To not want BIL and SIL to have the children if we die?

[Veggiesintheground]

They are really lovely people, but they don’t live locally, meaning if we died DCs would have to undergo a change of school, etc. they also have two young children themselves.

To me, my brother is the better option. He does struggle with self care as he has minor LDs, but could manage with support which could be provided with money he’d get if we died.

AIBU?

It’s not strictly accurate that he ‘can’t’ look after himself, more that he doesn’t. I can’t say it’s a choice as that’s misleading but if he had a partner I think he’d be able to parent reasonably well with support. It’s the support he would need.

Ok, well, it's a worry.

When my dc were tiny, the options would have been: my db (we aren't close); my dbil & dsil (no kids of their own); my bff & her dh (reciprocal agreement, both families had young kids).

In the last decade ALL of those people have experienced huge changes in their family situations. Divorces, new marriages, new babies etc etc. Sadly, I would no longer trust my oldest friend with a house plant, given her choice of second husband.

The thing you really need to be aware of is that your wishes are not the end of the process here.

Assuming db AND dbil/dsil both express willingness to take on your dc, social services will decide who is best able to look after them. Your opinion will not be all that important, because, well, you'll be dead.

If you can agree whilst you're alive on an option with the dc's dad AND the putative guardian(s), then yes, that is probably what will happen. No guarantees, though.

How likely are you & their father to perish unexpectedly together & within the next few years, though? RTAs aside, a far likelier scenario is one of you surviving & parenting as a widow, so I would focus on the financial ramifications of that.

His LD alone would be reason they would be involved. And not being able to take care of himself would be case closed. If your brother had children of his own he would have SS involvement. They won't allow children to go to an unsuitable home, and that's what this would be, based on how you described it.

And you're likely trying to downplay tbh so it's probably worse in reality.

There is no reason whatsoever on the surface why my brother wouldn’t be suitable or why SS would intervene or question this decision

You’ve said he struggles with some self care and would need support to parent. That would be an issue SS would be concerned about.

what is this support you keep talking about and where do you think it would come from?

I'm not saying you need to outline your misgivings, but I would have thought checking that either of those parties are willing and able to step in if necessary would bea sensible idea.

If I'm reading this correctly you seem to have decided that your DB will move into your house and bring up your children. He deserves the opportunity to be consulted on this.

However you seem to have decided that you are not bring unreasonable and not open to the possibility he may not be the best choice.

This is not the movies, it is not like your executor will contact your selected relative to let them know they have inherited your children.

You need to talk to them, check that they agree after discussing the implications or look for someone else if they don’t.

Also, what makes you think that nannies, who are employed and can come and go as their circumstances/expectations change are going to be ok with becoming the primary carer of your kids with an unreliable adult as their boss???

@alphapie - he has no formally diagnosed LDs.

Im sure you know that LDs covers a vast area, absolutely huge. And that many people with LDs parent just fine without any intervention from SS. Or do you honestly believe every parent with any learning disability is grilled extensively by SS before being permitted to parent?

Its quite disappointing how prejudiced some of these remarks are.

You need to think about who would be best placed to care for traumatised & grieving children & love them through potentially harmful behaviour. all while (presumably) grieving themselves

From your description your brother would struggle

Its quite disappointing how prejudiced some of these remarks are

Its not prejudice. It’s judging on the information you’ve given that he would need support to look after your children if they went to him.

@PurpleDaisies from anywhere really. He’d need support in keeping the house (cleaner) and probably support in childcare (he does work) and so on.

It is something we’d discuss if I did decide that he was our best option. I am very aware that I can’t assume his cooperation except I sort of can … we are close and he’s certainly more helpful on a day to day basis than BIL, and the children know him better and are more comfortable with him.

They are when being assessed to care for newly orphaned children.

Do you think they just hand children over to whoever parents decide? They investigate beforehand because of the situation of their parents dying.

If you both die SS will be involved, they will check the people or person you have nominated to be guardian, if they fail (which your bother will based on what you have written) the children will go to more suitable family members.

That is the process.

Again, do you think SS will think a man who requires a team of staff to maintain a standard of living is the most suitable parent for 2 traumatised children over a couple who do not need this?

