MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

If I could understand what you mean I’d answer you, but I have no idea what you’re referring to.

I feel like there's a difference between not taking your baby because they're loud and difficult & leaving them at home is easier, versus being told that one grandchild can't come because they have "nothing in common" and they don't want them to "steal the show". I know grief strikes people in different ways, but this is bizarre to me. Your 11yo will have lots of family around while your DH does readings, I assume. If it helps I'd been to five funerals by the time was 11; one with an open casket. I wasn't traumatised but has led me to being more open with death.

Glad you worked it out, though :)

I'm glad you've found someone to help.
Your mil is going to alienate her son unless she adjusts her attitude and tries to build a 'connection' to the baby. There is only so long that he will tolerate an obvious disparity in how his two children are treated by their gran. I can understand her not necessarily wanting the baby present during the service but to ban them from the wake is horrible behaviour.

I think you have handled it beautifully OP.

You are clearly a lovely person.

I’m glad you’ve sorted it.
Fair enough if your MIL didn’t want the baby there because they might cry/ disrupt the service but I think she’s being really unreasonable saying she has nothing in common with the baby, it’s very strange. It could be grief but the fact she was like that when FIL was still alive says otherwise.

Both children stay at home - away from funeral.

She can't have it all her way, but fair enough on the day of this gravity to respect her wishes.

Just say neither child will attend in this case.

Might be too upsetting for the 11 year old anyway.

I can imagine. My first was my Granny’s when I was 15. The coffin was closed but I genuinely had no idea it would be at the front of the church. Nobody told me anything about how it would go. I think I had just thought the minister would talk about her and we’d sing hymns. I was very very shocked and upset.

why is it MIL that is calling the shots- it may be her DH but it was your DH's dad. I would go with what your DH wants
We took our DD to MIL funeral she was 9 months - certainly did not steal the show but actually was a positive addition to a difficult time

Good update OP, glad your neighbours have agreed to help. Will your DS get to go to the golf club at all? (Presumably he’s also a member due to playing there with FIL and there will be golf friends there who know him and will want to talk to him about his Grandad).

I know that people say seemingly terrible things at times of immense grief and I would suggest that this is one of them. TBH @KristinaYang you are not giving your DH the time that HE needs for grieving. He needs his own space and not to be worrying about a potentially crying baby. Find someone to even wait outside with the baby.

OP I think you've been very kind and accommodating, and she is grieving.
But her attitude to your baby is very odd indeed, if it doesn't resolve itself down the line I can see this causing issues.

Perhaps that's a product of picking up on attitudes like yours to towards funerals? The vast majority of parents are capable of making a decision regarding whether their own children should attend or not.

I've been to loads of funerals as a child, as have my children, my siblings, cousins, friends. None of us were traumatised. Frequently sad and upset but not traumatised.

Are you really this sheltered and obtuse you cannot understand that some things are simply inappropriate for some children

I'm not the one arguing from an absolute position. You are insisting funerals are not appropriate for children. That is an obtuse position. In many cultures it is the norm to have children there. I have very fond memories of some family funerals as a child. It was a way to say goodbye within a supportive environment. That doesn't mean I think everyone should bring their children to every funeral or that all funerals should include children. It just means I think your blanket assertion that funerals are always inappropriate for children is wrong.

Your refusal to recognise that there is more than one way to do things is utterly bizarre.

Anyway, there's no point in talking to you as you are incapable of seeing beyond your own viewpoint.

Apologies - I missed the update.

This isn’t about your baby, or even you. It’s about someone who has lost their husband and father. Funerals are so hard to organise when you’re dealing with grief too, and so I would just stay home with the baby, and I’m sure if you’re DH isn’t going to be always available to be at the side of your older dc, they’ll be other family members who will watch them. Maybe you can discuss your concerns with mil in the future, but this isn’t really the time to start trying to make a point.

I'm so glad your neighbours are happy to babysit
People are usually happy to help in a situation like this
We didn't know our neighbours particularly well at the time, but it worked well( as possibly could in a sad situation)

Hope the day goes well op. Seems like a good solution.

We attended a lot of funerals as DC.

Only one had an impact on me when I leaned on my Uncles coffin and tripped.

I was a very clumsy DC.

We really enjoyed the wake that went on for day's with your loved one laid out in the room, it was time for story telling, having a singsong, meeting relatives we hadn't seen since the previous deaths, collecting coins from great Uncles and Aunts.
😀

I didn't bring my youngest to my parents because it was during covid restrictions, Dad's wasn't as strict I brought the DC to the wake.

Not a traditional wake just the meeting of family and friends, a celebration of life.

Both came to the afters.

Death is a normal part of life.

Good update OP even the best babies can cause a disturbance.
Best of luck.

Sorry for your loss. In my experience a baby at a funeral is an absolute joy, and a reminder of the wonder of life in times of sadness. There is no show to steal. FIL was loved and will be mourned. DD is a precious little gift that will be doted on will ease what is often a tense situation. When meeting family and friends you don’t often see, it can be awkward. A baby will make it less so. I would follow DHs lead and take both children. I’ve heard of funerals where young children clapped after hymns much to the amusement of everyone around. Nobody loved or mourned the deceased any less because of it.

That's universal is it? Every single person grieving the loss of a spouse, partner, patent or child feels exactly the same? Even this MIL who has said very clearly that she doesn't want this, will feel like you if she is actively defied?

Do you have any concept at all of not everyone having the exact same feelings as you?

@LDN1

why?!

why can’t mother in law have it all her own way on one day? It is the funeral of the most important person in her life. Why can’t people fall in line with what she wants for one day?! It’s one day.

Honestly, it’s not all about kids!! Kids do not have to be present and take precedence in every single situation!!

mother in law and father in law should take precedence on that day

@KristinaYang ‘ She said she isn’t being mean, she just has no connection with baby, and doesn’t want the limelight to be taken from FIL’s day.‘

I think that your MiL is just being very honest with you. she does not mean to hurt you or DH. In the past few months when she might be bonding with baby, she has been watching he husband die of a serious illness, preparing to accept his death. Likely her feelings have been more of dread, fear, sadness & rage at what has happened - not much scope for bonding with a new baby when her strong visceral bond with her husband is being torn apart. As I mentioned before, her feelings about baby are not personal, the timing is just awful.

I was quite surprised by how indifferent my MiL was towards her 6th & 7th grandchild, particularly in comparison to the first few. I asked, & she said simply that she was that much older & tired, scant maternal hormones, she had passed the thrill of the cuddly baby years & now was enjoying her grandchildren far more now that they were greater individuals & better company. A newborn held little interest for her & facing serious illness brought her mortality closer as she knew that she’d not live long or well enough to enjoy them as they grew up. There was no animus towards the new babies, just a lack of interest. I appreciated her honesty & insight.

So @KristinaYang let’s be optimistic that MiL will come through the worst of her grief to find a connection with your baby as they grow up.

@UniversalAunt

great post

Read my post again. You've just repeated what I said.