Opinions on single parents!!!!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I'm just getting SO fed up of the attitude that people have towards single parents. Is anyone with me?!
I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.
I've tried my hardest with therapy and counciling and time to pick myself back up and grieve what I've lost and what has changed, by jee whiz it's hard! It's absolutely amazing of course, but it's hard.
But what is somehow harder is the perception of being a single parent.

I must be loaded because I get UC and a wage.
Also the fact that I live with my parents, yes the money must be rolling in because I don't have a house to pay for.
But let's remember I pay for 2 children pretty much on own, I have my own debts and outgoings too.
I also don't exactly love not having my own house in my 30s. In fact, that's something I'm devastated about! And realistically how can I afford the house I've dreamt of in my position?

Wow I have a day to myself each week, so mucb time to relax and tidy up and do what I want. Must be brilliant.
Actually, I may have that day but by this point I've hit burn out. I've entertained 2 children on my own with no adult company all week. I've done all the school runs and work and done activities on my own. I don't get the luxury of having someone else at home to share the load and the lovely memories with. I don't get an extra pair of hands at the festival when they're running in opposite directions. In fact I miss out on a lot of the events because it's just too much for one on their own.
And then when that day comes and they are not here and Disney dad is taking them out, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel lonely.
But yes it's obviously much easier for me.

"When you going to start dating again" "you need to get yourself on the dating apps" "you will meet someone when the time is right" "those children will no what their dad did to you"..... and so on and so on. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is very much happy to share it.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Wow. Feel better.
I will close by saying I absolutely adore my children and I know that I am extremely lucky to have them. I wouldn't change that.
But I'm fed up of this attitude towards single parenting, particularly from a certain none single parent family member 🙈
Does anyone else feel the same? If not please just say yes to make me feel better (haha joking).

I could do without my ex thinking I'm rolling in money just because I'm careful with the money I earn, pushed to get a better job so we could afford to have two children and have survived many years without any financial input from him (he paid maintenance for the first couple of years, then it fizzled out).

The odd throw away comment like "I could NEVER drink on my own" used to amuse me - not aimed at me as such, but without any understanding that most single parents wouldn't dream of having such a rule.

Before I remarried I saw myself as a divorced parent, never a single one!

I’m a single parent and have never encountered this. The only thing that annoys me is when someone’s partner is away overnight and I get the, “I’m a single parent tonight, just like you lol…” 😡

@Hesma yes or like the ones that say I'm practically a single parent as my partner works away/long hours. Bet the fat pay check each month helps though 🙄😆

so much judgement for single parents (I should know, SP here). Judgement from friends, family, random people, colleagues etc etc. Comments, sideways putdowns. Give them a few years of it and see how easy they find it! I'm doing my best every day. Worrying about money, life, bills, feeding my child etc etc. I couldn't do any more than I do without a breakdown.

I think you have posted something similar before have you not and were told you prob are better off than single parents who also have to run a house and its mostly you get this from your sister who thinks you are maybe taking advantage of your parents ?

For me, it's not the judgement in my ability to parent that gets me, it's the comment on my marital status that irks me. Like I'm somehow missing out because I'm no longer picking up a grown man's skiddy underwear from the bathroom floor.

As the title says. Single parent with four children in their 20s. We are all super close, and they are happy. Love my job, love my house, love my achievements. I've never needed to rely on a man's money. I've navigated life by myself. Yeah, there were dips in the road but I'm happy. Still only in my 40s, so a lot of life in me yet.

It's funny, because the only person I ever heard make a comment about single parents was a stay at home mum. By her own admission, she didn't have a penny to her name. Okay, but you're jumping on me being a single parent through my partner's infidelity? Nothing wrong with being a sahm mum, but..

I haven't been lucky, I've been blessed with the ability to plough through life, no matter what. I've never relied on benefits, although of I had, it's one of those things.

To all you single mums, hold your head up high. We do what we do, and we do it well.. I wouldn't change my life FOR ANYTHING!

