MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

@LDN1

no, because I think the 11 year old should go

@Rosscameasdoody your post at 20:38 is beautifully written, gently poignant & to the very point.

My condolences for your loss even though it was a while ago.
Although time rolls on & we adapt to the changes that close loss brings, the furious storm of those earlier days are not forgotten.

I imagine that OP’s MiL is feeling much the same as you describe.

I’m so glad you’ve found a solution and have been able to find a way to go along with her wishes. Grief is so all consuming that I wouldn’t take anything that is said at the moment about your baby to heart. I hope the service goes well.

You'd no problem with the 11 y.o going before the baby got uninvited.

Don't stop her going, let her support her DGM and say goodbye to DGF.

IMO widow's wishes take priority. My nan didn't want children at DGDad's funeral, so my DH and DSis' partner stayed outside with the little ones. She loves her great grand kids, but didn't want the possibility of detracting attention away from her husband during the final time that it would be on him. The kids brought lots of joy to the wake afterwards.

saraclara · Today 22:00
Dadschat
Sorry for your loss. In my experience a baby at a funeral is an absolute joy, and a reminder of the wonder of life in times of sadness. There is no show to steal. FIL was loved and will be mourned. DD is a precious little gift that will be doted on will ease what is often a tense situation. When meeting family and friends you don’t often see, it can be awkward. A baby will make it less so. I would follow DHs lead and take both children. I’ve heard of funerals where young children clapped after hymns much to the amusement of everyone around. Nobody loved or mourned the deceased any less because of it.

That's universal is it? Every single person grieving the loss of a spouse, partner, patent or child feels exactly the same? Even this MIL who has said very clearly that she doesn't want this, will feel like you if she is actively defied?

Do you have any concept at all of not everyone having the exact same feelings as you?

I began by saying “In my experience.” In truth our own experiences are all any of us can really speak of with any degree of certainty. I do have concept of people not having the same feelings as me. The only reason I mentioned taking both children is that the OP mentioned that DH was intending to. I just agreed with his decision. @saraclara I’m sorry if I brought out the crazy in you. You seem very angry.

MILs wishes need to be respected. Your baby is 11m old. Babies do not belong at funerals.

"DD is a precious little gift that will be doted on will ease what is often a tense situation"

Whoever wrote this needs to put the vomit back in my mouth so I can throw up again.

DD is an 11m baby and at a funeral all anyone wants to do is have some peace and mourn, without the stress of a baby around.

For the same reasons babies are banned from a lot of weddings, people feel the same about funerals.

It's sorted.

@Dadschat this is what you said:

There is no show to steal. FIL was loved and will be mourned. DD is a precious little gift that will be doted on will ease what is often a tense situation.

You don't know that. Were already know that for the chief mourner, the baby's presence will NOT ease a tense situation. It will make it worse. So why are your experience and feelings relevant?

sorry if I brought out the crazy in you.
😂

Saraclara wrote : You don't know that. Were already know that for the chief mourner, the baby's presence will NOT ease a tense situation. It will make it worse. So why are your experience and feelings relevant?

@saraclara my experiences and feelings are no more or less relevant than anyone else’s. How do you KNOW the baby’s presence will not ease the tense situation for the chief mourner? Are you the MIL? If so sorry for your loss.

Yeah. It's not me that's crazy.

MIL had clearly said, on several occasions, that she does not want the baby there. How is the baby's parents ignoring that*, going to lessen her tension?

*fortunately they've taken the considerate decision though.

I think you’ve come to a good compromise. A funeral isn’t the place to sort out a family problem ( and I do think your MIL has a problem ) but grief is odd, I’m sure I behaved weirdly after my DH died.
I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can and in time your MIL is kinder about your baby.

The woman has just lost her husband FFS

MIL wishes should trump everyone else's. She's just lost her husband, she takes priority and should be supported at this time.

Funerals are not places for babies and young children anyway.

Let MIL have the day to send off her husband as she wishes to. There will be plenty of other occasions to take your baby to.

For goodness sake
OP is not at fault here.

Sad as that is, nor relevant.

And it is clear in the OP this behaviour came before then.

I hope that you are able to work with MIL to create a better bond with your baby in the future.
Agree that this isn't the time to be discussing it, although there are definitely some odd opinions from your MIL surrounding your children.
I hope the funeral goes as well as it can, and that your DH is also ok.

@beautyisthefaceisee

of course it’s relavent!

she doesn’t want baby potentially disrupting her husbands funeral!

babies do not need to be centre of the earth at all times on all occasions you know

It's a bit creepy how many posters have declared that their toddlers have "delighted" other mourners at funerals, and "cheered the whole place up".
How self absorbed can you bloody well get to imagine this is how everyone else perceived your showing up with your kids in tow?!

Another personal attack. Any chance you could stop doing this on every thread you come across me on?

I agree with this post 100%. Your perception that your MIL prefers your older child may just be to do with the fact that the baby's arrived coincided with your FIL's illness, and her obvious anxiety about him being disturbed during that time (babies are loud, demanding and unpredictable - no matter who they are, and how much they are loved). I personally don't feel there is any place for a baby / toddler at a funeral.
This is not the time and place to be making a stand. Don't let this cause a huge row on the day that should be about celebrating your FIL's life. Sort out the issues at a later date.

Sorry - my comment was supposed to be attached to an earlier post saying please don't take a stand at the funeral.

Of course it’s relevant. Possibly she’s not had time to forge a proper relationship with the baby because she was too busy caring for a sick husband and coming to terms with the prospect of losing him ? Perhaps when the shock of loss lessens, MIL will be better able to articulate how she was feeling, but the OP will never know, and bridges will never be built if, as some posters are suggesting, she ends the relationship with her. It’s beyond me why people are focusing on MIL’s wording of why she doesn't want the baby at the funeral. It was clumsy, yes, but I think most rational people would forgive the clumsiness under the circumstances, and understand that what she meant was that she didn’t want anything to distract from the funeral, which she has planned. Her last loving act for the man she has lost. It isn’t an attitude of madness or nastiness, the poor woman is mired in grief and I’m utterly astounded at the number of posters who are choosing to ignore that. Only when you’ve lived it, will you understand.