My whole family is full of money grabbers?

[WatermelonSugarRainbow]

This is a long one, so bear with me please.

A bit of a background

I am one of three siblings, my sister is a single mother and my brother (much younger, single) holds an ok job. My parents and siblings live in a small town whilst I moved to London to study and work (20 years ago). I'm the only one in the family to go to uni and hold a 'professional' job.

Over the years, I've always treated my mum and siblings - I would take my mum shopping (cashmere jumpers, linen dresses, perfumes, new mobile phones and even a laptop). I took her to Barcelona (all paid long weekend) for her 60th birthday. I'd also take my family out for dinners (to the pub or pizza express - nothing too fancy) and pick up the bill etc. knowing that they were not able to afford it but I just wanted to spend time with them/strenghten our bond.

We booked a holiday cottage with my sister and invited my mum (splitting the cost between us) but she backed out on the day we were meant to leave because her 'car broke down and it was very expensive to fix' so I just asked her to join us the next day. She drove the next day and never mentioned the car but I ended up paying for the accommodation, with my mum saying that it was too expensive for my sister because she's a single mum (even though she agreed to the cost previous to that). I must admit my dp was very angry about this whole situation.

Since I've had my dd, my mum stayed with us for the first couple months to help and I'm really grateful for that. When I went back to work, I've put dd at nursery. Meanwhile when my sister had her son, my mum looked after him until he was 3yo (for free).

After having my second, I asked if my mum would help me with childcare and nursery drop offs and pick ups. I suggested she moves in with us until my son is ready to start nursery (at 2 years old). She asked that I pay her for childcare and we agreed that I would pay her £500 a month whilst covering her food, accommodation etc.

Both me and my husband hold well paid jobs and on the face of it, we are doing really well but we are 'self made' and have huge monthly expenses - mortgage on an expensive house (good area/schools etc.), car loan, student loans (about to be paid off) and credit card debt that we used when we were decorating the house, so £500 per month for childcare is not an insignificant amount for us but it's obviously less than nursery and we agreed because we felt that she was the best person to look after dc to give us a piece of mind.

Since she started looking after children (6 months ago) I've purchased her a few things as 'gifts' like a smart watch, taken out a phone contract with a new handset for her (her phone was old), covered her travel expenses, expensive trainers etc. All in all about £450 worth of things. She also requested to have a 2 week break in June to go home and rest, so I took annual leave to cover that.

Fast forward to now, we booked and paid for her to come on holiday in Spain (first in 2 yrs) to help with childcare and she agreed to that. She's asked my brother to join us in the villa. (I agreed that me and my brother split the villa cost for my mum evenly). On day one of holiday, both my dp and ds became ill, that's when she told me she was 'on holiday' and wasn't going to help. On day 4, my brother demanded we give him money back as he would/should not pay for my mum. He accused me of ripping him off, took out a hammer and threatened to damage the villa, I ended up asking him to leave and gave him all his money back for his share (£400) even though it was already half way through the holiday, as I didn't feel safe having him around.

My mum took his side and demanded that I pay her for childcare in June (I haven't yet done so, as she 'took 2 week off' to go back to her house and only came back to catch a flight with us) she then told me she no longer wanted to look after my children and accused me of being ungrateful and 'not generous' with my family when I said I've spent so much money on this holiday paying for everyone.

I was so upset, at my lowest point with both my partner and my son sick, I've had zero sleep (sharing bedroom with dc whilst my mum and brother had separate bedrooms), I was up all night giving him medication, he was so grumpy and tired all day. I could have done with help specially in terms of my daughter - just someone to take her out as I was pretty much stuck indoors with ds because of fever. The fact that she took my brothers side (who acted like a psycho) and I feel like I've been nothing but generous towards her.

I'm disappointed - I've agreed to pay her when she didn't ask anything from my sister. All my life, I never got given anything - she gave my sister and my brother money for a deposit - I never said anything but I feel that she expects me to pay for her everywhere - every dinner, every drink, every Christmas.

For my 40th birthday, she stayed overnight with dc so that my partner and I could go away for one night (first time since having children). She was already staying with us and paid to do so and said that was her 'present to me'.

I think what it is, is that I feel that I've been generous and paid for lots of things from my mum, so her to demand last month's payment whilst on a fully paid holiday is a bit 'much'.

I owe her money (£250), should I just give her money I owe her, or should I 'deduct' all the cost for 'gifts' (£450) plus the cost of holiday villa and flights (£500) - meaning we would be all square?

Am I being unreasonable deducting gifts and holidays?

Not a travelling nanny though as she just wanted a free holiday and refused to do any childcare.

sorry OP, but I would ditch them.

