Opinions on single parents!!!!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

I'm just getting SO fed up of the attitude that people have towards single parents. Is anyone with me?!
I'm a single parent. I never thought I would be, my children were planned in marriage that I thought was a happy and then bam, he left.
I've tried my hardest with therapy and counciling and time to pick myself back up and grieve what I've lost and what has changed, by jee whiz it's hard! It's absolutely amazing of course, but it's hard.
But what is somehow harder is the perception of being a single parent.

I must be loaded because I get UC and a wage.
Also the fact that I live with my parents, yes the money must be rolling in because I don't have a house to pay for.
But let's remember I pay for 2 children pretty much on own, I have my own debts and outgoings too.
I also don't exactly love not having my own house in my 30s. In fact, that's something I'm devastated about! And realistically how can I afford the house I've dreamt of in my position?

Wow I have a day to myself each week, so mucb time to relax and tidy up and do what I want. Must be brilliant.
Actually, I may have that day but by this point I've hit burn out. I've entertained 2 children on my own with no adult company all week. I've done all the school runs and work and done activities on my own. I don't get the luxury of having someone else at home to share the load and the lovely memories with. I don't get an extra pair of hands at the festival when they're running in opposite directions. In fact I miss out on a lot of the events because it's just too much for one on their own.
And then when that day comes and they are not here and Disney dad is taking them out, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel lonely.
But yes it's obviously much easier for me.

"When you going to start dating again" "you need to get yourself on the dating apps" "you will meet someone when the time is right" "those children will no what their dad did to you"..... and so on and so on. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is very much happy to share it.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Wow. Feel better.
I will close by saying I absolutely adore my children and I know that I am extremely lucky to have them. I wouldn't change that.
But I'm fed up of this attitude towards single parenting, particularly from a certain none single parent family member 🙈
Does anyone else feel the same? If not please just say yes to make me feel better (haha joking).

there is a cartoonist who draws such situations i.e. how men and women are judged differently.

I believe that in the States a Single Parent Church has been created to tackle such prejudice.

I don't have any opinions of "single parents" I have opinions about individuals no matter what they are

that hadn't even occurred to me, I guess such people completely ignore the fact that someone can be widowed, a survivor of domestic abuse, partner been unfaithful and left them etc.

I’ve been “doing well” for a few years. I can work 7 day weeks and cook three meals, do two washes, sweep every surface multiple times a day, mop etc all the household admin. I’ve even learnt to be cheerful about being completely unsupported by any other himan being at any time. Is it fair? No. Is it lonely? Yes. Would I love to have a holiday, some days off and fall in love? Yes.

But it’s the lack of support that hurts the most. It’s a heavy burden to carry. I’ve learnt now that nobody is ever going to be there for me or help me.

To me “single parent” means the one who stayed, when the other parent fucked off.

My mother was a single parent to 4 children. No siblings or parents. My father disappeared off the face of the earth. So I know how difficult it can be.

you have my sympathy, but even more my admiration.

This

I think this is more about your relationship with your sibling than with any general opinions about single parents.

Have you always had a difficult relationship?

That's bloody horrible.

No one has the right to judge another’s situation. It’s a pretty basic concept that about 90 percent of people seem unable to grasp.

If you want to know how someone is, ask them. None of us gets to decide how it is for someone else.

Being a single parent is different for every single parent. Some have fantastic support from family, some have enough money to hire help with childcare and housework, others have extremely low incomes and no support.

Some have ex-partners who are committed parents, some have exes who continue to abuse them through the children.

Some will talk about it a lot, some don’t want to discuss it at all.

Generally though you’re on one income for at least two, often more, people, your time is taken up working and caring for children and the house, every single thing falls to you. There is no one else to look after the children when you’re ill, to do the dishes, to cool, to bring in the washing or get up in the night to the children. There is no one to leave one child with when you have to take the other to hospital, there is no one to talk to about bills or schooling or what lovely thing one of the children did that day.

The thing that does still shock me is the number of people in the City who still seem to take the attitude that its OK to be a working mother, even a single working mother, but you basically have to choose between being a parent or doing your job. It's thought to be extremely bad form if your status as a parent impinges on your professional profile. It's almost like dirty laundry which must be kept out of view.

I've had several people (all men, naturally) say to me that being a parent is a "lifestyle choice" and that if you "choose" to be a working single parent you need to accept, essentially, that you lose any right to have access to those children and basically have to make peace with wrap-around childcare.

They seem to take it as a personal affront if you want to work from home or with any degree of flexibility at all. A lot of people at my place seem to be upset that the changes to ways of working that have been instituted during the pandemic won't just be wiped out overnight now people are able to go into their offices: a lot of them want to turn the clock back to about 2000 with a "bums on seats" approach to presenteeism and are offended by the fact that women with childcare responsibilities are able to work much more efficiently than they are remotely.

The thing that jumps out to me about this is that obviously none of these charges are ever levelled at men, who are free to work unimpeded by childcare responsibilities. Because, obviously, there's always a woman at home to provide that (free) wrap-around childcare.

