Opinions on single parents!!!!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I'm just getting SO fed up of the attitude that people have towards single parents. Is anyone with me?!
I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.
I've tried my hardest with therapy and counciling and time to pick myself back up and grieve what I've lost and what has changed, by jee whiz it's hard! It's absolutely amazing of course, but it's hard.
But what is somehow harder is the perception of being a single parent.

I must be loaded because I get UC and a wage.
Also the fact that I live with my parents, yes the money must be rolling in because I don't have a house to pay for.
But let's remember I pay for 2 children pretty much on own, I have my own debts and outgoings too.
I also don't exactly love not having my own house in my 30s. In fact, that's something I'm devastated about! And realistically how can I afford the house I've dreamt of in my position?

Wow I have a day to myself each week, so mucb time to relax and tidy up and do what I want. Must be brilliant.
Actually, I may have that day but by this point I've hit burn out. I've entertained 2 children on my own with no adult company all week. I've done all the school runs and work and done activities on my own. I don't get the luxury of having someone else at home to share the load and the lovely memories with. I don't get an extra pair of hands at the festival when they're running in opposite directions. In fact I miss out on a lot of the events because it's just too much for one on their own.
And then when that day comes and they are not here and Disney dad is taking them out, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel lonely.
But yes it's obviously much easier for me.

"When you going to start dating again" "you need to get yourself on the dating apps" "you will meet someone when the time is right" "those children will no what their dad did to you"..... and so on and so on. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is very much happy to share it.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Wow. Feel better.
I will close by saying I absolutely adore my children and I know that I am extremely lucky to have them. I wouldn't change that.
But I'm fed up of this attitude towards single parenting, particularly from a certain none single parent family member 🙈
Does anyone else feel the same? If not please just say yes to make me feel better (haha joking).

I was thinking along these lines too.

I am one of those lone parents who had an unplanned pregnancy. The 'father' then had nothing to do with my child. I went to university when she was a baby and have since achieved a BA and a PGDE.

I know a lot of single parents. I don't know anyone who judges them. I experienced the opposite, people would comment on how well I was managing everything on my own. I am proud of my achievements.

For what it's worth, the comment about having planned children irked me. Like that makes the OP some kind of higher calibre single parent, unlike the rest of us who have made poor choices along the way. Life happens, we make the most of it.

I could have written this exactly this two years ago before my new partner and I got together. I was single parenting for 4 years, working full time and raising my daughter through the baby/toddler years. I sometimes felt like I was clinging on to life by my fingernails after another utterly exhausting week spinning my plates. The highs seemed really high, like when she took her first steps or when I was watching her proudly in her first nativity, I could have burst with happiness. The lows were awful and I thought the tiredness, loneliness and sadness would break me. The judgement and ignorance of some people shocked me. My neighbour stopped speaking to me. People questioned my decision to work full time, to not work full time, to date, to not date, to travel for work when needed, to file for divorce after my husband had abandoned us overnight for someone half his age because surely all that we needed to do was talk and go on a date night to make it better. OP, the only opinion which matters is yours. Hold your head up high and ignore the noise, you’re doing a fantastic job and your children will be proud of you.

I wouldn't assume that you were rich or had loads of free time. I would however assume you had physical help with the kids because you live with your parents so no babysitters as you could ask your parents to watch them if you wanted to go to the gym or out qith friends. Is that not the case? Maybe your siblings are assuming you have help from your parents in terms of looking after the kids and are resentful.

Some single parents can be better off out of the relationship. They can live in the family home, work PT, claim UC and get a decent amount of maintenance and every other weekend “off”.

some get nothing as they earn “too much” for top ups and get no help or money from the father.

it’s really unfair.

No that's not the case.
I don't take advantage of my parents and baby sitting at all. My mum helps whilst I'm at work but outside of work I don't ask them to watch them as they are older and not as able.
My sibling knows this and she probably asks for more help babysitting then what I do.
But that's for another thread!

Ahh I'm so glad things have turned around for you! It's nice to hear that ♥️

Maybe so!
I think everyone's situations are different really and it's hard to understand unless you're in the thick of it all.

I prefer being a single parent to being married to a cockwomble who never did his bit with the kids.

I’m in some ways quite proud of being a single parent because it comes from the fact that I had the guts to leave an emotionally abusive situation. Which was incredibly hard. I’m aware that some people do hold prejudices against us though, much as you describe OP.

Yes my ex does have the kids (not 50:50 though, nothing like it with the younger one) but you worry a lot when they are with someone who is a prick. Plus the not having someone with you to share the load adds up to more than the few days you get “off”. You can’t be flexible at all with plans, if it’s not Wednesday (for example) I can’t got, whereas anyone married to / with a decent partner can just ask them to be in on whatever day.

