To not want BIL and SIL to have the children if we die?

[Veggiesintheground]

They are really lovely people, but they don’t live locally, meaning if we died DCs would have to undergo a change of school, etc. they also have two young children themselves.

To me, my brother is the better option. He does struggle with self care as he has minor LDs, but could manage with support which could be provided with money he’d get if we died.

AIBU?

It doesn't have to be family!

What about good friends that would be able to move locally?

I’m so sorry you lost your mum as a child. I don’t think staying in your old home could have made it less traumatic though because it’s such an overwhelming loss all by itself. And have you really deeply thought about how your DC would feel about your brother moving into their house, sleeping in your bedroom, sitting on your sofa? It won’t feel like their home to them because you won’t be there.

Your plan is fair to neither your children or your brother and you run the risk of your children ending up in care.

assuming this is true and not a reverse, your wishes of who gets your children is just a preference, not a guarantee - if its felt your DB cant care for them he might not get them, chances are social work will get involved and decide who gets the children

I don't think it's as simple as that. Social services may decide that your brother is not an appropriate choice.

Obviously YABU.

If this is serious OP, what effect do you think it might have on them if they lose their parents, then have substandard, confusing care by someone with LD and then get moved by social services/the family courts to your in laws after all that

More instability and a confusing experience of being parented.

I agree that you're letting your own experience cloud your judgement. I understand that you would have liked to stay in your own home but it is not the most important thing.

Yabu
This sounds odd
my sister died suddenly very young leaving her very young daughter
I probably similar to you brother “additional needs” putting it mildly
My sister knew this and when she was admitted to hospital had her friend (with kids) take her little girl to stay with them and she now lives with her dad
I was SO relieved and grateful her friend had her little girl. Especially as she was a mum so could look after appropriately. I love my niece immensely but would have no idea how to look after her especially as I was heavily shocked myself and in no state to look after myself at the time

From these choices, I would chose BIL/SIL as you’ve said they’re lovely people - I am also going to assume that they are good parents that share similar values as you’ve not mentioned they haven’t versus a non-parent that can’t look after themselves but you think they would step up if they had your children. I’d actually think the opposite, the responsibility may not be right for your brother even with some help around the house.

I'm not sure AIBU is the best place to ask this.

But, as you have, I think - from the little you have told us - that you are proposing something very strange.
Why would you think that someone who is not even able to take care of themselves would make a good parent for two small traumatised dc ?

There is nothing about that decision that makes sense.

Your brother would also be grieving your loss and having to look after children in that state could be overwhelming.

They are lovely people but I don’t know them particularly well and I do think trying to parent four children, two of whom will have lost everything, is too much. That’s about the gist of it really. I’m a bit lost as to what’s odd about that - it’s not something anyone really wants to think about but I do believe my brother can offer more stability if only because he isn’t tied to an area in the way BIL is.

To be clear here @Kite22 i don’t think anyone in this scenario will be a ‘good parent.’ it is ‘which option is the least worst.’

Surely two currently functioning parents of two children are far more likely to cope with an additional two children than a single man with learning difficulties who can't look after himself? Even just mathematically, either option is two children per adult, but one option that adult has learning difficulties and struggles with self-care and the other option that's not the case.

Your proposal makes zero sense at all.

Don’t you think they’re good parents to their children?

You've said your brother would only cope because of the money your death would provide in terms of additional childcare etc so surely the exactly same would apply to SIL and BIL - or would you somehow intend to prevent that if they were the guardians?

I think you need to go back to the drawing board. By the sound of things your brother would need a lot of support to care for your children. If he can’t look after himself properly having 2 bereaved children will be difficult.

we have 4 siblings between us and our children wouldn’t have been going to any of them, my best friend and her dh would be the ones stepping up and caring for our children.

OP, presumably whoever you're considering as guardians don't have two spare bedrooms NOW. They would most likely have to use some of the money you and DH bequeathed to buy a house to adequately house your DC plus their existing family. There would be no reason why the DC's bedrooms couldn't be very similar to their original bedrooms.
Could you even fund an extra room so that your DC could keep more things from their old home than just a suitcase or two of mementos?

Seriously - good for you for considering this.

Yes, it's very unlikely, especially these days, that kids will lose both parents at once. But I do know someone who lost both their parents within a year in their early teens. They ended up in the indifferent and questionable care of male relatives who didn't want them, the effects were lifelong.

Love and stability are what you're looking for, and TBH why are you not looking at close local friends who have a similar parenting style?

YABU big time, also I highly doubt social services would allow this to happen anyway.

They'd be removed and given to more suitable family members

I don't think not being tied to a particular area is a bad thing - the deal was always that my uncle who didn't have kids (and then me once I was 18), would be guardian for the children (including me pre-18) precisely because we could move wherever was best for the children. My other uncle has kids but/so wouldn't have been able to give up his current life for us.

However, I think it is made different by the point that they struggle with self care - though it really does depend on the specifics of what you mean by this. They would have lost their sibling too at this point and that might make them worse. If what you mean is - a bit disorganised and not great at keeping on top of the house then you're right that could be remedied with a housekeeper. If you mean can't manage their own medications/financial affairs, that's a totally different ball game

I have no learning difficulties but I do struggle to keep on top of the house - so I pay someone to facilitate that for me. I don't always find it easy to be organised enough to pick out what I'm cooking - so I have automated my shopping lists so I can just click two buttons and a week's worth of food turns up. Would your brother be able to put in place the mechanisms to manage things that weren't his strengths himself, or would he need someone else to? That would be the key question for me. He'd be having to be strong for multiple people and that can be a hard task for anyone - especially someone on their own who doesn't have a partner (whose family hasn't just hypothetically died) to lean on.

You are aware you don't just get to decide this and it's set in stone right? Social services would be involved and they wouldn't allow children to be placed with someone who can't look after themselves when more suitable family is available.

So there isn't much use getting to worked up over this

How are you so sure your brother would want the responsibility of them? If he can't look after himself then it would be massively unfair on them to live with him.

I had guardianship pass over to friends on the understanding that I did not expect them to raise my 3 DC but expected them to make the best decision for me DC at the time which could well have been adoption/long term foster care.

No one is getting ‘worked up.’ I’m simply wondering what others think. I realise that you don’t know the characters involved.

There is no reason whatsoever on the surface why my brother wouldn’t be suitable or why SS would intervene or question this decision