You’ve saved a fortune having your mum live with you. So my personal opinion here:
Pay the £250 because you’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.
Book child into nursery / childminder from now.
Pay a babysitter when you go out. I’m sure someone you know will be able t9 recommend someone.
In many respects, your family have shown their true colours. So just stop with the generosity. Don’t announce it, just stop. If you book a holiday, just go as a family (you DH and child) and accept that you won’t have childcare (to be honest most people holiday without built in childcare, you do stuff as a family). Stop buying gifts unless it’s birthday / Christmas. Stop treating everyone for dinner. Pay for yourselves. Threatening to smash a villa to get money? Not on. See if he threatens to smash a restaurant if you don’t pay. Don’t rely on them. You don’t need to loose contact, just don’t give them so much or expect it.

On the face of it £500 is cheap but add in the holidays and gifts what have you actually paid? How many more years of childcare do you have ahead of you?.

I think you need to bite the bullet and pay for childcare. Its clear its too much for your mum and she's starting to resent it. Spend time with her with your dc and stop paying her.

It does sound like you expect a lot and have been generous as a reward. Make sure your family know that with increased costs you can't afford to keep bankrolling everything.

Drop the family holidays and the gifts. It's created an expectation and now they aren't satisfied with what they get and want more.

Meanwhile you have to save for dc future, not piss all your money up the wall in chain restaurants and needless gadgets.

I do find it a bit strange that you suggested she move in with you for such a significant amount of time to provide childcare when nurseries, nannies and childminders exist? I think that was quite an odd way of thinking to start with. But it’s happened and I suggest that you end your childcare contract with her, regardless of how informal it is. It’s not a great set up when she needs to request two weeks off for a “holiday”. That is a live in nanny not a grandmother.
As others have said, don’t shell out anymore money for your brother and sister. They’re adults and capable of sorting themselves out. I wouldn’t be suggesting dinners out anytime soon and certainly not shared holidays. Pay your mum the money you owe her and find a nanny or other chidlcare setting for your little one.

Pay the £250
Never holiday with any of them ever again
Nc with violent brother
No more extravagant gifts for anyone
No handouts

I do find it a bit strange that you suggested she move in with you for such a significant amount of time to provide childcare when nurseries, nannies and childminders exist? I think that was quite an odd way of thinking to start with. But it’s happened and I suggest that you end your childcare contract with her, regardless of how informal it is. It’s not a great set up when she needs to request two weeks off for a “holiday”. That is a live in nanny not a grandmother.
As others have said, don’t shell out anymore money for your brother and sister. They’re adults and capable of sorting themselves out. I wouldn’t be suggesting dinners out anytime soon and certainly not shared holidays. Pay your mum the money you owe her and find a nanny or other chidlcare setting for your little one.

Also…get an au pair

You need to sort proper childcare so you don't have to rely on your mum as your priority.

It does sound like everyone is used to you paying and taking it for granted. However, you chose to pay for all these things. When you give a gift, you can't attach strings to it. You can't claim the money back if someone isn't grateful enough.

So YABU but be more mindful with your generosity and make sure you really want to give and can do so without conditions.

Well it's a messy end and that's for sure.
I agree with pps about just stopping. Put your house in order on a firm financial basis with appropriate paid for childcare.
Pay your mum the 250, it's a spit in the bucket.
And think about what you got from all of this. Seriously. Because, yes their behaviour was poor BUT you kinda created it.

I think you've brought this upon yourself if I'm honest.

Lots of families struggle balancing finances in the nursery years.

Just put your hand in your pocket and pay professionals rather than damaging your relationship with your family further - it sounds like the arrangement suits nobody.

I think employing family is a bad idea. Your mum has uprooted her life to come and live with you.
That's a huge commitment.
Inviting her on holiday with you to supply childcare isn't on. It sounds like you are treating her an employee rather than your mum/ dcs grandma.
I do see why you feel you haven't been offered the same support as your siblings and yes they probably think you have more disposable income then you actually do, and havent treated you with consideration or respect.
Your brother sounds very volatile, it's sounds like a holiday from hell for you.
I think you need to bite the bullet and put DC in nursery and keep family and formal childcare separate.
I don't think you can deduct the cost of gifts from any money owed, a gift is a gift.
But I would look for alternative childcare and avoid any future arrangement that involves splitting the cost as clearly you are likely to end up with the whole bill.

I think you need to find another means of childcare and not be so generous. Put it towards your kids and yourselves. You have been more than generous

Well now you know op, don't even try because you will never get thanked for it. If she wants to come on holiday in future she pays for it (in advance) if your brother wants to come on holiday in future he pays for it (in advance) No subsidising, no expectations

It’s cheaper to hand over cold hard cash than to pay the emotional cost of using your mum for childcare. This is a lesson I also learned the hard way.

Give your mum the money you owe and thank her, genuinely, for providing the childcare, for looking after your DC and for helping you. Leave things on a positive.

It was a mistake to have asked her to be your childcare, but I can see your CF brother being the driving force behind the holiday mayhem. From what you’ve said here, the information from and about your siblings comes via your mum - sister too skint to pay for mum’s 60th present and arrangements for brother to be added to your recent holiday - it’s like she’s the flying monkey between you all, be careful of that. A family WhatsApp group can be useful.