Widowed and / or middle class (ie not in receipt of benefits) are deserving of help and not looked down on.Single mother by choice / from making bad decisions and unable to fund themselves so in receipt of benefits are undeserving poor and their lives shouldn't be made easier with any more cash because they are undeserving and should be looked down on

This is problematic, although I do agree with you. I’m a teacher, I own my own house outright, I live in a good area. . I have three children, one with a disability and am still on tax credits so I still receive some benefits. I work hard, I tutor and exam mark on top of the full time job. I don’t discuss money with friends or colleagues, except to say that the ex doesn’t, and never has, contributed anything at all. But I have been party to some very unpleasant discussions about single parents and benefits over the years and any attempt on my part to suggest there might be another perspective is always shouted down.

People see things as black and white, single parents are expected to live up to impossibly high standards. Families can struggle to make ends meet, they can question how to manage a school run or illness or medical appointments with two full time working adults. Single parents are just ignored if they voice concerns or difficulties. Looked down on if they work part time or even just ask to be cut some slack in the working day to manage. I once suggested I needed to work part time to manage my commitments properly and the comment was met with horror! Absolute horror that I would dare to do such a thing, and that the only option open to me was to work until I dropped dead because that was the only ‘decent’ thing to do. It was like I would become a non-person if I couldn’t do the same - and more - as two people. You see it on here all the time.

Thing is “single parent” is a wide description.

it encompasses everyone from a widowed mum with no family and left financially self dependent, to a divorced mum who co-parents 50:50, has lots of family help and got a decent financial settlement.

as pp said, it’s all seen through our on lens. A sahm with a dh who works 7-10 with no family may feel she has it worse than a single mum who has family childcare and can go out on weekends, for girls holidays etc because her ex has the kids.

personally i think there should be a distinction between lone parent, where the other is not on the scene at all, and a single parent who has an involved ex and a co parent on scene. Single to me defines relationship status, not parenting status. I’ve heard many women say they are single parents when remarried because the bio parent isn’t around.

out if interest, how many would call a dad a “single parent” if they have 50:50? I don’t think i’ve ever heard a dad referred to as a sp, but a mum in the same situation would.

I think all benefits recipients are looked down on, unless they are "deserving" ie old or infirm and therefore unable to work.

The popular press likes to portray single mothers on benefits as people who have made a lifestyle choice to rely on hard working tax payers cash. A lot of people don't understand the concept of net contributor - the most vocal benefits basher I knew was a single mother, working part time on NMW - people living off benefits were scrounging her taxes apparently. She didn't grasp that she was taking out way more than she contributed.

Bloody hell, she's deluded! What's she been sniffing?

@BlackeyedSusan

The tabloids 😂

@BlackeyedSusan

Sorry, heat brain, I thought you were replying to me.

I wouldn't say I'm proud of being a single parent, in fact I was devastated to be one...but...I am proud of how I am trudging through life trying to do my best given the circumstances. Ive managed to hold onto my home (no thanks to the courts or exh) hold onto my job (full-time) hold onto my sanity and in the process give my lovely dc a safe, reliable, enriched home life. I get no benefits other than child benefit and I do get a small contribution from their dad. I don't palm the dc off on anyone when they are in my care and they know I am always there.
I don't co parent, I parallel parent and all the things to do with their clubs/school/health are on me, the ex just has to feed them and entertain them (or give them devices)
People quite often say they don't know how I do it and I say 'i do everything badly' 😁, my house is not as clean as I'd like, there are always jobs to be done, I don't put as much effort into my work as I possibly should and I don't bother trying to find another potentially useless partner which frees up time. After several years I have made a couple of friends that form the little bit of a social life I have. I don't have energy to exercise like I used to and this is my one regret.

If you are disabled on the other hand...

@FortonServices

Was good though!

A few select people made me feel bottom of the barrel/ a failure for being a single parent. I should have tried harder at the marriage. I shouldn't have put my children though a broken home. Marriages aren't all wine and roses , but I should have tired harder blah blah blah.

But to me..... I'd rather be a single parent, than a mug of a wife putting up with a lying , cheating scumbag husband.

