MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

My DS went to MIL's funeral ( 2 years older than OP's son) - DH gave a Eulogy - DS was sitting up front and could clearly see his father and was sitting with relatives for 10 minute whilst DH spoke . I don't think it is both children or none. I do agree it is for DH to tell his mother he would prefer his whole family to go - but on this one occasion if MIL says not the baby as OP I would go but be the one wheeling baby around outside, if no one else available. Perhaps if a relative you get on with is you could share the wheeling around so both get to see some of the service . Otherwise DH really needs to see how strongly MIL feels about this . I do think if she is adamant after a reasonable discussion she does not want the baby there I would not take Baby - this could lead to discord down the line .

In all this, it’s the BABY you feel sorry for? Give your head a wobble!

@HaveringWavering

Erm and what if friends aren't available or away or dont know anything about children? Christ, not everyone has friends just sat at home without plans, or even feel comfortable with a baby. Especially if it's a circle without children - chances are they aren't just sat at home on a Sunday and may be away.

@hotcoldnotsold That is the point. From what MIL says I do not think they would be. OP and DP would be busy with the 11 year old and the baby. OP is clear she is going there to support DP and the 11 year old.
So who supports MIL.

I'm sorry but steal the show? It's a funeral ffs!

my mother took me to a relatives funeral when I was a baby. Apparently it cheered everyone up but never described as stealing the show or anything daft but ultimately I guess it's up to your mil being the spouse but I can understand why you are annoyed!

Is there someone the 11 year old can sit with while your DH does the readings ? If so then I'd let them go and you stay home with the baby. If not then your DH goes alone
I agree mil is chief mourner but I'd be very unhappy not to be able to support my DH at such a time - losing a parent is very hard as you clearly know
Think this is a really tricky position to be in and I'm not sure I could forgive mil denying DH my support because she doesn't want her younger grandchild there. She must know you'll struggle to get childcare - so is she really saying she doesn't want you there ? You have my sympathies

She hasn’t asked any though, has she? So all your “what if” ing is just speculation. She has an 11 year old son. What’s the betting she knows quite a lot of school mums?

Eldest and dh go, you and baby don't.

I lost my dad a few years ago. I felt my mum's feelings trumped mine because although I adored my dad, I'd grown up and moved on. She had this huge gulf in her life.

Moving forward, I'd consider how she reacts. Certainly in the immediate aftermath my mum preferred my eldest who knew my dad (and who my dad adored) over my new born who arrived shortly after his death. However time balanced it out.

I'm with MIL on this one, I wouldn't want a baby visiting my terminally ill husband, they can be noisy and disruptive and FIL probably needed peace and quiet.

As for the funeral, a lot of planning and preparation will have gone into it, she will want people to hear his eulogy without a baby disrupting things, and I'm sure that that is what she means by steal the show.

Her mind will be focused on her loss, she won't be thinking how not inviting the baby will affect you, because the centre of her universe has just died. Your baby is the centre of your universe, but not everybody elses. There is a saying of walking a mile in another man's shoes to truly understand them, and I think that if you were in her situation you'd be viewing things differently. Please just act with compassion towards her, you may be in a similar boat one day.

Still her son? He can get support from his wife and also offer it to his mother? I mean she wants the 11 year old there so clearly she is ok with the fact DH will be supporting his child and not only her?? If she was that bothered about being alone she wouldn't invite an 11 year old surely??

I hate the cheered everyone-up sentiment and find it incredibly crass and offensive.
I did not need "cheering up" at my parent's funerals. I needed to grieve. A funeral is not a fun party where you want everyone to cheer up.
If someone had said that sentiment to me at my parents funerals I would have been very angry with them.

@hotcoldnotsold MIL is saying if the baby is there, all the attention will be on the baby. So no it sounds like MIL does not trust that her son will support her if the baby is there.

Thinking about it I would stay home with both children. Your son will need his full parents attention. Not an aunt to hold his hand. He really needs support, he's a child, he doesn't have the emotional regulation of an adult, like your DH or MIL. Its not fair to send him with his dad. And I wouldn't want MIL getting angry at the funeral. So just stay home. I don't think she's being fair but you can't really win.