What planet are you on

@GibbonsGoatsGibbons to be honest that’s why I’m inclined to go with my brother. My BIL and his wife are lovely people, but living with them would involve giving up their homes, rooms, schools, sharing bedrooms, sharing close personal space with other children they don’t know well, starting at a new school and having to share the available adults with their own children.

I genuinely don’t feel that is best for grieving children. I acknowledge my brother isn’t perfect but what he can offer is some stability and some consistency.

Anyway, thanks for thoughts - interesting as always.

YABU. A loving, supportive home with kind and caring parent figures who could help them come to terms with what had happened would be the most important thing, rather than being with your DB. It's unfair on him.

It's not "prejudiced" to think someone who can't look after themselves can't look after two children. You said your brother "struggle[s] with self care" - do you think he'll find it easier to care for two children and himself or just himself?

Either you're anticipating that your children are going to provide care for your brother, or that the money intending for your children's care is going to subsidise your brother instead, or that your children won't be cared for. None of those are good options for your children - and they're the only options based on what you've said.

This is such an emotive conversation. We don’t have kids yet but my fiancé and I have had very emotional conversations about this - he would want any children to go to his Mum as she is 10 years younger than mine and he reasons that means she’ll be around longer. His Mum lives at the opposite end of the country and my Mum is much closer, but also has much more money to be able to care for them.

We’ve never really come to an agreement on this. I have no advice, but I understand your gut feeling of wanting your kids to stay where they know.

It’s not that your brother has a LD, it’s the fact you said his LDs cause him to be unable to even care for himself independently.

I also noted you implied your brother doesn’t live local to you, as you said he is not tied down to an area like BIL is. Are you seriously expecting your brother to give up his home, his job, and his local area? Do you have any idea how hard this is for a person with LDs- even one who isn’t grieving, and doesn’t have two children to care for ?

@alphapie I don’t think you seem to understand that SS aren’t interested.

As I said to you above, there are plenty of people who would fall into the category of mild (or not so mild) LDs who do manage to parent perfectly well, often with support from their own families.

Trust me on this, it wouldn’t be a SS matter.

We all need support when parenting. MN forms part of that. Our own families and friends. Childcare. Partners. I don’t parent without support.

What do you mean they aren't interested? You don't seem to understand the process at all.

They will be involved if your children need to be placed into a guardianship situation, that's a fact. As that's the process followed in such cases.

Parents aren't always the best at deciding who looks after children, some have named parents who were abusive to them as children, some will ask people with hidden convictions, this is why there are checks in place.

Just because you are ignorant to the facts don't make them less so

You really think a single man who can’t look after himself properly and has no parenting experience would be better because the children wouldn’t have to share bathrooms or move school?

You’ve even said in another post that you don’t think he’d be a good parent.

This is such a weird thread.

How long have you got to make a decision?

Discuss this issue with your family then draw up a guardianship with your solicitor.

I wouldn't use your brother if he has self care issues, but what's your alternative?

Fully appreciate that you want your children to stay where they are but in the event of both of your deaths, the children will have to cope.

You can't keep them in your home after your death, you must know that?

Anyway, unlikely to happen.

We all need support when parenting.

Its disingenuous to equate that with the kind of support you’ve said your brother would need.

@Discovereads that really wouldn’t be a problem.

He isn’t tied to an area for work reasons and actually hates where he lives. But that’s all by the by. I’m not expecting to die. If I did, and DH did, I know my brother would be there like a shot. One thing I will say for him is he’s there when you need him.

Things he struggles with are:

Basic housekeeping - it’s very hard to say whether this is down to depression / lack of motivation. Sometimes he’ll have a really good clean but other times it’s bad.

Autism and sensory issues mean he often avoids showers / baths.

Timekeeping isn’t always brilliant. He has been late for work on occasion.

Physical health not great - very susceptible to viruses and so on and can be a bit of a drama llama regarding them; lots of declarations of having ‘flu’ for a cold and so on.

Anyway, I do have to get on but thanks for the replies.

So you want your brother to care for your children but he'd have to hire someone unknown to them to actually care for them? It sounds like a terrible stress on someone who can't look after themselves properly.

But I can understand where you're coming from. You could argue that if DH and I died, his sister and her family would be best placed to provide a 'family' environment for DS, but our wills already stipulate that my mum will have him in that situation as less would require to change for him.