To not want BIL and SIL to have the children if we die?

[Veggiesintheground]

They are really lovely people, but they don’t live locally, meaning if we died DCs would have to undergo a change of school, etc. they also have two young children themselves.

To me, my brother is the better option. He does struggle with self care as he has minor LDs, but could manage with support which could be provided with money he’d get if we died.

AIBU?

YABU
your brother with mild LDs is almost certainly not a better option than your BIL and SIL.
changing school would be the least of your kids' worries if you died to be fair.

Really? He struggles with self care but you want him to care for your kids? Reverse?

As a PP has said, a change of school is nothing compared to the death of your parents! Are you really sure your brother with LD and no experience of taking care or children is a better option than living with their cousins in an existing family setting?

I think then losing everything familiar to them - their home, school, neighbours, bedrooms - would be hugely traumatic on the top of an already traumatic event. And having to share their home with their cousins, who they aren’t close to because of the distance.

@420Bruh - he does struggle with some aspects of self care, more because he dislikes having to do it than because he can’t do it. He would need support in this, certainly, but I don’t think it’s a ‘reverse’ (from who’s perspective do you think this ‘reverse’ is written from?)

Have you spoken to either of these parties about this? That might also sway your thoughts.

But I think your brother who struggles with self-care may not be a good choice. You seem confident that the money you leave behind will make him better with self-care and able to care for your children - this seems like it could a bit of a leap

Obvious reverse is obvious

Seriously? You feel that a really lovely couple with two children of their own would be a worse pick than a lone man with additional needs which means he has trouble looking after himself? I agree that moving away from their existing school is not ideal in this highly unlikely and hypothetical situation but that doesn't balance out the fact that money will not magically fix the issues with picking your DB.

YABU - massively.

Changing schools or being cared for by someone who (by your admission) cannot even look after themselves?! Which do you genuinely think would be harder for your children (if you remove the fact one of these options benefits your relative).

@AllFreeOwls - not quite. I think the use of a FT nanny / housekeeper would be what he’d need. There would be a fairly substantial sum.

I am certainly not planning to speak to anyone and outline my misgivings about the care they might provide if we died, I don’t think that’s a great idea.

YABU
Your brother can’t even take care of himself independently, so how can he take care of two children as a single foster parent?

BIL and SIL are the better option presuming their children are happy and healthy.

@Bussty thats absolutely not why I want my brother to step in.

My mother died as a child and I lost everything - my home and room and stability. I don’t want that for my children, strangely enough. I can’t completely make it OK for them, but I know my preference would be to stay in my own home.

It doesn't sound to me as if your DB would be able to cope with 2 bereaved children.
What about wider family or friends?

You can’t actually be serious?

I think then losing everything familiar to them - their home, school, neighbours, bedrooms - would be hugely traumatic on the top of an already traumatic event. And having to share their home with their cousins, who they aren’t close to because of the distance.

You really cannot know this. Many orphans actually like having a fresh start in a new place with no familiar places to cause distressing memories. Like seeing the same school gate your mum or dad picked you up by or playground you played on…is a constant reminder of your loss.

If you say so... 🙄

If you and your DH die (touch wood) then your DCs won't have stability, will they? How does being looked after by someone who won't look after you properly provide "stability" in any way, shape or form?

Is this a serious post?

Me and dh have plenty of siblings between us.
I wouldn’t have left dc with any of them.
We appointed my bf and her dh as guardians if we died because their values and the way they were raising their own dc was most in line with ours.

Not to mention, you don't actually get to decide - if you die, the court decides and they don't have to do what you want them to. It's highly unlikely they'd place your DCs with your brother over SIL and BIL even if you did say you wanted that.

I definitely don't think a man with learning difficulties who struggles with self care would be a suitable guardian. Would he be emotionally available to help the children through such a difficult time? Would he have a choice in the matter and understand what he is signing up to - what he is REALLY signing up to e.g. the possibility of two children going through awful grief and being responsible for them for life.

I think your brother and sister in law sound like a much better prospect, for a start there are two of them to share the burden, they are already parents and are able to look after children.

Will your brother be ok safe guarding them? Keeping an eye out for social pressure as they hit their teen years? Teaching them financial planning? Explaining puberty and sex? Discussing appropriate relationships?

This sounds like the set up to a 1950s children's novel.

Are you being serious? You'd rather they went to your brother who can't even clean himself than your brother and sister in law - just because they live further away? What planet are you on

yes of course you are - changing school is nothing. People do it all the time - if the worse does happen (and lets hope it doesnt) then the stability of your SIL and BIL and cousins will be of paramount importance.

As opposed to your brother will lack of self care

My understanding is (and it might be wrong so happy to be corrected) is that regardless of your wishes social services will have a view and they may deem your brother with mild LD who can't look after himself properly unsuitable.

I am truly very sorry for your loss as a child, but I'm suggesting gently it's clouding your view on this issue