Part of me is thinking though, could be way off but is there a chance they lost a baby together? Could that be why she's so against the baby now she's alone, without her husband, in that grief too? It just feels strange. Or is it just that the baby isn't "giving" anything to her.

@HaveringWavering you're making a lot of assumptions about who she knows, how close she is to them, and what child care is available. I'm basing it on what she has said - which is it is difficult to find child care last minute. It's a stressful situation for her and DH during what is also a time of grief for him. If she can get someone, great! If she can't, there's not much time to come up with any alternatives.

The steal the show and too much attention comments makes it sound like she (and your late FIL) feel that the older child is being emotionally neglected/has been usurped, I'm not saying they have but I'm guessing this is why there is negativity. I think at 11 a child has the right to say if they want to attend and if MIL is so keen to have them there then surely they can sit with her. She's being unreasonable, but grief can do this to a person and I'd stay home with the baby.

I hate the cheered everyone-up sentiment and find it incredibly crass and offensive.
I did not need "cheering up" at my parent's funerals. I needed to grieve. A funeral is not a fun party where you want everyone to cheer up.
If someone had said that sentiment to me at my parents funerals I would have been very angry with them.
Couldn't agree more.

I think you should do this.

I don’t personally think there is any problem with babies at funerals and the reminder of life going on after death is usually appreciated/a welcome distraction if it’s the funeral of an older person who died naturally.

That said, I think you should follow MILs withes on this but don’t pander to her nonsense of trying to favour one child over the other.

You stay home with both children. If there is a burial/wake could you take both children to that after the service?

I took my 5 1/2 month old to my grans funeral. Was pretty paranoid and would have gone out or to back if she had cried. Lots of comments about how good she was after. Had spent most of the service boobing her at the front but no one noticed.

You can’t spoil a baby and I would try and shutdown the favouritism as much as possible.

It is a bit odd your MIL is worried a baby will distract from her/the funeral but everyone grieves in their own way.

I took my then 4 mnth old DS to my DF’s funeral. I was BF at the time and it was 200 miles from home. All the family were there so no one to look after DS.
My step mother was apoplectic because as the grieving widow she thought it inappropriate ( despite being Irish where everyone turns out for a funeral).
DS was well behaved and when he did get a bit noisy ( no crying but liked to gurgle away at any opportunity) DH sat with him in a side room where he could hear the ceremony.
DS is the image of my father both physically and in personality, I’m not a spiritual person but it was almost like dads soul passed to my son as they wheeled the coffin in. He’d been very quiet up until then but was the noisiest ( laughing and gurgling) I’d heard him after that point. My dad would have loved it.

@antelopevalley huh??? What are you on about? If the 11 year old that she has invited attends, will her son not need to look after them too?? They're BOTH children who need their father's care. If she was worried son would not support because his kids are there, would she not have said NO CHILDREN- rather than just an 11 year old.

I think it's a valid statement.

My auntie (well, my auntie's long term partner) died a few years ago and she had a signature whistle. At one point in the proceedings, my auntie did the signature whistle to get my attention. It made us all laugh. My friend also lost her husband very suddenly and as there was a long running joke about him always stealing his sister's sandwiches as a child, the sister ate a cheese sandwich during the eulogy with the joke of 'this one's mine'. Again, people laughed. Funerals are a celebration of life. I understand they're a distressing event but ultimately they're a tribute to the person. If the man's grandchild is there and people smile at him, they are in no way 'not grieving' or 'stealing the show'.

I think having kids at a funeral is a lovely thing, and I'd be happy to have the attention taken off me

I agree. Mourners do not need to be 'cheered up' or distracted from their grief at a funeral and parents are not performing some sort of public service by bringing their children.

@hotcoldnotsold she has clearly said before that the attention all goes to the baby. I have no idea if that is true or not, but that is what she is saying.

It's also DH's dad. Why is her grief more important than his?

Having lost a parent, I can sympathise with where you are coming from but that is not the scenario here.

The DH who had lost his parent would probably feel more comfortable having his whole family around him but that is coming into conflict with the wishes of his mother.