Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Sweatinglikeabitch · 09/07/2022 16:17

MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show.
MIL has said older child must be there (was close to FIL and child does want to go).

She's not being fair. Yes her husband has died, but she's acting like she's the only person grieving. I feel like she doesn't want the baby to steal attention off her.
She's insisting a young child be sat alone at their grandfather's funeral. We took our baby to a funeral. I didn't realise it was a problem. We sat at the back, he was quiet, he made people smile afterwards.

ChristinaXYZ · 09/07/2022 16:17

You MIL might get the final say about a baby at her husband's funeral but not about your 11 year old. She has no right to say 'must go'. That is outrageous - to put you in the position of not going and then demand you let your child go through something traumatic alone. Unless, as I said above, there is a relative of DH who the child knows well and you trust for 11 yo to sit with... and even then, at 11 I'd have wanted my mum.

I thoroughly understand about not getting a baby sitter, I'd have had trouble and in fact did take my baby to a funeral (grandparent - with my parent and uncle's blessing) as everyone who might have minded the baby was at the funeral.

It is a horrible situation. I am really sorry OP.

Mariposista · 09/07/2022 16:18

A funeral os no place for a baby or young child who is too young to keep quiet and still. And she is right - a cute baby attracts attention. The attendees will be cooing all over it and smiling while she is grieving - unfair.

Augend23 · 09/07/2022 16:19

This is a really difficult situation because everyone's wishes conflict.

I know your friends haven't babysat before but I can tell you I would be very happy to rearrange my day to babysit outside the crematorium for any one of my friends. I'm not terribly clued up on babies, and it would make me nervous but I would do it anyway if it would help you at a difficult time. It's not certain but your friends may feel the same way - that way you can attend with your 11 year old but your DH isn't away from baby for long. It feels like the most sensible compromise to me.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/07/2022 16:19

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:15

I think you'll find it does.

It would never happen, but my DC will never get to override any wishes my DH or I will have over each other's funeral

Show quote history

It does. The widow/er is the chief mourner because the are the person’s life partner.

Adult Children have their own partners or lives. Their daily existence isn’t being turned upside down in the same way as the widow/er.

antelopevalley · 09/07/2022 16:20

I agree about MIL may not want a distraction during the funeral. The funeral is very important to many people and the last thing they want is to be distracted from it.
OP I think from the comments your MIL has made, she thinks when the baby is around everyone gives the baby attention and ignores her. And she does not want that to happen at the funeral. Do you and DP pretty much ignore her when you are with her and the baby? You may think you don't, but I think it is a pretty common dynamic with a new baby. All everyone talks about is the baby.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:20

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:56

I don’t have siblings and my parents died a few years ago, I do have friends but no one has babysat baby for us before, to be honest I’ve not needed it!
I guess I could look online for a babysitter but I'm not sure I’m too happy to do that at such short notice? The funeral is 9.30am!

There’s really mixed comments, and that’s how I feel, really mixed on it… I want to support DH obviously but equally I can’t imagine my grief if I were to lose him so I do understand how MIL must be suffering terribly.

MIL has said older child must be there (was close to FIL and child does want to go).

If you were my friend I would happily have the baby for you for a few hours.

And then you can take them to the wake.

StrawBeretMoose · 09/07/2022 16:20

DH's wishes are just as valid as his mother's, he's lost his father.
I'd support my DH to do whatever he wanted to do.

It's not inappropriate to bring a family baby to a funeral of their own grandparent. Even if another grandparent is saying it is. She has lost her husband but any children of the marriage have lost their father. People saying why is the DH making it harder, I'd ask why his mother is making it harder for him.

I'd also check that the 11 year old does want to go, and is comfortable with what to do if you do need to nip outside with the baby.

antelopevalley · 09/07/2022 16:21

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/07/2022 16:19

It does. The widow/er is the chief mourner because the are the person’s life partner.

Adult Children have their own partners or lives. Their daily existence isn’t being turned upside down in the same way as the widow/er.

Show quote history

I agree. Losing a parent is very tough. But unless you were the carer for them, most of your daily life goes back to normal. It does not for the spouse or partner.

concernedguineapig · 09/07/2022 16:22

I agree MIL's view wins, however, either both DC go or they both stay home with you OP.

Her comment re 'stealing the show' tell you all you need to know.

I feel sorry for baby, older children is obviously her favourite. She sounds unkind.

hotcoldnotsold · 09/07/2022 16:22

diddl · 09/07/2022 16:14

You can tell a lot of MN don't understand how not everyone has access to last minute child care!

But a lot of us wouldn't have thought about taking a baby of that age so wouldn't be caught out looking for child care last minute.

Why not though? I'm catholic and have been to many funerals (tragically) and never has a baby not been welcomed or brought along, especially if children as young as 11 year old are invited. It's common sense if the baby starts crying, they can be taken out away from everyone, but to expect DH and wife to not want their children with them during a time of shared grief is really not the norm.