I’m sure your siblings are very happy to spend your money, enjoying meals etc when you’re picking up the tab. See what they’re willing to bring to the table and let the invitation come from them next time you meet up.

It was a mistake to get your mum to be your childcare provider, no matter how generous or flexible the terms were, but the thing about mistakes is that they provide an opportunity to learn from them, and I’m sure you’ve got a lot to have learned from this!

Everything is secondary to your brother threatening you, and your mother supporting him and your children in the house.

Absolutely, completely unforgivable IMO.

End your arrangement with your mother and any contact with your brother.

I would never trust her with a child again and your brother sounds like a thug.

Using your mum as an au pair was an absolutely terrible idea, and I can't believe you asked her to do that to be honest.
If you're well off you can pay appropriately for childcare from someone qualified. You're choosing to have children, it's not your mums job to give up her life to be your nanny.

The whole dynamic between your family is bloody bizarre.
They're grabby, but you're a CF tbh.

I also can’t believe what I’m reading. You asked her to do this to get subsidised child care as you didn’t wish to pay full price and you’re nickel and diming her. Yet saying they are money grabbers,

pay what you owe and no you don’t deduct gifts.

Are you having a laugh? On what planet is full time child care for an infant paying. 125 quid a week more than generous?

I think a lot of posters are missing the point!! The £500 was an AGREEMENT between the OP and her mum. OP is paying her mum to do what she did FOC for her sister. The fact that she has moved in means that she is benefitting from (I presume) free food, free heat and light, as well as the various treats OP buys for her. I'm not sure where OP's father figures in this arrangement?

I think you need to pull back from the financial side of things. Pay your mother whatever she thinks you owe her and send her back home. It sounds like you could afford to pay for proper childcare anyway, and it would be so well worth it to avoid these family dynamics!

Your brother sounds a bit deranged and the fact that your mother took his side is frankly incredible.

My parents lived too far from us to provide us with any childcare and tbh I don't think they really wanted to anyway. I'm 59 and I've always been clear that I'd never provide FT childcare though I'd obviously help out where I could. We have 3 children, my SIL has one - MIL used to go and clean her house and minded DN regularly but never once helped us. I wouldn't really have trusted her anyway, We paid through the nose for childcare for 18 years but it was actually better that way.

Stop treating your ungrateful family. Tell them that the cost of childcare is very much impacting on your budget. Do not take any family members on holiday again - reserve that for you, your DP and your children.

Hopefully if you reset the boundaries, your family members will adjust. If they don't.... well you know what's going on.

I think some posters have been really hard on you, and I hope you don't dwell on that xx

Cut the lot of them out, they're arseholes. You'll have a lot more peace once you're over the grief of having a shit family. You don't owe her anything, the holiday was free in return for childcare, she refused to do it so why should the holiday be free then. You had a verbal contract and she broke it. Just never contact her again. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope life improves for you in the future.

This is really hard OP. It is not nice being taken for granted and treated as though you've got an endless pot of cash. Hope you can make peace with your decisions and have a healthier relationship with your family. 💐

Leaving aside the childcare issue for now, you have been on two holidays where you invited others to split the bill, and both times you ended up paying for the whole thing. You need to stop suggesting family holidays. People can't agree to come, agree to the price, and then turn up and decide it's too expensive and expect you to cover them. Why did you let them do that? It will become an expectation now that you pay for the holidays, so don't get into that situation again.

Your last post makes you sound even worse. So you were initially going to ask her to provide childcare for free while doing things that lots of people do for their mums anyway regardless of childcare.

And why on earth do you need childcare on holiday to the extent that you resent your mum treating her holiday as a holiday and - God forbid - taking a boat ride!!

Go with your dc and DH like other people and stop lording it over your mum that you have ‘employed’ her for £500 and her time is yours.

Your mum sounds like the only reasonable one here, and she did you a massive favour uprooting her life to support you and your sister.

Also why did you think your brother should split the bill when you had taken your mother as hired childcare? He sounds pretty nutty to threaten to smash the place up but he’s right that he shouldn’t have to pay for your mother when you are taking her as hired help.

I wonder if your mum bought this to a head on holidays as she wanted out but did not know how to broach with with you? I suspect she might have been talking behind the scenes with your siblings and they have been egging her on from the sidelines.

Agree with all the posters above

• stop the childcare and I assume cleaning from your Mum


• Go NC with brother


• Stop paying for things if you can't do so with grace


• Just go on holidays with your own family and save the angst


• Step away a bit from your family and accept that you sadly can't control how your mum treats all her kids differently. This is on her, not you. You can only control your own situation, and your situation sounds quite good actually. Take strength from this and put your head down and get in control of your life - you will have higher bills and more inconvenience with childcare from outside your home but you will be free from the emotional rollercoaster.