To not want to send my just 14 year old DD on a plane alone

[Crestofawave2]

My DM is going to Spain this autumn for 2 months. She has done this a few times and usually I have gone over alone to visit for a few days or have brought my DC.

This year we have had lots of trips (Covid backlog) and with the DC have been on a 4 night city break with DM and the grandchildren (I paid)

I can’t go to Spain this year as I am short on holidays and have a couple of weddings etc towards the end of the year that require holidays and money.

DM is adamant that I send my DC alone on a flight over to see her. DS is 10 so it’s not even an option as they wouldn’t take him and DD is 14 but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable sending her through an airport alone.
DM is fuming - I am ruining her break, ruining it for DC etc.

She is a very dedicated granny and the DC love her so AIBU for not allowing my DC to travel?

I am disabled, assistance pre booked hasn’t always turned up in the past, also accompanied minor service is not available for OP child. And isn’t always fautless, only read an article yesterday, about a child that was lost in Miami Airport, when supposed to be custody of the airline. Things go wrong, some 14 years old are confident and would speak up, others aren’t.

At 14 I'd have had no issues with one of my dc doing this but I think it all comes down to the individual child. If she wants to go I'd let her.

You know that a significant number of girls and women are sexually assaulted on flights each year?

Do you know how many girls are harrassed and assaulted on the way to school or at school every year? Or how many teenagers are involved in RTAs? The probability of something like that happening in their daily lives is much more likely than on a short haul flight to Europe.

We use the unaccompanied minor service and book my DD in business class when she flies alone 2 hours to see her family abroad. She’s been doing it since she was 10 and like a PP loves it.

At that age I flew to France alone for a French exchange.

What are you worried will happen? Surely she gets herself to and from school alone each day, meets friends out and about without grownups etc?

An airport is generally quite a safe place, masses of security and airlines are usually quite good in terms of having processes in place for unaccompanied minors flying.

I'm afraid lots of airlines these days do not have a formal Unaccompanied Minors (UM) system, i.e. the sort of set up where the travellers get chaperoned through the airport and formally handed over to cabin crew on boarding, and then chaperoned again by ground staff on arrival.

BA has been mentioned a few times in this thread- bad news is they dropped their UM service several years ago....(generally considered a short sighted move)...and AFAIK it has never been re-instated. Their website section on young travellers waffles on about "young flyers" flying alone and the need to book their flights by phone but eventually does point out:

" If a young flyer is travelling on their own, please be aware that they will be booked to travel as an adult, and therefore will be making their way through departure and arrival airports and boarding their flight(s) without a chaperone. British Airways cannot accept parental responsibility for the young person. We recommend that the parent or guardian accompanying the young flyer to the airport waits until their flight departs before leaving the terminal."

www.britishairways.com/en-fr/information/travel-assistance/children-travelling-alone

That said from a practical POV I'd agree with many upthread - many 14 year olds can manage to fly alone OK even via big busy airports if they are briefed properly and have a mobile telephone as a fall back.

Surely it depends on the child. Mine did travel alone to France alone at 12.

Normally I would probably allow this, but with the chaos and cancellations at airports at the moment, I would want to wait until everything has settled down before committing.

At 14 I used to travel back and fourth for boarding school alone, relatively long haul, and my journey had a connection. It was perfectly fine and would probably be good for her independence.

Then again, I agree your DM has no right to be fuming and it is totally up to you and your daughter.

I would let a 14 year old fly alone. I did it at 15.
However I wouldn't let your daughter go because it excludes your son.

I have 2 adult sons, at that age neither would have been able to fly alone despite flying regularly with us, they just didn’t take things in or listen to announcements. I wouldn’t dream of letting one go without the other, in the holidays they did most things together.

Not such a loving and dedicated granny that she can't put her DC[14]'s concerns about travelling alone first. Your child, your wishes and you know your own child best. Yes, she does need to be gently encouraged and shepherded to independence, but putting her alone on a flight to Spain as a the first step is a bit like pushing a toddler in the deep end of a pool because that's how they learn to swim. A very selfish Granny.

Umm...if that's the plan just be ready for questions to be asked as to why, at the end of seeing the young traveller off on their flight, you are attempting to go back landside from airside.

