnant 3 times then there's a major relationship issue! And I can't "move on". I'm too busy looking after the dc he cancels at the drop of a hat to meet anyone.

But the worst are my mum and my brother. My mum was a single parent so no idea why she's so prejudiced against us. She once suggested that single mums are given large properties that they rent as a group. Then they can work shifts around each other and do childcare when they aren't at work. I said that sounded a bit like a work house and we all know how well they worked!

My brother does nothing but moan about benefit scrounging single mums in council houses. Conveniently forgetting that him and his wife also claim UC and live in a HA property. I, otoh, am stuck private renting. Oh and the time he told me he thought I should stop using our mum for childcare so much as he felt bad asking her to have his dc because she deserved time off. To clarify, I was working 15-16hr shifts 3-4 days per week. Mum had the dc on those days. I never asked her to have them so I could go out. My brother had a 9-5 office job and his wife was a SAHM, so while they might have wanted/needed a night off gfr the DCs it wasn't the same.

Ooops. That was long. Sorry.

I've also had hundreds of positive, supportive comments over the years

Nah I’m with you on this. Been a single mum almost 4 years now, self employed. My ex has DD 1-2 nights a week and even my mum says “oh that’s a nice break for you”, without realising that those days will be spent running myself ragged catching up with work and everything in the house I haven’t managed to do yet. I feel overwhelmed every day with how much is resting on my shoulders, dealing with DD emotions and picking up the pieces for her crap dads attitude and how he talks to her. But all my family think because I work from home and DD goes to school I’ve got a really easy relaxing life!

I'm definitely pro.

I was a much better parent single, than I was when I was with their father, for many reasons.

Obviously that won't be the case for everyone, but leaving my ex was absolutely the right thing for my family.