MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

I can see why the expression "stealing the show" has caused the controversy it had. I'd be interested to know if she used that actual expression.

Indeed! Somehow I don't think so.

@EmilyBolton

oh dear

it really is beyond you isn’t it ?

Would be good if OP could confirm! It's the crux of the entire debate.

It's not Victorian, or about the seen/heard thing, or at least in my view it isn't. It's about umpteen practicalities that have already been mentioned on this thread.

If issues between mother and the law baby persist in time then address them.

but do not hold it against her right now. The woman is grieving, her whole life is turned upside down in a way no one else’s is including DH.

HAVE SOME COMPASSION!

NEWSFLASH - it’s not just just babies and kids that are worthy of compassion, it’s everyone. Yes even women who are past child bearing age!! Who’d have thought!!

Would be good if OP could confirm! It's the crux of the entire debate.

The funeral is today. I imagine she has other things on her mind than re-entering this discussion, which has actually degenerated into some measure of unpleasantness toward her and her MIL.

An update-
Funeral was pleasant enough, my 11 year old was an absolute star and held MIL’s hand. I’m so proud of the boy he is.
DH was also brilliant. I am so pleased I was there to support them both. (DH has a brother but he lives overseas and couldn’t get back in such short notice).

However, MIL has definitely showed her true colours today. Many of their friends commented why baby wasn’t there and MIL had actually invited the golf club receptionists baby who is 9 months old to the wake.

It appears it is quite well known that MIL is not a fan of DD because she is a girl! (And her friend told me she was shocked that I had a baby at my age-I’m 38!)

FIL was only ill for 3 weeks so MIL hasn’t spent her past few months caring for him at all. I quoted her exact words as previous posters have asked. She isn’t on medication (that I know) but perhaps she should be?

I’m torn between aghast and totally over it all to be honest. At least, we as a family of 4, can support one another. We will always support her should she need it but I shall remember this.

Thanks for all the comments, and for some great advice. Some posters sound like they’d get on well with MIL though!!

@KristinaYang

“At least, we as a family of 4, can support one another.“

sounding a big smug there op

I’m glad the day wasn’t too awful OP.

Shocking that she invited the receptionist’s baby while categorically prohibiting her own granddaughter’s attendance though.

Oh do give over.

Glad the day went OK, OP.

No she isn’t, don’t be so ridiculous.

Well done for getting through it and finding a way to honour her wishes OP, but I would also find her behaviour hard to move past.

Hope your DH and DS are ok. 💐

OP, reading your update I have a lot less sympathy for your MIL than I did earlier! It sounds as though there's more than grief driving this, and that's not OK. Glad you were able to find a work-around and support your DH though.

. (DH has a brother but he lives overseas and couldn’t get back in such short notice).

I'm glad it went well OP.
But why did they have the funeral at such short notice that a son couldn't be there?
Is there a particular religious or cultural reason it had to be held before family could get there?

sounding a big smug there op

Not smug at all. Very understandable under the circumstances to close ranks to a certain extent when one's child has obviously been marginalized, and possibly because she is female.

(DH has a brother but he lives overseas and couldn’t get back in such short notice)
Seriously??

Mil may possibly remarry. Her dh won't get another df...

Why don't you all go, but invite a friend of yours to come to the funeral with you (no family connection to FIL and MIL) who can take the baby out of the funeral if he becomes too noisy distracting. Then if there's any post=funeral meal/wake/tea and biscuits, DH stays to support his Mum but you and your friend take both children home/away.

What a downright weird thought process.

Funerals are usually held within one to two weeks of the death and that can be short notice if you live overseas.

Really? For a parent who was ill?
I'm in Scotland where funerals are usually within 1 week and the children of the deceased can manage to get home. A friend even got home from Australia for his mother's funeral.

I wonder if there's a history here of MIL having a favourite?

Why on earth is this smug?!

*However, MIL has definitely showed her true colours today. Many of their friends commented why baby wasn’t there and MIL had actually invited the golf club receptionists baby who is 9 months old to the wake.

It appears it is quite well known that MIL is not a fan of DD because she is a girl! (And her friend told me she was shocked that I had a baby at my age-I’m 38!)*

Due to this I would absolutely have no contact with her or facilitate contact with DS. It would be down to Dh should he choose to do.
I would also be wary of her contact with DS and what misogynistic shite she would fill him with given her dislike of DD.