Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents cancelling babysitting

467 replies

Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 09:48

So me and dh were invited to a wedding back in February... wedding is in October. I asked my parents months ago if they would have dd for the wedding. They said yes. It's the whole day and night. So we returned the rsvp saying we would be attending.

Now my parents are after being invited to the evening part. They now want to go. My dd makes very strange with people and my parents are the only ones who have ever minded her.

I think it's unfair they want to cancel now but also realise they aren't obliged to mind dd either so who is being unreasonable here

OP posts:
Fivefor · 10/07/2022 12:14

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:07

It's not the grand parents fault that they won't use babysitters

No but it is their fault they're reneging on their agreement becuase they would rather go to an event where a) their invite was a courtesy, b) they won't know anyone and c) that decision stops their daughter from celebrating her oldest friend's wedding.

That is a fucking disgrace and I can't see how anyone could think otherwise. I don't have kids, nor do I ever want them, but I'm self aware to know that if I had a 25yo in OPs situation, I'd be staying at home looking after the bairn.

Youseethethingis1 · 10/07/2022 12:15

I agree with PP that the the parents are behaving like a pair of wotsits.
If Plan B with the friend works out then all well and good, but if not then I hope the parents feel like a pair of wotsits when their DD has to leave her friends wedding and they realise that they are sitting there like a pair of chumps surrounded by her friends.
Any threat to never babysit again doesn't hold much power as it's obvious OP doesn't take the piss and they are flakey anyway so 🤷‍♀️

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:15

I would be happy my parents were also going to the event, what a lovely occasion for all to enjoy

scubad · 10/07/2022 12:16

I don't think your parents are expecting you not to go and them to go instead like previous posters are implying. They're expecting you to find alternate childcare plans with 3 months notice surely. I don't think they're being unreasonable at all.

You say your daughter wont settle round others but it's the perfect opportunity to practice this with her in the 3 months leading up to it.

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:16

'Fucking disgrace' is a bit strong

BungleandGeorge · 10/07/2022 12:18

Surely the parents are actually friends of the family rather than being total strangers who have been invited out of courtesy and won’t know a soul there?

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:18

I've had people pull out of babysitting agreements for various reasons, life happens, don't catastrophise, adjust and move on

Fivefor · 10/07/2022 12:20

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:15

I would be happy my parents were also going to the event, what a lovely occasion for all to enjoy

But they wouldn't all be enjoying it - OP and DH would be enjoying the afternoon and the parents would (probably not) be enjoying the evening.

billy1966 · 10/07/2022 12:23

How selfish and unkind of your parents.

Your husbands parents refuse any help to their only child and only grandchild?

How extraordinary.

Your parents sound utterly selfish.

Who agrees to something and the reneges?
Selfish people do.

I think you desperately need to set up a reciprocal arrangement with single parent immediately so that your child gets used to this friend and her children in your house.

Put some solid effort in to have them play together and by the wedding they should be fine.

You need to plan on never depending on your parents.

Get a babysitting circle going with a couple of close friends, it can be a game changer.

stuntbubbles · 10/07/2022 12:23

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/07/2022 11:55

Wedding invite trumps babysitting

No. First plan trumps subsequent invitations. They’ve agreed to babysit on X evening and are now reneging because something else has come along. That’s shitty enough, but that it’s the same event as OP is going to makes it all worse. Especially as they’re only evening guests whereas OP is invited for the whole time.

I don’t even think OP’s DH going home to look after DD, and OP staying on, is a good solution even if they could afford it: she wants a night out with her husband, not to hang out with the parents who have just shafted her!

OP, have you actually said to your parents “Please don’t go, you promised to babysit and if you don’t, you’re taking away the one night out DH and I have had in X months, together with my opportunity to celebrate with my friend of X years”?

Fivefor · 10/07/2022 12:24

BungleandGeorge · 10/07/2022 12:18

Surely the parents are actually friends of the family rather than being total strangers who have been invited out of courtesy and won’t know a soul there?

My parents wouldn't know the parents of my childhood friends. I went to a school by bus as did the friends from other villages to a central school. They may have said hello when they picked me up if i went for tea after school or they came to mine, but there is absolutely no guarantee they would be friends of the family.

My mother worked at the same place as one of my friends and gave him a lift (he got the bus to and from ours), so I could just about see them being invited to his wedding (she died the week before after a long illness so never found out if she would or not).

coconutpie · 10/07/2022 12:26

YANBU. Your parents are being very selfish. This is the wedding of YOUR friend and they would be happy for you to miss out so that they could go. You need to be more upfront with them not this whole "so you realise if you go, we can't". That was the wrong way to approach it.