I actually think all the time that single parents are bloody superheroes because parenting is so hard and you do it on your own, whilst working and everything else. Anyone that has any other opinion than that needs to get in the bin

She experienced extreme prejudice from her church (now isn't religious) and when she kicked her ex out after finding he had slept with multiple women and got one pregnant, she was told that forgiveness is divine and she should try and work on her marriage for her children-no blame or responsibility on her ex

This has made me the most mad. Especially given the person they claim to worship was the child of an unwed mother! This is absolutely not the values of the god they claim to worship, who doesn't like divorce but allowed it for circumstances such as these to protect vulnerable women and had some pretty sharp things to say about men who abandon wives...

Sadly I also have experience of a church who were quite judgemental about me leaving ex...

Not bothered to find out about the ABH nor assaults..oh no.

Found a much better more accepting church now. Took a couple of goes. (Second one was just not set up for single parents nor autistic people) Also helped that a church leader on here was as equally aghast.

I agree with some of the others, the lack of support is the killer and the difference in judgement between the single mums and Disney dads.

I was shocked when I bought my house. Ex bought me out, no issues with him putting the mortgage in his name only even though it had needed both our salaries to get. Then I went to buy a cheap, affordable place and was forced to take it over 30 years instead of 25 because "if he stops paying, you'll have to pay all the costs of childcare/kids". Like it was just so accepted that men will ditch their kids financially while the women will step up.

It's hard. I don't think people realise how much more work it is being on your own. Trying to juggle work, kids, house, activities, etc. I regularly end up sobbing over something stupid because it's just another thing to deal with on my own.

I think most people just look at things through their own lens. A woman who isn't happy with her husband might be a bit jealous that a single mum can be more in control of her life without stopping to think how hard that can be.

I'm my husband's carer. We got his diagnosis and prognosis when I had a ten day old baby sitting on my lap. Up to that point we just assumed it would take time but things would improve, get back to normal. The poor doctor was uncomfortable and we had to push him for details, he clearly felt sorry for me as he kept looking at me as if he was guilty with every bit of information, I felt sorry for him too. So I went home via mum's to pick up the toddler and then picked up the older two from school. My own particular lens means I always ask the carer how they are doing, people are kind and ask about the sick/disabled person but they forget the carer.

I would never think negatively about single parents, quite the opposite I admire them for their strength and tenacity. Parenting is hard work, doing it alone must be really tough.

I have seen the prejudice from schools too. Can't possibly be anything other than just mum who's a bit thick, if not feckless and quite frankly shit at parenting.

And can't possibly have a previous/current career

Thanks for making me smile today I've had a particularly difficult thing to do today which I managed but felt very lonely about it.

I will twirl around twice and get my costume on!

Yes!!!! I'm a single parent through being widowed and I'm also severely disabled and lost my career as I'm now unable to work. I'm SICK. TO. DEATH of being treated like 'benefit scrounging single parent!' I'm degree educated and had a career & a happy family at one point. People treat me like I've chosen to be a single parent.

I once saw someone say on MN "single parents have made their bed, they need to lie in it..." 🤬

The snooty upper-middle class, red hot Tories parents at my child's village school, won't even talk to those of us who are single parents (& those who are blatantly on a low income) Nope! They won't even respond when anyone outside of their clique addresses them. It's disgraceful behaviour.

I've never had anyone assume I'm wealthy/well off though?

My favourite being the poster who was being badgered to go on a parenting course and the school was most affronted she would not attend it. She was bloody running the course!

I massively disagree. Perhaps it's area dependant

@NeedAJobChange

It's hard. I don't think people realise how much more work it is being on your own. Trying to juggle work, kids, house, activities, etc. I regularly end up sobbing over something stupid because it's just another thing to deal with on my own.

This. And I actually far prefer being unmarried to being married. I'd much rather be in control of my own financial destiny and be free to bring my child up as I see fit without interference and other agendas.

But the thing that's hardest is the sheer relentlessness of the life admin that goes with being a single parent and which is necessary to survive it. I haven't had a single day in 11 years which hasn't required vast amounts of juggling, diary management, paying for stuff, checking on childcare requirements, chasing when you haven't heard back on childcare requirements etc, booking doctor's appointments, working out how you're going to get to a work meeting and then to a school pickup etc etc. Scheduling any social event is like 3 dimensional chess. You are never allowed to fail at anything, at any step of the way because if you do your child suffers and you get blamed. But others (with supportive spouses etc) can just take the evening off, leave the admin etc and still get to tell you you're disorganised and should have made better "life choices".

It's fine: its the price I pay for agency over my own life and I prefer it that way. But it does piss me off when people tell me I'm disorganised because I can't get to things or organise things are quickly as people who are part of a team of two. Or people who don't understand I can't always prioritise a reply to their social event because organising childcare requires a huge amount of behind the scenes logistical paddling.

With absolutely no thought spared for the fact that a percentage of those mothers are, like myself, only single parents because our husband DIED!!!

@ThePumpkinPatch

God that's awful.

Heavens above!

I guess although mine went to primary school in our 'area of multiple economic deprivation'...(I say this sometimes with a smile because it is a government index...) ...

that was one thing that we didn't have to deal with...there were so many single parents we were the norm rather than ...the exception...so that is something that bolstered my confidence I suppose...

also the school believed our kids could do anything...which was a brilliant attitude to have!

...so I have encoutered prejudice in other places...I attended a place of worship for years ...and one individual turned to my DD and said 'how does she cope?'

.....nowadays I just grin and say 'I must have done SOMETHING right then...' (as a single mum!)