It's tiring

i am a single mum and what really gets my goat is the ranking of single mums. Single mums who are widows are best then single mums who (like the op) had their children planned within the holy sanctity of marriage. They’re not like us disgusting never married single mums! We’re the bottom of the heap. Dirty feckless slags the lot of us!

you will never really get rid of the stigma on single mums if you continue to accept these stereotypes. I’m a hard working professional with two dds. Never married single mum. And very proud of it.

I've never understood this. It's the absent parent that's the problem not the lone parent juggling all the balls.

I totally agree that single parenthood isn’t all roses and free money, my mum was a single parent to my brother and me and we struggled.
But when it comes to being parents and families, there is no normal.
I have 4 kids with my other half - all ours and we’ve been together since before we were 20 (were now heading toward mid-40s) we don’t own a house so rent because kids are expensive and we’ve not been lucky enough to have family to give us a leg up (both from single parent families) now I have 2 adult children (1 still living with us, the other in a flat) and 2 tweens. I am the sole earner as my partner is too ill to work and before that was a career for our oldest who is on the spectrum. We barely get by on my single wage. I do the majority of the kids stuff, the housework and the bills etc as well as working full time. As we rent, our bills are higher and we don’t have support of parents. Yes, I have someone to share the memories with but i also have to share decisions with them and don’t get to do what I want a lot of the time. Also, it can still be pretty lonely in a household of six.
I am currently helping my 18 yo prepare for uni in the hope that he will be able to get a better job, more money and have more chances in life (as he will also be in the situation where he won’t have family to help him out financially) but know that what you get in life is half luck so we should never judge somebody by what their situation means for them

Well my life has certainly become easier since becoming a single parent as I'm no longer with a jealous, emotionally and financially abusive and controlling man who didnt lift a finger.

But yes would have been a lot better if I had been with a man who pulled his weight and wasn't abusive.

It's hard, unrelenting work being a lone parent but it's infinity better than being stuck with my emotionally abusive, lazy narcissistic ex. I get no maintenance, no help and no days off but I'll stick at it. Funnily enough the only person who is negative and critical of me is my ex...😏

What do I think of single parents?

I think they are inspirational. That they chose eternal happiness rather than being with someone for the sake of status (married) and that they kept on going.

i was widowed last July so became a single parent to a 15 yo child who has autism. I am trying so hard to be the best parent I can be for my son but it is so bloody hard when you are both grieving with very little support and you feel like you are falling apart. I can’t fight anymore there’s nothing left in me

Whoever thinks that single parents are loaded because they are in receipt of benefits ought to give their head a wobble.

You’re doing a cracking job OP!

Aww that's very kind, thank you ♥️

I'm so so sorry to hear this.
I can't imagine the pressure and sadness which must be on your shoulders right now 😔
You are absolutely enough and it won't always be this hard. As time passes on things will feel more familiar and comfortable and you will cope. I hope you have some support in real life ♥️

Absolutely! I keep thinking how much happier I am doing this without my ex then with him. He would be stressing me out so much!
But the difficulties of being a single parent are completely different to what he brought me 😬

YANBU.
I've encountered mixed reactions.
I was jokingly told that 'I should have kept my legs closed' by school mum regarding being a single parent. Hmmm, didn't go down well.

I hated being a single parent when the DC were very young. I was trapped at home with them because I didn't have the earning potential to earn enough to cover childcare for two. Plus the younger one had an SN.

I never came across anybody who thought I had it easy. I think everybody knew it was a tough lonely gig.

Still single now, but been working for 8 years, kids are 16 and 19 and in some ways, it's still hard but I do not feel defined by being a single parent like I used to.

/wow, what a bitch!!

@MsPincher so true, the ranking of single mums is very misogynist.

I felt my ''ranking'' went up after I'd been to court (twice) to get him to pay maintenance, but to begin with, as I hadn't married him, my ranking was very low. I knew that. I saw it. I felt it.

Another single parent friend in a similar situation, a girl in her daughter's class asked her ''what does your daddy do, what car does he drive?''. There is no way a five year old wanted to know what a daddy who didn't live with them ''did'' or drove!! No way. That came from the mother, who needed more information to be able to rank my friend!

A friend once told me about an embarrassing incident where she thought a woman was a single mother but in fact she was a widow. My friend, who is a good person and has been a friend to me so she's not anti - single mothers generally, but it was a little depressing that even she saw that as a faux - pas. ie, I'm so sorry I thought you were ''just'' a single mother when in fact you're a widow. :-(

Like are we seriously still living in a world where a man having married you gives you status!

@TreePoser
Definitely! It was a very out of nowhere comment too in the guise of humour.