My whole family is full of money grabbers?

[WatermelonSugarRainbow]

This is a long one, so bear with me please.

A bit of a background

I am one of three siblings, my sister is a single mother and my brother (much younger, single) holds an ok job. My parents and siblings live in a small town whilst I moved to London to study and work (20 years ago). I'm the only one in the family to go to uni and hold a 'professional' job.

Over the years, I've always treated my mum and siblings - I would take my mum shopping (cashmere jumpers, linen dresses, perfumes, new mobile phones and even a laptop). I took her to Barcelona (all paid long weekend) for her 60th birthday. I'd also take my family out for dinners (to the pub or pizza express - nothing too fancy) and pick up the bill etc. knowing that they were not able to afford it but I just wanted to spend time with them/strenghten our bond.

We booked a holiday cottage with my sister and invited my mum (splitting the cost between us) but she backed out on the day we were meant to leave because her 'car broke down and it was very expensive to fix' so I just asked her to join us the next day. She drove the next day and never mentioned the car but I ended up paying for the accommodation, with my mum saying that it was too expensive for my sister because she's a single mum (even though she agreed to the cost previous to that). I must admit my dp was very angry about this whole situation.

Since I've had my dd, my mum stayed with us for the first couple months to help and I'm really grateful for that. When I went back to work, I've put dd at nursery. Meanwhile when my sister had her son, my mum looked after him until he was 3yo (for free).

After having my second, I asked if my mum would help me with childcare and nursery drop offs and pick ups. I suggested she moves in with us until my son is ready to start nursery (at 2 years old). She asked that I pay her for childcare and we agreed that I would pay her £500 a month whilst covering her food, accommodation etc.

Both me and my husband hold well paid jobs and on the face of it, we are doing really well but we are 'self made' and have huge monthly expenses - mortgage on an expensive house (good area/schools etc.), car loan, student loans (about to be paid off) and credit card debt that we used when we were decorating the house, so £500 per month for childcare is not an insignificant amount for us but it's obviously less than nursery and we agreed because we felt that she was the best person to look after dc to give us a piece of mind.

Since she started looking after children (6 months ago) I've purchased her a few things as 'gifts' like a smart watch, taken out a phone contract with a new handset for her (her phone was old), covered her travel expenses, expensive trainers etc. All in all about £450 worth of things. She also requested to have a 2 week break in June to go home and rest, so I took annual leave to cover that.

Fast forward to now, we booked and paid for her to come on holiday in Spain (first in 2 yrs) to help with childcare and she agreed to that. She's asked my brother to join us in the villa. (I agreed that me and my brother split the villa cost for my mum evenly). On day one of holiday, both my dp and ds became ill, that's when she told me she was 'on holiday' and wasn't going to help. On day 4, my brother demanded we give him money back as he would/should not pay for my mum. He accused me of ripping him off, took out a hammer and threatened to damage the villa, I ended up asking him to leave and gave him all his money back for his share (£400) even though it was already half way through the holiday, as I didn't feel safe having him around.

My mum took his side and demanded that I pay her for childcare in June (I haven't yet done so, as she 'took 2 week off' to go back to her house and only came back to catch a flight with us) she then told me she no longer wanted to look after my children and accused me of being ungrateful and 'not generous' with my family when I said I've spent so much money on this holiday paying for everyone.

I was so upset, at my lowest point with both my partner and my son sick, I've had zero sleep (sharing bedroom with dc whilst my mum and brother had separate bedrooms), I was up all night giving him medication, he was so grumpy and tired all day. I could have done with help specially in terms of my daughter - just someone to take her out as I was pretty much stuck indoors with ds because of fever. The fact that she took my brothers side (who acted like a psycho) and I feel like I've been nothing but generous towards her.

I'm disappointed - I've agreed to pay her when she didn't ask anything from my sister. All my life, I never got given anything - she gave my sister and my brother money for a deposit - I never said anything but I feel that she expects me to pay for her everywhere - every dinner, every drink, every Christmas.

For my 40th birthday, she stayed overnight with dc so that my partner and I could go away for one night (first time since having children). She was already staying with us and paid to do so and said that was her 'present to me'.

I think what it is, is that I feel that I've been generous and paid for lots of things from my mum, so her to demand last month's payment whilst on a fully paid holiday is a bit 'much'.