People do fail to board for reasons various and often end up being escorted back to landside, but trying to do so of your own volition, unescorted, might raise eyebrows - it certainly would at some airports.

Honestly I’d do it. I’d imagine she will be thrilled with herself once she’s managed it and get a great boost in confidence.

My dad worked abroad a lot and if he was in say Zurich, he’d often have two of us fly out to meet him for a long weekend skiing, while my stepmum (hated skiing) would stay at home with the others.I remember once being about 14 and my brother 10, our flight was delayed for six hours and we had a whale of a time buying sweets and wandering around departures.

These kind of experiences are great for young people, encouraging them to think for themselves, communicate with officials and solve problems.

Just send her with a spare phone battery and plenty of money in her account!

My children have been flying solo from 12. They love it, makes them really independent. You are way overthinking this. You go with her to the airport as far as you can, she’ll then have to do three things, passport control, baggage security, board. Each step the staff are well used to seeing minors.

Check in a bag so she has no toiletries/hassle at security. Sign a permission document, not required but it helps. On arrival your mum is there. The airport police where I live twice arrived out with my child to arrivals to see I was collecting them. Which was really sweet of them, they were thinking about child trafficking! But they didn’t say that.

By the way Iberia will take 10 year olds, so that is what I would do so both children can go. You’ve to pay extra for the mandatory accompaniment. Age 5 to 11. From age 12 can also get it, but it’s really not necessary for a 14 year old.

I would let a 14 year old, who wanted to do it. However, your mother's demands and emotional blackmail are unreasonable. She sounds spoilt and controlling. If you aren't happy, or your DD,, DM needs to get over it.

YANBU, I wouldn’t be happy to do this, she would still have to do quite a lot on her own.
Your mum can see her at plenty of other times throughout the year, she’s choosing to go on holiday but doesn’t mean your DD needs to go. Its also not fair on your DS.
If she did end up going is there a friend she could travel with/ take with her?

Mine phone me to whinge about it. What do you think they do. They sit down and play on their phone. At the gate. The OP must stay at the airport until the flight has left, that’s what we do.

I also always book an aisle seat at the very back so they are close to the flight attendants. The children have often been given free food/drinks/sweets by the staff. When they were very young, 12, I told them to sit in departures near a family so they looked like they were with the family. So as not to draw attention to themselves.

This.

I flew alone at 15 and found it very exciting and I think a lot of 14 year olds would be able to cope….but that’s entirely beside the point. Your question is essentially are you being unreasonable for saying no to something you aren’t comfortable with when your mum is trying to guilt-trip you into changing your mind? The answer to that is no, you’re not.

You haven’t said if you ever agreed to this trip with your DM before - has she just assumed you/your DC would be going, or did you agree to it before but then realise this year would be tricky with leave? If the former, just say you’re sorry she’s upset about not having the children there but you’re not comfortable with your daughter flying without a parent and draw a line under it.

If you already agreed, then as above but with more apologies and offer a suggestion of a set date when you can spend quality time together in the UK.

You could, as others have said, ask your daughter if she’d like to go, but if you already know you’d feel really uncomfortable with it then this is more about politely but assertively saying no to your mum rather than whether your daughter will go or not.

Iberia do unaccompanied minor. My 11 year old flies unaccompanied e wet few weeks. He has his phone with find your phone activated and even if he wasn’t helped, I can watch him in the airport. Your daughter is 14! You are putting your own nerves onto her. Of course she’s capable and book business as another poster said if you can. It’s just like getting on a bus and you can talk to her on her phone the entire way right up to boarding. Stay at the airport until she’s taken off and well on the way. Don’t let your fear stop her. She is a young woman. Send both children if you can use Iberia.

I think the answer depends on the child. DS(17) flew as an unaccompanied minor at 7 and had an amazing time. At 14 he would have been happy, confident and capable of doing this.

DD1(15) would not be happy, she would hate it. DD2(11) would probably be happy doing it now, and I’m pretty sure by 14 she would take it in her stride. I would allow the two girls together now, as DD2 is a lot more confident and would walk up to people to ask for help.

you know your child best

In the last 10 years this has not happened to my children. Nor me ever. Yes of course it happens, but it’s not confined to flying.

I would let mine, if they wanted to. For some reason this question has been ignored many many times.

Wouldnt your son feel horribly left out?