MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Or he's just in the right and it's got nothing to do with their relationship

Equally her desire to go against his wishes and ban her own grandchild. Is there a reason a mother would want to hurt her son who has just lost his dad?

Yes lovely if that is what your mum wanted, but irrelevant as it is not what this grieving widow wants at her dhs funeral. She has said, awkwardly, that she wants to say goodbye to her dh without a toddler disrupting the service and her thoughts at a very difficult time.

'Sake, people. Have you no idea of the effects of grief? Especially on a widow after decades of marriage. Her husband has been dead all of 2 weeks and she is supposed to act reasonable?????

She may have barely slept since he died. The memories of his last illness may be zinging through her brain in not so glorious technicolour each time she closes her eyes. And in that time she's had to cobble a funeral together, deal with more paperwork and officialdom than is bearable even in good times, and she's expected to worry about everyone else's feelings?

She may be so fragile and sleep deprived that the sound of a baby crying could push her right over the edge. Have some fucking mercy.

It is not the Op's choice to make.

It is down to mother and son. It can only be agreed by them.

Some of you seem to be enjoying kicking the Op for being caught between them.

Don't be so dramatic, I've known plenty of grieving people who don't behave like this

Steal the show is a strange expression to use in the circumstances but maybe she meant 'take over' as in 'be disruptive'? When my dad died, my mums wishes took priority. Because she was his wife, lived with him for 60 years and nursed him. She'd earned the right of the funeral being how she wanted it to be.

You can tell a lot of MN don't understand how not everyone has access to last minute child care! There are people like OP who don't have family and it's not easy LAST MINUTE to ask friends to babysit either. Or to go online and find someone trusted and recommended, again so last minute. If OP had more than a few hours notice on a Sat to arrange childcare, I'm sure this wouldn't be a problem. It's the equivalent of telling guests the day before a wedding that baby is not allowed - it just makes things far more difficult than if more notice was given.

OP, I do think both children should stay with you at home if you can't find anyone to babysit. MIL is within her rights to ask you not to bring baby, but she has no say in whether your older child attends or not. You are the parent and if you aren't comfortable having DC alone and grieving as sole support to an upset dad, you are within your rights to keep them home. I attended a lot of funerals at 11 and if at least one parent hadn't been around me to hold my hand, I would have felt very alone. Seeing my dad weeping for the first time at a funeral was really difficult for me as I didn't know how to comfort him - luckily mum was there.

I do also think it's a shame DH has to be alone in his grief without his wife present but that's what his mother wants for him, so nothing you can do about it. Don't take the baby as your MIL will get upset and it will deviate from everyone paying their respects. I do hope you can find someone so last minute to baby sit though.

I woukd never take a baby to a funeral, i am surprised you thought that was good option.

Book a babysitter on Bubble for 2 hours.

MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show.

Did your MIL really say those words? Or was that your interpretation of them? I cannot believe someone would say that about their grandchild, their own flesh and blood, and not least of all about a funeral, which is about as far from a "show" as you can get.

Your MIL should have the final say but perhaps DH could have a gentle word saying he's obviously like his wife with him to support him at his father's funeral and if baby stays away you have to as well. If she digs heels in over baby you've no choice really.

As to your 11 year old he will either need to stay at home with you (would that make MIL change her mind? does MIL want 11 year old there) or is there are another relative - aunt, cousin? - who your 11 year old knows well who she/he could sit with for the duration of the funeral? An 11 year old needs to be in the charge of someone who is not reading and can be there for the child if upset.

Seriously? It was MiL's husband. Her wishes (imo) take precedent.

And I agree with her.

Take the baby to the wake

Leave this in the hands of your dh , he needs to speak to his mum. Refuse to discuss this with her and leave it all to your dh.

If get DH to ask MIL if she thinks it’s appropriate that eldest children is sitting on their own with no parents as you won’t be there wi TV baby and Dh speaking.
can you ask a friend to come and hold or push the baby round in a pram or drive in circles if they like car rides, so it’ll just be the 45mins without you and you’ll be there for eldest child. I would absolutely do that for a friend if asked, however close.

I do think a good compromise would be a friend of OP's/DH's helping to support her by taking baby out for a little walk around during the service. Then OP can support her DH and DS, and her DH can support his mother. It might feel a bit cheeky to ask a friend this but I definitely would to help a friend (especially at this difficult time), why wouldn't you?

When FIL died, his partner and my DH collaborated to arrange the funeral. DH was NoK but FIL's partner had been with him for over twenty years, so her wishes were very important. It seems to me that DH, DS and I were what FIL got, but his partner was who he chose. They weren't married but were as close as if they were. It was fortunate that she and DH always got on well and could support each other in their awful grief. It's better if it can be this way rather than thinking X will be more heartbroken than Y. All the bereaved are grieving.

With this MIL the waters are slightly muddied by her odd attitude to her GC, but now isn't the time for this to be addressed. She's a bereaved widow, so it would be best if her wishes can be met and all people involved supported appropriately. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope you can find a solution everyone is okay with.

Just ask one of your friends to have the baby. How long is the funeral service? And hour, max? A friend can manage a baby for that long whether or not they have babysat for you before. Then you collect it and take it to the wake with you afterwards if friend cannot manage.
A funeral is not the place for a baby. They will make noise, which as your MIL maybe worded poorly, will steal the show = distract everyone.

Maybe MIL doesn't want to be distracted but just wants to remember her DH's life in peace and have a chance to grieve quietly with loved ones. She has many lonely days and months ahead... remembering the funeral may bring her comfort during them, as it did to my grandmother. Young children at funerals may be appropriate in certain circumstances, but it's very arrogant to think that they are always a welcome distraction or a happy symbol that life goes on. Sometimes they're just in the way, making noise and demanding attention at the wrong time.

No it isn't.

The 'chief mourner' if we must use that expression, is the spouse not the child of the deceased.

So, sorry, the OP's husband should follow his mother's wishes.

And surely the 11 year-old can sit with his DGM or other family while his dad's doing the readings?

I think DH needs to speak to her, explain either you all go or only he can go. It's too late notice to arrange suitable childcare and 11-year-old is too young to be left alone for most of the funeral.

You can tell a lot of MN don't understand how not everyone has access to last minute child care!

But a lot of us wouldn't have thought about taking a baby of that age so wouldn't be caught out looking for child care last minute.

Also I assume not wanting baby at the funeral, means not wanting baby at the wake or after service either? In which case suggestions to get babysitter for an hour only or take baby to wake later do not work.

I think you'll find it does.

It would never happen, but my DC will never get to override any wishes my DH or I will have over each other's funeral

Taking a baby to a funeral isn’t usual, and your MIL, the chief mourner, has asked you not to.

Can you not sort a babysitter out? If not, can one of your husband’s siblings keep an eye of your 11 year old so you can stay home. If neither of those is possible, then go, explain to MIL You didn’t have a choice as you have to be there for 11 year old, but sit at the back so you can take the baby out if necs.

I understand why you did but to be honest you got away with it as the baby didn't cause a disturbance.
I've been to more than one where the baby distracted long before they got taken out.