My whole family is full of money grabbers?

[WatermelonSugarRainbow]

This is a long one, so bear with me please.

A bit of a background

I am one of three siblings, my sister is a single mother and my brother (much younger, single) holds an ok job. My parents and siblings live in a small town whilst I moved to London to study and work (20 years ago). I'm the only one in the family to go to uni and hold a 'professional' job.

Over the years, I've always treated my mum and siblings - I would take my mum shopping (cashmere jumpers, linen dresses, perfumes, new mobile phones and even a laptop). I took her to Barcelona (all paid long weekend) for her 60th birthday. I'd also take my family out for dinners (to the pub or pizza express - nothing too fancy) and pick up the bill etc. knowing that they were not able to afford it but I just wanted to spend time with them/strenghten our bond.

We booked a holiday cottage with my sister and invited my mum (splitting the cost between us) but she backed out on the day we were meant to leave because her 'car broke down and it was very expensive to fix' so I just asked her to join us the next day. She drove the next day and never mentioned the car but I ended up paying for the accommodation, with my mum saying that it was too expensive for my sister because she's a single mum (even though she agreed to the cost previous to that). I must admit my dp was very angry about this whole situation.

Since I've had my dd, my mum stayed with us for the first couple months to help and I'm really grateful for that. When I went back to work, I've put dd at nursery. Meanwhile when my sister had her son, my mum looked after him until he was 3yo (for free).

After having my second, I asked if my mum would help me with childcare and nursery drop offs and pick ups. I suggested she moves in with us until my son is ready to start nursery (at 2 years old). She asked that I pay her for childcare and we agreed that I would pay her £500 a month whilst covering her food, accommodation etc.

Both me and my husband hold well paid jobs and on the face of it, we are doing really well but we are 'self made' and have huge monthly expenses - mortgage on an expensive house (good area/schools etc.), car loan, student loans (about to be paid off) and credit card debt that we used when we were decorating the house, so £500 per month for childcare is not an insignificant amount for us but it's obviously less than nursery and we agreed because we felt that she was the best person to look after dc to give us a piece of mind.

Since she started looking after children (6 months ago) I've purchased her a few things as 'gifts' like a smart watch, taken out a phone contract with a new handset for her (her phone was old), covered her travel expenses, expensive trainers etc. All in all about £450 worth of things. She also requested to have a 2 week break in June to go home and rest, so I took annual leave to cover that.

Fast forward to now, we booked and paid for her to come on holiday in Spain (first in 2 yrs) to help with childcare and she agreed to that. She's asked my brother to join us in the villa. (I agreed that me and my brother split the villa cost for my mum evenly). On day one of holiday, both my dp and ds became ill, that's when she told me she was 'on holiday' and wasn't going to help. On day 4, my brother demanded we give him money back as he would/should not pay for my mum. He accused me of ripping him off, took out a hammer and threatened to damage the villa, I ended up asking him to leave and gave him all his money back for his share (£400) even though it was already half way through the holiday, as I didn't feel safe having him around.

My mum took his side and demanded that I pay her for childcare in June (I haven't yet done so, as she 'took 2 week off' to go back to her house and only came back to catch a flight with us) she then told me she no longer wanted to look after my children and accused me of being ungrateful and 'not generous' with my family when I said I've spent so much money on this holiday paying for everyone.

I was so upset, at my lowest point with both my partner and my son sick, I've had zero sleep (sharing bedroom with dc whilst my mum and brother had separate bedrooms), I was up all night giving him medication, he was so grumpy and tired all day. I could have done with help specially in terms of my daughter - just someone to take her out as I was pretty much stuck indoors with ds because of fever. The fact that she took my brothers side (who acted like a psycho) and I feel like I've been nothing but generous towards her.

I'm disappointed - I've agreed to pay her when she didn't ask anything from my sister. All my life, I never got given anything - she gave my sister and my brother money for a deposit - I never said anything but I feel that she expects me to pay for her everywhere - every dinner, every drink, every Christmas.

For my 40th birthday, she stayed overnight with dc so that my partner and I could go away for one night (first time since having children). She was already staying with us and paid to do so and said that was her 'present to me'.

I think what it is, is that I feel that I've been generous and paid for lots of things from my mum, so her to demand last month's payment whilst on a fully paid holiday is a bit 'much'.

I owe her money (£250), should I just give her money I owe her, or should I 'deduct' all the cost for 'gifts' (£450) plus the cost of holiday villa and flights (£500) - meaning we would be all square?

Am I being unreasonable deducting gifts and holidays?

It’s a complex situation. Some things are clearly unfair towards you, other things I think you’re reading too much into. For example - childcare. There is a limit as to how much free childcare your mum can give, particularly when she has multiple grandchildren. I send my DD to nursery whilst other family members have free childcare, but I don’t resent it as it makes sense given how the situation developed and I like knowing DD is in a nursery setting with guaranteed hours.

I agree with those who have said you should stop giving extravagant gifts and paying for everything. That was never a good idea. But also - you may need to dial back your expectations regarding childcare because you are contributing to the almost ‘transactional’ nature of the relationships in your family.

Stop buying your DM expensive gifts.

Let her go home and get a nanny or a childminder.

The lines have been blurred too much regarding money with your family.

