To not want BIL and SIL to have the children if we die?

[Veggiesintheground]

They are really lovely people, but they don’t live locally, meaning if we died DCs would have to undergo a change of school, etc. they also have two young children themselves.

To me, my brother is the better option. He does struggle with self care as he has minor LDs, but could manage with support which could be provided with money he’d get if we died.

AIBU?

Look, if their parents die, things will be bad for your dc. Their childhood will not be ideal. Against the scale of loss, changing schools is not a big thing. Having a two parent family who are willing and able to support them is much better than one adult who is struggling to care for himself.

OP, have you ever left your children in the care of your brother? Babysitting? An outing?

As someone who experienced the heartbreak and angst of losing a parent, as you've stated, why would you focus more on what may or may not be their comfort and less on what is stable?
Your children would be experiencing emotional and mental turmoil. To throw them into an environment that does not provide stability, quality care, and values that align with yours, is ultimately child neglect.
You have a brother that CHOOSES not to care for himself- providing him with the monetary capabilities and hired help will only encourage further lack of self care. If he does not possess the drive and desire to clean himself, his home, or his living conditions- this will only teach your children that it is ok to follow in that path.
You stated he can "hire a nanny". What if he CHOOSES not to do that?! Then your children are left grieving and neglected.

What if he does hire a nanny, and she turns out to be horrible to your children. With a LD and no children of his own, is he even capable of knowing/understanding the rigorous duty of screening for child care?
Would you really rather your children be raised by a stranger who has no idea of who their parents were, and therefore has no memories or stories to share with them?
Your inlaws may take them out of their comfort zone- but think about what they will receive in return... empathy, understanding, love. They will be able to know that they are wanted- instead of growing up potentially wondering why their lovely home has turned into filth and they were pawned off to hired help, and their uncle quit letting them bathe and has chosen not to cook and they go to bed hungry for the 3rd night in a row.
I don't mean to sound crass, but I couldn't possibly give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to my children... and as a mother, you shouldn't hope someone will change and be responsible enough to care for yours. Your children deserve better than that.

Another thing to consider is that by sending your kids to your brother they may end up being your DB’s caters much to the detriment of their own youth and career oportunities.

Given that neither of your options sound ideal you’re just gonna have to go with the plan that I have which is simply not to die while the children are under 18 honestly it really is the best way, look twice when you crossing the road and always drive below the speed limit you’ll be fine.

look twice when you crossing the road and always drive below the speed limit you’ll be fine.

I don’t think that’s a foolproof plan.

I think DH views BIL as the better choice because he already has children, while to me that is what makes them not ideal. Understandably they will prioritise their own children.

I think I would side with your DH, who seems to have a better grasp of what's actually needed to bring up children. And your comment above has riled me because it's such a crass assumption. If something happened to my DSis and her DH, then I and my DH would step in for their two children if we were needed. And I can say hand on heart that I would look after their two as if they were my own. The individual needs of each child, mine and theirs, would be considered of equal importance. How could you do otherwise, especially since they would be grieving?!

And FTR, I have autism too, as does DSis. We are both capable of self-care and raising and caring for our vulnerable dc. If your DB is more haphazard in his lifestyle, he is NOT best placed to raise your dc in lieu of you. Hopefully it won't come to that!

agreed. Social care would get involved if he has LD and they would assess him. If he needs support it’s likely they would place kids with the family members that didn’t, money will not really come into it as they assess parenting capacity .

This has to be a reverse. No one can possibly think someone who can't keep his house or himself clean and is sickly is the best option to care for their orphaned children.