To not want BIL and SIL to have the children if we die?

[Veggiesintheground]

They are really lovely people, but they don’t live locally, meaning if we died DCs would have to undergo a change of school, etc. they also have two young children themselves.

To me, my brother is the better option. He does struggle with self care as he has minor LDs, but could manage with support which could be provided with money he’d get if we died.

AIBU?

Does it have to be either or?

Why not friends, cousins, other family members?

My friends were going on a flight and the morning of it she handed me a letter, said their insurance details were in there if anything happened. We'd already had loose discussions about stepping in for each others children if needed, but to have that envelope in my hands was scary.

Thankfully their children are now late 20s and early 30s and I was never needed in that way. But had I been, I'd have stepped up.

I’m very sorry for your loss as a child.

SS will make the decision, with input from your kids if old enough, so there’s no point in doing any more than gathering your options. But from your comments saying that you think your bro could parent if he had a partner, which I presume he doesn’t, plus the self care issues would probably make them favour another option.

Does your partner disagree with you? Is that why you’re posting?

@Veggiesintheground stop!!! Just stop! You’re trying to justify your decision but the more you say the more I wonder if you really are being serious!?. Poor timekeeping, possible depression and an avoidance to keep clean and you’re more worried about moving schools and homes rather than the fact that your children could end up with someone who struggles with the demands on his own life as it stands right now. It comes across as though you just don’t want to consider BIL/SIL and are using any excuse. With 2 kids they know the importance of timekeeping, routines etc. you blatantly seem intent on selecting your brother . The worst thing is you haven’t even bothered to have a conversation with anyone.

I think DH views BIL as the better choice because he already has children, while to me that is what makes them not ideal. Understandably they will prioritise their own children.

My brother is far from perfect, but we are close and he adores the children. It’s a shame the two can’t be merged in a way.

At any rate it hopefully won’t be needed!

My goodness you must see that your brother is not an ideal candidate to care for young children?

you talk about family support - what support would he have?

he suffers from depression and on occasions can’t keep the house clean and won’t shower. Would he be emotionally robust enough to parent teenagers? Would he be able to talk to schools, navigate their intense grief, deal with their emotions? It sounds like he struggles with his own.

it sounds like a bad idea.

But it doesn't matter who you think is more suitable, in the end it won't be solely your decision (thankfully) they will be assessed and your brother most likely won't be deemed the most suitable

Have to say, for all the muttering about what a ‘weird’ thread this is (it is?) I’m finding the aggression in some of the posts really, really weird.

Yes, MN. People who have autism parent.

do you not think your brother will ever have children?

Is there no one else? You keep saying your brother would need support but you have listed basic hygiene and home keeping as areas he isn't capable in. Would your brother actually WANT to be their guardian? It's very different to giving a helping hand from time to time.

People with depression become parents all the time - I’ve had depression myself. I think I’d best hide the thread. This weird insistence that SS are waiting in the wings to take children from their own families is bizarre and wrong.

What you are basically proposing is that your children become child carers for your brother.

Have a quick look at educational/life outcomes of child carers - they are highly disadvantaged and many drop out of education completely at a young age. Do you have a girl? It will probably be her who has to sacrifice the rest of her life caring for her uncle, out of guilt knowing it was what you wanted for her.

Yes, MN. People who have autism parent.

Obviously. But this is about SS deciding where two orphaned children will be placed and your posts have raised issues that would be big problems.

It’s not the same.

People who have children are not screened in the same way that potential adoptive parents are.

They would if your brother is registered as having LDs. The safeguarding officer in your kids’ school would inform ss if your kids’ situation as routine.

Guardianships left in wills can be overturned by the courts on a request from other family members, the kids, or any 3rd party.

It’s not especially unusual for siblings and grandparents on both sides to have a tussle if very sadly both parents do die, so it’s worth discussing it with everyone.

Are you actually dieing?

Trust me on this, it wouldn’t be a SS matter

By what process do you think your brother (or BIL/SIL) gets parental responsibility for your children? Of course it’s a social services matter, it would be for any kinship adoption.

This post is incredibly disablist! There is no reason why a person with depression, autism or some form of learning disability automatically cannot care for children. There are so many factors that come into being able to be a good parent and everybody with a disability or difficulty experiences them differently, some people with autism or depression absolutely couldn’t parent a child but others could parent children well with support and others could parent without any specific or extra support.

OP, you know your DB and you know your BIL. If you feel that DB is a better option then that’s completely reasonable, I don’t think already having children automatically makes somebody a better option and I can see why you would want to consider things such as whether your children would need to move out of their home when weighing up the better option.

@MolkosTeenageAngst if OP had just said her brother had autism or depression that would be one thing. She says he struggles with his own self care though.

Now it’s possible she meant wanky new age “self care”, meaning he sometimes misses out his mindfulness practice, but most of us assume she means he isn’t independent with ADLs/iADLs, and yes that does mean he wouldn’t be a great solo parent for two bereaved children, when there is a far less complicated option apparently willing and available in her BIL and SIL.

They have to sign off on the best placement for children in their care.

So if you, your dh & your db all agreed that he would be moving into your home & looking after the dc, & no other family members raised concerns about his capacity to cope, then it is quite likely that that is what would happen, & SS involvement would be fairly 'light touch'.

What people are trying to explain to you is that a) it isn't simply your decision - it's not like choosing who gets your golf clubs or great aunt Ethel's pearl earrings ffs & b) it's possibly not the best option, because your db sounds like he would find it a struggle.

He might be better placed as the awesome uncle who takes them out/has them to stay regularly (& if you can't picture him coping brilliantly with that role...definitely have a hard think about the fact that he's not going to be able to step up as a full time parent).

This is highly likely be a SS issue though - because in this situation your children have lost both parents it isnt the same as if your brother was a parent himself.

At DD and DS school there was a situation where the mum was killed by the father and custody was given to the Aunt and Uncle (complicated by them coming over from another country) the level of involvement of the school and SS was high (and very much welcomed by the Aunt and Uncle) and continued for a good year 18 months afterwards until they were officially adopted. The school still helps a lot now

It’s not true that safeguarding would automatically report somebody with learning disabilities. You know learning disability is a broad term and that some will include things like autism, ADHD, dyslexia etc I’m the term. Just because somebody has a diagnosis of a condition which can fall under the umbrella term of learning disability doesn’t mean that social services will be involved or that the school would flag anything up. I think everybody has read the term ‘learning disability’ and made massive assumptions about what that means and what the DB would be able to do, when it’s completely feasible that he could only be effected in a few aspects of life and that these are things which either wouldn’t impact on parenting or which could be mitigated by having the money to pay for things like a cleaner.

This post is incredibly disablist! There is no reason why a person with depression, autism or some form of learning disability automatically cannot care for children. There are so many factors that come into being able to be a good parent and everybody with a disability or difficulty experiences them differently, some people with autism or depression absolutely couldn’t parent a child but others could parent children well with support and others could parent without any specific or extra support.

Have you read the thread? Look what the op has actually said about her brother. This isn’t just the autism/depression/LD label. It’s what she’s said about him. She’s even said herself that she doesn’t think he’d be a “good parent”.

Some strange threads this evening

I agree.

Oh honestly, this sounds like a catalogue of great reasons why this person absolutely should not be in charge of two grieving children. You are getting very defensive to the extent that I wonder why you even asked the question if you’re going to dismiss every valid reply.