I owe her money (£250), should I just give her money I owe her, or should I 'deduct' all the cost for 'gifts' (£450) plus the cost of holiday villa and flights (£500) - meaning we would be all square?

Am I being unreasonable deducting gifts and holidays?

I'd say keep the money and call it quits, it would be cheeky if she asked for it back after the holiday debacle alone!
I would put the kids in nursery, go back to just a normal grandparent relationship with your mum, and no gifts apart from a token box of chocolates or similar for birthdays/Christmas.

I think you need to reset your relationship with your mother, it's become too messy
Stop paying her for childcare, your expectations of her as a grandmother are obviously clashing with your need for (paid for) child care. Your and her expectations obviously differ. Stop these ridiculous 'gifts', you can't afford it and you also resent her lack of appreciation.
You need to go back to a normal nan and grandchild relationship with no expectation of childcare, anything she offers is voluntary and not paid for. Splitting costs isn't working for holidays either, just pay for your family and don't go with sisters, brothers or your Mum. Use a kiddies club for childcare while on holiday.

Just googled
The average full time live in nanny salary is £35,000 × 2 years = £70,000.
You've paid £12,000.
Your mum has saved you £58,000

www.checkasalary.co.uk/salary/live-in-nanny

Shes a fucking piss taker op
Chuck her out. Put your kids in nursery and never speak to any of them again

I'm assuming that when she provided childcare to your sister she lived in the same town so could have time to herself in her own home.

How far away from your home does she live?

Giving up two years of her life to look after your kids makes you sound like the entitled one here and like you are used to being able to flash the cash to get your own way.

I'd like to hear your mum's side.

Why on earth should your brother pay 50% of your mum's holiday when she is there to look after your children?

And you asked your mum to move out of her own home and in with you to look after your children for 2 years? For a measly £500 a month?

And you're under the impression you are doing her a favour?

I bet your family's side of the story would be enlightening for sure!!

Thank you for your comments.

I agree, paying my mum for childcare was never a good idea. I'll find an alternative childcare and settle the 'final' payment.

No more holidays with family, no more gifts. I will need to reevaluate my relationship with my brother though.

Your sister is in a different financial situation to you. Maybe she took the piss, it's hard to tell without more info. That doesn't justify you using your mum for heavily subsidized childcare. I think you've taken advantage of her and the gifts don't nearly make up for it.

Change the dynamic, let her go back to being a granny and get yourself proper paid childcare. Then she might well want to come in holiday and help with the kids. But it's not fair to expect her to do so full time

As for your brother - he sounds toxic. Stay away.

Wow your family is horrible give her the money then cut them off, no more paying for anything for them ever again and take back the contract phone if you are paying its yours

That sounds sensible.
Its time to detach and separate childcare from time with your mum. No holidays, no gifts just a more normal relationship with hopefully less resentment

Stop calling it a holiday. Its not a holiday if you were expecting her to do childcare.

You say your mum hasn't given you anything but she has. She uprooted her life to come and be v underpaid childcare for you. There is no way you would ever get a live in nanny for £500 p/m. You do realise she has been your employee all this time? That means you owe her paid annual leave, a minimum wage (subject to fair allowance for living in) and you should be paying employers NI contributions if due.

Your mum has saved you thousands of pounds. Perhaps realise how lucky you have been. And pay her for her annual leave before she sues you for it.

You've exploited your mum OP, and how ANYONE thinks that she's in the wrong is beyond me.

She moved in with you at her age, to provide childcare for two children - for £500 a month, whilst still maintaining her own home, and you think YOU are hard done to? My four day a week, 8.30am - 5pm, 19 year old apprentice is paid more than that!

As for expecting her to help with YOUR sick child on holiday... Why? She does all the childcare when you are working, and you want her to do it when you aren't too?!

Take the "gifts" out (if you count them, they weren't gifts) and remove your siblings from the situation.

You've asked your mum to move in, paid her a pittance for what she's actually doing, then been irritated that the poor woman dared have two weeks off to GO HOME...

Replace "mum" with "nanny" and you're in court for exploitation!

Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself, you're a disgrace. Can't you see there is a world of difference between her looking after your sister's kids and them going home every day, and your mum actually giving up her whole life, moving to a different city, into the home with the kids 24/7? And you think you're hard done to?

The mind boggles! I would NEVER have asked my mum to do that, and if I had my mum would have said no to being exploited.

The gifts and dinners etc are a red herring. You're using them to pretend you haven't exploited your own mother to save paying actual childcare costs gor your own children. Shame on you.

Honestly, the whole family sounds bonkers. The btother sounds like a psycho. I would give whatever money you are assumed to owe, and cut them off. I have no help with my kids (I had 2 under 2) and at one point was paying £3k per month for childcare (we are 2 teachers so hardly millionaires!). It is doable if rubbish. Once you mix money and family you are taking a risk.

You are being punished for going to uni and having a professional job, and for being "the wealthy one".

What family members add up all these costs to the final pound?

Your mother and brother are being awful (and your brother doesn't know how to behave himself).

Your mother clearly wanted this extra cash and to be paid, rather than offering as many, many parents do to do it for free. She has presumably saved at least the same again, if not more, in food and fuel bills. You have been more than generous.

I'd stop all of this now and pay for childcare, even if its more expensive. Its clear that your family just want more and more money out of you and they can't even be nice about it, so pay someone who isn't going to cause you all this hassle.

user1471 Your mum has saved you thousands of pounds. Perhaps realise how lucky you have been. And pay her for her annual leave before she sues you for it.

I very much doubt that the courts would go anywhere near what is a social arrangement between family members, but in the unlikely event that they did so, I'm sure HMRC would be interested in having all the tax the mother owes them too.

You've tried to buy your family's affection.
It's backfired.
Your brother sounds like a fucking psycho and I'd never have him near my DC again.
Instead of flashing the cash and playing the big 'I am' by buying 'gifts' for your Mother, why didn't you just pay a decent wage?

@AchatAVendre - the Mother hasn’t earned enough to pay any tax! Also whilst a grandparent doing child care a couple of days a week is normal, becoming a live in nanny for their child is very much not.

OP, it sounds like your brother was fully justified in feeling ripped off for contributing to your mum's holiday (even though your expected childcare from her on holiday).

I can only assume that if he had to resort to threatening to hammer the villa down in order to secure his refund, that you were being extremely blind and stubborn to how unfairly you were treating him. I think you are probably the one at fault for antagonising him by essentially stealing his money

If it was me, I'd give her the £250 and do nothing more for any of them. Not one penny.

I REALLY hope you’ve been paying your mum’s National Insurance contributions.
I think you’ve treated her shamefully.
Our full time nanny is on £39k per year but she gets paid holiday, NI, pension contributions etc. You’ve been expecting your mum to do the same job, but paid a pittance and with none of the STATUTORY benefits like paid holiday - AND expected her to be grateful for it to boot.
I’m surprised she put up with it for as long as she did.

You seem to have become the people pleaser in your family. The one that needs to pay your mother for the help that your siblings get for free. How does that make you feel? Do you feel guilty about your relative success and responsible for making their lives better? Did you set up up the live in childcare situation with your mother to help her out financially?

The more you give, the more they take. Unfortunately no good deed goes unpunished and unchecked overgiving can lead to being taken for granted and resentment building up.

As others have said it would be a good idea to pay up what you owe your mother and reset the boundaries. Become independent of them and only give them what you really want to give. You may be disappointed with their reaction, the possibility of rejection but some counselling will help you to deal with the feelings. This dynamic hasn't appeared from nowhere. It's probably been there from childhood.

She still needs to declare it. And if she is on benefits, it might affect those.

You sound dreadfully entitled. You really need to accept that your situation and that of your sister is not the same. Your mum has attempted to help out both of you - not in exactly the same way, but let's face it, you were getting something out of having her care for your child from a financial perspective, just as your sister did.

Your brother obviously behaved dreadfully but it sounds like there is quite some build up of frustrations and upset running across you all. As far as I can see, the most sensible thing to do would be to pay what you owe, let your mum go back to her own life and restrict contact with your family in the future if it's only going to involve you putting your hand in your pocket. Demand to see them on an equal financial footing - but in doing that, you do need to recognise that they are not in the same financial position as you, are they?

So what?

Doens't mean OP has "never got given anything"