MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Presumably there will be lots of people there that DS knows? Can’t you ask if DS can sit next to one of them in case he gets upset or needs a handhold?

Other people may have different beliefs and values than you 🤨

The Op's husband wants the baby there.

It needs to be settled between mother & son.

The Op should just do whatever they agree on.

Relationships between children and parents are stronger than spouses, sorry. People divorce every day and get over it but not having a parent in some capacity is a lifelong trauma for most.

Nonsense. You sound like one of those awful overbearing MILs who can’t accept that their son needs his wife more than he needs Mummy. It’s not about the “strength” or validity of the relationship. It is about the impact of the death on the person’s daily life.

And the “oh well she’d expect her husband to die first because women live longer than men”- statistically more children outlive their parents than wives outlive their husbands.

What a horribly selfish post. !

This is NOT top trumps of grief .
A woman who has lost a long loved spouse who she has shared a life and home with for decades absolutely DOES get to call the shots a her husbands funeral.
The son (OPs DH) has his wife and family for support. The widow is returning to her home - alone with her grief and does not have someone there to comfort her.

If the DH were still a child /youth who had lost a father who he still shared a home with then the loss is probably more acute and allowances made - but when adult children lose a parent their primary concern should be to make the funeral as easy for the widow as humanely possible.

I have NEVER even to a funeral where anyone thought it appropriate to take a baby. So strange that MN believe that child free weddings are entirely OK as the bride would not like the distraction - at a happy and joyous occasion - yet a ceremony which is sombre and dedicated to the memory of the dead person is perfectly acceptable to have interrupted and the widow is some selfish witch for suggesting such a thing.

Can't imagine why you would think this ok. Unless your upbringing taught you that your wishes trump others at all costs. ?

You need to find a babysitter for an hour. Despite MN hysteria baby will not be psychologically disturbed by being shushed and cooed over by a friend for an hour whILE OP does her job in this scenario- of supporting older son and DH - who unlike baby actually knew and lived your late fIl.

That doesn't make it not crap, I'm afraid...

could you ask a friend to wait in the car outside with the baby?
but if you went and baby kicked off you’d have to leave you dc on there own in the funeral anyway, surely your dc will be sat with other family members so wouldn’t be sat my themselves

is there a missing drip feed about why your mil and dh don’t get on ?

Doesn't seem strictly true though - the OP has friends she hasn't asked to babysit.

Agree with all this.

I’d say to her that whilst you would normally honour her wishes as fully as possible, at this late stage it isn’t possible to honour her wish for one child and not the other, so either all four of you go, or just your DH goes.

It’s crap.

The circles of grief theory is very well known.

We've had quite a few funerals recently for close family members. Personally I would stay with the baby and let your husband attend the service or find a babysitter for an hour. Which you do depends on whether your husband would need support. Then all of you attend the wake.

I looked after my grandchildren during my mil's funeral, so that her blood relatives (my daughter) could attend. We all went to the wake. I'm assuming your mil would not class that as "stealing the show".

If mil is banning the baby then 11 year old doesn't go either. It's grossly unfair on him to expect his attendance if he has no support during the service. Hopefully this is grief talking and mil is usually a more reasonable person.

I wouldn’t take the baby. Either you stay at home or and a family member or friend to watch the baby for 1hr

Yes. Saying “not possible” at this stage is more like saying “I’m not willing to try”.

Agree with the "lost the plot bit but TBH I'd follow MiL's wishes - though I'd resent it.

Are the children different sexes? You say they preferred older child - is this just because they were the first grandchild, or are they the preferred sex?

You don't believe it based on the great wealth of knowledge you have about this elderly grieving widow.

Honestly, a lot of the comments on here are quite despicable.

taking a grandchild to the funeral of their grandparent is probably the greatest example of the continuity of the person who has died through those they leave behind.
I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation

Our youngest was a similar age at my Dad’s funeral. She stayed with me in a front baby carrier during the service, even when I did a reading with my sibling. It was lovely.

I have frequently conducted funerals, and although it isn't common for babies to be present, it has happened on a few occasions.
It has never been a problem. If a baby cries, the mam takes her/him out if necessary.

Personally i` think the MiL is being unreasonable, but it is her husband and her choice.

Possibly the relationship between the son and the mother is not that great anyway. That would make his desire to go against her wishes for the funeral less surprising.

Hmm I took my 9 month old to OH's uncles funeral and sat at the back. Family members didn't realise we were even there till the service had finished and we went to the front of the church to speak to them. She was good as gold, not a peep, wide awake during the whole thing and I was able to sit and comfort OH. It was also a welcome distraction at the wake for all the aunty's to coo over her as they'd not been able to meet her prior and she never got to meet OH's uncle.
I don't really get the stealing thunder comment no one's going to forget why they are there, sounds like an excuse to me tbh.
Go and support your family unit ❤️

I think it's silly to take a baby to a funeral. Sorry.

@Daisycrown I assume you hadn't been explicitly told not to bring your baby though? So not the same situation at all.

OP, I imagine by "steal the show" she meant "make a racket". I'd get childcare if at all possible or else go along with DH, wait outside with the baby and join everyone afterwards. I think deliberately going against your MIL's expressed wishes would be the wrong thing to do.

But why does that matter? Is there a sliding scale? A tick box exercise?

It's just such a ridiculous viewpoint.

Even IF, and it's an IF, Mil is more 'grieving' it still doesn't give her the right to dictate.