SimonaRazowska · 09/07/2022 16:23

i’d go with MILs wishes and find someone to look after the baby

whynotwhatknot · 09/07/2022 16:23

its funny i was told funerals ar epublic you cant stop anyone from going

that being said its a bit difficult if its the head mourner saying not to come wit the baby

can you bring someone to sit outside walk round with them till its over-did she mean the wake aswell

Goldbar · 09/07/2022 16:23

Mariposista · 09/07/2022 16:18

A funeral os no place for a baby or young child who is too young to keep quiet and still. And she is right - a cute baby attracts attention. The attendees will be cooing all over it and smiling while she is grieving - unfair.

Absolutely. She's facing a lifetime of loneliness and is not unreasonable to want the funeral to be about remembering her DH, not smiling over a baby. Parents can be oblivious to their young children taking centre-stage and a funeral really isn't the time.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:23

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 15:20

Grief has no hierarchy. You dont speak for everyone else. (Sorry about your dad though).

Show quote history

You really think (in the normal, average family) that a child grieves more for a parent than their spouse does?

antelopevalley · 09/07/2022 16:24

@hotcoldnotsold my question in this scenario, is who is looking after and supporting MIL. That may be her fear, that if the baby comes the answer is no one.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/07/2022 16:24

I feel sorry for your dh, she doesn't sound like much of a parent

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:24

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 15:22

I agree, and wonde if the sex of the children is a factor too?

Show quote history

I'd feel exactly the same.

Nothing to do with the sex of either the parents or the children

Trivester · 09/07/2022 16:24

I wouldn’t have sent either of mine to a funeral without me at 11 as they would have needed my support. Obviously children vary, and yours might be fine sitting alone, but I would have to disregard an edict to send an 11 year old to what is possibly his first major experience of grief without his dm.

Given what she has said, I don’t think you can bring the baby - unless your dh speaks to her and she retracts her embargo, but it’s not fair for him to put you in this position.

Ultimately I think if you have to choose between supporting your dh, and supporting an 11 year old, I’d choose the dc.

It’s an awful position to be in.

If you were my friend I’d happily step up to sit outside the church with your baby. Have you asked anyone?

diddl · 09/07/2022 16:26

Why not though? I'm catholic and have been to many funerals (tragically) and never has a baby not been welcomed or brought along, especially if children as young as 11 year old are invited. It's common sense if the baby starts crying, they can be taken out away from everyone, but to expect DH and wife to not want their children with them during a time of shared grief is really not the norm.

Well for me I'd rather not be trying to keep them quiet/stop them running off, plus I would rather concentrate on my spouse and the child who has voiced a wish to be there.

I'd also rather not risk having to leave a service that I "want" to be at.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:26

WITL · 09/07/2022 15:36

I’d stay home with both children and offer her you all come or just DH goes.

ffs 🤦‍♀️

babies in my experience are a positive thing at funerals

I think they're a positive thing at the wake.

HaveringWavering · 09/07/2022 16:26

hotcoldnotsold · 09/07/2022 16:07

You can tell a lot of MN don't understand how not everyone has access to last minute child care! There are people like OP who don't have family and it's not easy LAST MINUTE to ask friends to babysit either. Or to go online and find someone trusted and recommended, again so last minute. If OP had more than a few hours notice on a Sat to arrange childcare, I'm sure this wouldn't be a problem. It's the equivalent of telling guests the day before a wedding that baby is not allowed - it just makes things far more difficult than if more notice was given.

OP, I do think both children should stay with you at home if you can't find anyone to babysit. MIL is within her rights to ask you not to bring baby, but she has no say in whether your older child attends or not. You are the parent and if you aren't comfortable having DC alone and grieving as sole support to an upset dad, you are within your rights to keep them home. I attended a lot of funerals at 11 and if at least one parent hadn't been around me to hold my hand, I would have felt very alone. Seeing my dad weeping for the first time at a funeral was really difficult for me as I didn't know how to comfort him - luckily mum was there.

I do also think it's a shame DH has to be alone in his grief without his wife present but that's what his mother wants for him, so nothing you can do about it. Don't take the baby as your MIL will get upset and it will deviate from everyone paying their respects. I do hope you can find someone so last minute to baby sit though.

This is an exceptional situation. Last minute favours from friends for a couple of hours with a baby that is still in a buggy are entirely feasible. We’re not talking about last minute childcare of the type when nursery suddenly closes and you have to go to work.

hotcoldnotsold · 09/07/2022 16:26

antelopevalley · 09/07/2022 16:24

@hotcoldnotsold my question in this scenario, is who is looking after and supporting MIL. That may be her fear, that if the baby comes the answer is no one.

Her children would be supporting her - DH and siblings? Also who does she think would be supporting an 11 year old sat without his mum or dad?

antelopevalley · 09/07/2022 16:28

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:26

I think they're a positive thing at the wake.

Show quote history

I think it depends on how grief-stricken you are.
The pressure to smile and coo at a baby when you just want to wail can be very tough.

PresidentByeThen · 09/07/2022 16:28

There is a hierarchy to grief. Loss of loved ones is always hard but we're programmed from birth to 'know' that one day, we will lose our parents.

There is no biological programming when it comes to our life partners, and in a long relationship, a partner is exactly that. The person you wake up next to, and go to sleep alongside at night.