So they can think what they like. A single parent is better than being a mug with a cocklodging tw@ of a husband.

"This is what pisses me off about the attitude that men in particular have towards single parents (who are almost exclusively women)."

Comments like this can fuck off.
My dad brought me and my sister up ALONE because my alcoholic mother ran off to another country with a much younger man.

I can guarantee you it's even harder being a single dad when even other single parents have attitudes like this.

Also without fail anything parenting related people would overlook him to speak to 'mum' , he would be patronised by women constantly on his parenting skills and yes he had no help either, my grandparents all lived abroad.

It was him and us and he was fucking amazing.

I get it
I’m older than you, and get it all the time
I have 5 kids, all getting older now, but all still wanting a piece of me non stop, I don’t live with my parents, but people are always making comments about how it must be easy financially with top up from the government on a minimum wage job and older kids “to help out”. While I bust a gut trying to keep a roof over their heads, while they save up for homes of their own. UC doesn’t allow for mortgage payments, although if I was renting I’d get help with it.
People keep telling me to start dating again, but tbh, I’d rather be on my own now. I don’t trust anyone at all. I’d rather just rely on me and then no one can let me down.

I'm sorry for all the people who have encountered negative attitudes from others, especially within their own family!

It's quite interesting to read some of the comments about co-parents, though. I co-parent with my ex, but that means we split the time 50/50. It's always me who ends up doing costumes for things or taking time off/bending my hours at work to go to things at school. I manage all the paperwork and payments for school meals, trips, clubs, etc. (just seen someone call this parallel parenting, which is quite a good description. There's not a lot of cooperation in my "co-parenting" set-up).

Because we co-parent, I get no maintenance. I don't qualify for UC because I have just enough savings not to, but can barely cover essentials on my salary. Of course, I'm fortunate to have any savings, but it's not actually that much of a buffer if I did lose my job, for example.

Ex picked his nights for having the DC at the start of the week, so I can hardly ever go out when my friends want to, because I have DC at the end of the week. Yes, I get a lot of free time compared to single/lone parents and I recognise I'm "lucky" in that respect. But I have no disposable income to spend in that time and I'm often feeling quite burned out anyway by then from the complex childcare arrangements, commuting, working, housework etc. I really sympathise with parents who don't get a break at all. My family is at the other end of the country, so there's no help there. I moved here because ex's family is local.

It's interesting what perceptions we have of other people's situations. The reality is that each individual situation is exactly that - individual.

I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.

I do wonder if some of you perception of this is filtered through your own feelings about ‘single parenthood’ as a category that includes people whose choices you are uncomfortable with.

Your own description is that your children were planned in marriage. You thought it was happy. But he surprised you and left.

Is any part of how you feel related to the fact that you’re in a category of women who (some mixture of): didn’t plan their children, didn’t have them within a marriage, chose to end their own relationship, and all the other things that society likes to position as personal failings or bad choices (made by women)?

You are right that societal attitudes around ‘single motherhood’ are complex and problematic. They’re also highly patriarchal. We hold women (including ourselves) to standards we wouldn’t dream on applying to men.

None of this post is a criticism of you, by the way. But I do get the sense that some of what upsets you is that feeling that you did it all right (according to the patriarchal rule book) and still ended up in this situation that you didn’t choose.

Extra money?! From where ?!
and trust me, giving up 50% of your kids weekends is not what most of us envisaged when we had kids. Sigh.

Yes. To all this. I've been a lone parent for over a decade and I relate to everything you've said. Family that think I'm either loaded, or who pity me. Ex that bestows fun times & large gifts on the kids but avoids giving me significant money because I'll spend it on luxuries, obvs, not food & clothes. The freaky territorial behaviour of married/couples women who think you want to steal their man, the rude men who think they are doing you a favour by offering to 'give you a go even though you've got children'

My personal favourite: "shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford to feed/clothe them" attitudes.

It’s definitely much more expensive running separate households. Where would extra money come from (is that stepparents’ contributions?).