Mum/Dad, you agreed to babysit DC for us so that we could attend the wedding of my childhood friend. You haven't seen her in years and she is my friend, not yours. Now, just because you have received an evening invitation, you feel that your attendance at my friend's wedding is more important than my attendance? I feel very let down given that you gave a commitment months ago to mind DC.

Or something to that effect.

Letschangemyname · 10/07/2022 12:26

I think your parents are being unreasonable, i would have said to them you had spoken to the bride and she didn't realise you were babysitting, she understands why they can't make it and is ok. 😆 bit mean but they made a commitment to you.

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:28

Loads of people are good friends with their kids friends parents

FingersofFish · 10/07/2022 12:31

Why can't your parents just bring toddler with them when they come and when she's had enough you and DH head home? This is what we've always done as we have no childcare options. It's a bit shit leaving early but tbh I've had enough by then at a wedding.

dolphinsarentcommon · 10/07/2022 12:31

Speaking as a grandparent your parents are out of order. They've said they'll babysit and they need to decline their invitation.

In fact the fact that they're grandparents is irrelevant. They made a commitment and they can't just back out now it doesn't suit.

midsomermurderess · 10/07/2022 12:32

Stellaroses · 10/07/2022 09:51

What do you mean “after being invited”? Surely they are either invited or not. If they had been invited, surely you discussed whether or not they wanted to attend before making the babysitting arrangements?
What does “makes very strange” mean?

For God sake, Stella. Not everyone here speaks RP. It’s a very common construction used in Ireland. Surely you can extrapolate the meaning from the context? So sick of this whole Mumsnet ‘but what does it meeeeeaaaan!!!?????’

Léighméleabhair · 10/07/2022 12:34

11Hawkins · 10/07/2022 10:12

Op hasn't said she's Irish where's this whole Irish thing coming from? BlushConfused

Irish weddings are something else compared to normal English ones so in this case, I think Nationality is pretty important. 😂

As it’s her childhood friend, I’m not surprised her parents are invited to the evening do. Assuming it’s a standard Irish wedding, it’s likely to be huge, full of families and go on until the wee small hours.

Can you take DD and let her sleep in the car, all taking turns to look after her?

marylou25 · 10/07/2022 12:35

I wonder if OP is still living in Ireland, if so then it would be very usual for parents to know school friends parents especially if in small town Ireland, unlikely they will know nobody at the wedding.

As for saying middle aged people gets lots of wedding invites and could miss this one I don't know where that is coming from! I fit that bracket and haven't been at a wedding for years and after Covid etc would love an old chance to get together for enjoyment with people.

If the child is 'making strange' now there is no reason to believe it will be the same in October, this is an opportunity to try and get used to some other people minding her, always handy to have a back up as you never know when you need an emergency babysitter.

The grandparents have said they would like to go to the wedding too, yes they are backing down on a previous committment but obviously think there is another solution such as find a babysitter so that everyone can go! In fairness I think I would at least expect the same effort if it was me, doesn't mean I'm a disinterested grandparent.

Thehop · 10/07/2022 12:39

Fivefor · 10/07/2022 11:58

For fucks sake, I'd be seriously considering my (and DDs) relationship with them. No, they don't owe you childcare, but offering it and then revoking the offer so they can go to the same fucking event where they won't actually know anyone because they've made you and DH leave is absolutely beyond the pale.

Selfish fucking cunts, the pair of them. If they subsequently ask to babysit, I'd refuse.

Sorry but I kind of agree with this

MeropeRiddle · 10/07/2022 12:40

OP, I’m glad you've hopefully found a solution. I do think it was shitty of your parents given the circumstances, they’re not as close to the bride as you and ffs you don't get to go out. Not really about being entitled to babysitting, more about being decent. 🙄

With the friend you’re having a trial with, would you have enough room for her and the kids to stay over so that your DD can get more comfortable with her and hopefully settle on the day of the wedding?

Roselilly36 · 10/07/2022 12:42

That seems a bit mean to me, if I had said I would babysit I wouldn’t go back on it.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2022 12:43

I’m glad you’ve found a solution but I agree your parents have behaved atrociously. At some point in the future they’ll be needing you for favours, make sure you bear that in mind later on.

Steakcutchipswithsteak · 10/07/2022 12:45

Harridance · 10/07/2022 12:13

But The op can get a babysitter, shes just putting barriers in the way and she's got 3 months to get her used to her.

But she said she can't pay the babysitter. So how does that work?

PancakesWithCheese · 10/07/2022 12:46

Why can't your parents just bring toddler with them when they come and when she's had enough you and DH head home?

Because it’s a child free wedding. The OP has said this.

You couldn’t go to the wedding without your husband?

The OP was looking forward to spending some rare time with her DH, as originally planned. I swear some people on here don’t like spending time with their OHs.

Sorry but your parents are being really shitty.