Pay her the £250 cancel the phone contract and use proper childcare. This is all too much hassle

Give her the measly £250.
Throw her out .
Don't bother with these people ever again.
They have no love or respect for you.
They resent you.
They will squeeze you dry.

The gravy trains stops. Send dm back, your db can fuck off too!
Get a nanny or a childminder, less complicated than this shit. And stop going in ‘family holidays’ using your dm as childcare. Go with your oh and kids on your own.

You resent your mums investment in her other grandchildren, your entire family resent your wealth. It's very sad. I'd extract myself, reduce contact and take time to think what you want from these relationships

What did you expect?
This is why you don’t flaunt your money.

If you had saved all the money you’ve showered on your family you could easily afford independent childcare.
Be honest, your success and ability to treat your family gave you a buzz.
But what you’ve actually done is magnified the difference in your situations.
Get new childcare and learn to be discreet with your finances.

This, as simple as this !

Blimey - I was paying more than 500 a month for nursery 18 years ago. I think you have a completely fucked up family dynamic. Pay properly for childcare and stop the other stuff.

I don't really know how to say this in a more gentle way which u am sorry about because I do feel very sorry for you as this must hurt.

But, this is like you giving your DC ice cream and sweets for dinner every night of their lives then suddenly being surprised that they are tantruming and demanding ice cream for dinner tonight? You have created this monster with your family. Cut them off. Your mum did not provide any childcare, she shouldn't be paid. Tell her you are considering the slate clean between you because of the cost of the holiday being taken off what she thinks you "owe her" for the childcare in June.

Tell her the fall out has come from crossed wires between both sides and from now on you won't be contributing to any confusion by mixing family and money. This includes paying for dinners, drinks, holidays, expensive 1 off gifts etc.

You said in your post that you did those things to strengthen family bonds but your family bonds aren't exactly strong of your brother waved a hammer around with your children in the house and your mum took his side after, are they?

This sounds so messed up. People often end up resenting others for their largesse. I really would have hated having any family member as my employee. That's never a good idea.

Your brother sounds really charming too (not), I'd be very tempted to see if me or my partner could secure an overseas contract and relocate or suddenly decide that we want to live in Scotland!

Give her the money.
pay all your own childcare from now on.

do not pay for meals out, gifts, or anything. Apart from birthdays and Christmas/Festivals give nothing to your family. Use that money to pay for your childcare, pensions, etc ….

Yabu. £500 per month for a live in nanny? You make it sound like you are doing her a favour, when in fact it sounds very much the other way around. And she should be entitled to paid leave.

Also you can't expect your bil to pay 50% for her to come on holiday with you if she is there to look after your kids and they aren't really "gifts" if you expect something in return

I think everyone involved seems to have a very strange relationship with money. Have you ever thought about what money means to you and your how it makes you feel? Is it about success? Or are you worried that you will he judged if you aren't seen as overly generous to others now you have money?

Personally, although you are more successful than your immediate family, are you sure you can afford your lifestyle? Extravagant gifts don't sit well alongside credit card debt and a huge mortgage.

So your mum 60+ year old mum uprooted herself to look after your two children full time (what...50 hours per week?) and you think you're the one being generous?
Did your mum have to leave her home to look after your sister's children?

As for your brother, I would steer clear after the hammer incident.

You pay your mum around £6k a year for full time childcare? That’s shocking! Of course she can’t afford anything, does she also have a mortgage rent on her own home?

Don’t mix business (childcare) with pleasure (family).

pay off your mum, find a childminder and move on.

they’re being very nasty towards you. The cold shoulder would do no harm for a while.

the bank should close.

You would be unreasonable to deduct gifts, but perfectly reasonable to end the arrangement, sort your own childcare and not pay for anything else unless it is split between siblings

It does seem that you have tried to even put the imbalance via this childcare arrangement.
Always a bad idea to have family as employees, also a bit strange for you to ask your brother to pay for half your mums holiday. It all seems very complicated.
Pay the £250, write off everything else.
Don’t treat your family if you have started to resent it.

I think you need to sort alternative childcare, stop paying for everything and inviting people on holiday, and just go back to her being grandma rather than your childcare.

It sounds like it's become the status quo that you pay for loads of stuff, therefore nobody really appreciates that anymore and in fact they expect it.

What a mess. Just give them all the money back and get yourself decent childcare. I find it bizarre how people rely on family for childcare and then give them "treats" as a way to pay them back and add it all up.I have a good friend who does the same and it ends up to no good - she has ended cutting them all off as the boundaries are all blurred. Your mum helping your sister and charging your sister nothing is none of your business.

You all sound enmeshed with an unhealthy family dynamic.

You need boundaries- decide where they are , what you are happy with and stick to them!

What happens if you aren’t splashing the cash? Do you still have a relationship with your family?

You need to go back to having a normal relationship with your mum. Plus she must be exhausted.

stop going in holiday with your family. Also asking your mum to come on holiday and then expecting her to look after your children

Pay your mum £250 and stop using your family as hired help

Treats is really no substitute for a contract, proper pay, ni contributions and paid holidays. If she had spent 5 years doing all this for another family instead of being the family mug for you and your sister she could be £200k better off and I bet that fancy watch and a linen dress looks piss poor in comparison.