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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:19

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:10

@Ikeptgoing your constant posts to @mummyh2016 and references to her 'heart' and using ❤ are getting more bizzare! Back off a bit! 🤨

What is wrong with you??
Another PP was calling out MIL as being unreasonable and palliative team members have indicated she isn't being and explained why

There is something really off about you saying that is unreasonable when actual professional MDT palliative teams take a moment to say say actually it's important to have peace in a funeral and that this denigration of the widow isn't ok really

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:20

Why do people keep berating op that 'its not your day' where the hell are you picking this up from?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/07/2022 20:22

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 20:08

Sorry for the delay-it’s been a long day.
Update-
DH spoke with MIL (I was there but they did the talking), she doesn’t want baby at funeral at all, including the wake as the wake is at the golf club which apparently isn’t a suitable place for a baby…

Thank you to a previous poster (sorry can’t remember who) about asking a neighbour- I have and a lovely older couple have said they’ll be absolutely delighted to have baby. (I would never have asked them to babysit for anything else but they do know DD a bit as we often walk the same lane in the morning). A friend I would’ve asked is a GP and can’t get time off work in short notice. I literally have no family left and I suppose that’s made me quite self reliant!

So Im going to go to the funeral with DH and DS and then bring DS back home. DS really wants to go and the more I thought about it (and read posts) the less happy I felt about him sitting alone while DH does the readings. MIL said that 11 year old must be there as he and FIL were close (they played golf), but that baby and her ‘have nothing in common’. She said she isn’t being mean, she just has no connection with baby, and doesn’t want the limelight to be taken from FIL’s day. DH will go to the wake, and drive MIL home afterwards as planned. He has been extremely supportive of her.

DH is upset but he agrees that this is not a hill to have a fight on, and that tomorrow is about his dad. We have also talked about doing something for FIL, just our family of 4.

I'm glad you have found a solution that works. This is not the time to deal with mils attitude towards the baby. You have plenty of time to try and resolve that in the future.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2022 20:23

I certainly wouldn't be issuing orders

You have absolutely no idea what you’d do or feel, just as I haven’t a clue either. Neither of us have lost our life partner after decades of marriage and neither of us has a clue how it feels. It’s a pretty heartless son who’d go into battle with his mother over his father’s funeral though. It’s cruel and insensitive.

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:24

So I absolutely would challenge you also in a professional environment as would all the palliative nurses and doctors @MichelleScarn and @mummyh2016

It's a learning experience for you both in an experience that I hope neither of you have to go through In near future and clearly haven't before.

People do get very distressed during significant bereavements and sometimes it is the unkindness of others that sticks, disproportionally often as it is out of ignorance more than malice But sometimes bc those people cannot listen!! Nor hear what is being asked by the loved ones

Lola4321 · 09/07/2022 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Izzabellasasperella · 09/07/2022 20:24

My Mil asked me to bring 6 m dd to her fathers funeral. I sat towards the back with her and when she got a bit vocal took her out and wandered around the churchyard. I think it really helped her especially at the wake where she cuddled her and introduced her to lots of family who hadn't met her before.
If she had asked me not to bring her then I would've been fine with that.
I do think Mils wishes should be respected.

Notonthestairs · 09/07/2022 20:25

Good outcome. I hope all goes well.

Daisycrown · 09/07/2022 20:27

Glad you worked something out. Admittedly when I took mine no it hadn't been asked that I not and it's not a request I've ever heard of tbh. Whether the deaths have been expected or sudden and tragic but, all families are different with different dynamics.
I hope moving on you all work everything else out given your update.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:27

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:19

What is wrong with you??
Another PP was calling out MIL as being unreasonable and palliative team members have indicated she isn't being and explained why

There is something really off about you saying that is unreasonable when actual professional MDT palliative teams take a moment to say say actually it's important to have peace in a funeral and that this denigration of the widow isn't ok really

Show quote history

Okaayyy... so what exactly is your role in this team, given you feel you can use this to berate people?

user143677433 · 09/07/2022 20:28

OP I’m glad you found a solution that works for you. Hopefully your MIL’s odd comments about the baby are just a product of the difficult time she is going through and will resolve in time.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:29

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:24

So I absolutely would challenge you also in a professional environment as would all the palliative nurses and doctors @MichelleScarn and @mummyh2016

It's a learning experience for you both in an experience that I hope neither of you have to go through In near future and clearly haven't before.

People do get very distressed during significant bereavements and sometimes it is the unkindness of others that sticks, disproportionally often as it is out of ignorance more than malice But sometimes bc those people cannot listen!! Nor hear what is being asked by the loved ones

Would they?... all of them? I'll go check with those I know tomorrow! (Hope to hell you aren't any of them!)

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:30

Anyway apologies @KristinaYang for this rather strange diversion your thread has taken. Glad all sorted.

onlythreenow · 09/07/2022 20:35

Why does what MIL want take priority over what DH wants? I'd do whatever my husband wanted for his dad's funeral

Because she has just lost her husband!!!!! Can you really not see that a woman losing her spouse takes priority over an adult losing a parent? There are some really unkind responses on this thread. I rarely see babies at funerals, it's just not the place for them.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 20:36

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 19:45

I thinkThere are various people on here who have outed themselves as totally considerate family members who don't consider anything but their own wishes and would be incredibly nasty to
their widowed parent or in law or whoever.
It's pretty shocking really how self centred some people can be

Here’s the reality. I lost my husband five years ago. The time in between his death and the funeral was almost unbearable and I wouldn’t have got through it without the unconditional support of my family and friends. My husband was in a funeral home two minutes away from me in the village and it took every fibre of my being to resist the urge to camp out there, even though I knew it wasn’t rational - he wasn’t there, his body was an empty shell. There was no closure and I focused on the funeral I felt as though I was in limbo and there was so much to do, I didn’t know where to start - and all at a time when all I wanted to do was lie down and die myself. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t think straight. I remember looking at the packet of Temazepam my GP had prescribed and thinking how easy it would be to just lie down and take the lot - there would be peace and no more pain. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that my elderly mum was living with us and she would have been the one to find me.

I focused on planning the funeral and that was what got me through that period - I went over every detail and tried to make it as perfect as I could. Looking back I was probably obsessing, but that’s what grief does. I wanted the best for him because it was my very last chance to do something for him out of love. After the funeral I was aware of clinging on to the end because I didn’t want to go home - I knew this was the start of my life alone.

I won’t go into what followed for the next couple of years because even now, five years on, it’s still too painful. What I will say, is that most, if not all of the above, will be how MIL is feeling now. Have any of you even considered that a short time ago she may have had to watch the man she loved pass away ? The OP says it was after a short illness, so she hasn’t had very much time to come to terms with losing him. Given that, do any of you really think she is in a position to be thinking straight and being fair to everyone ? Do any of you think it’s fair that in addition to the burden she’s carrying now, her children are putting their own needs before hers ? Do you really think it’s fair to call her self centred and to even suggest that her family distance themselves from her at the very time she needs them most ?

Yes, her son is grieving. Yes he needs support. But his mothers’ needs are greater than his and he should step up and support her - he has his wife and children to support him. He has lost his dad, but she has lost her partner, the life she knew and the future she thought she had. This is the reality we all face. When your marriage goes the distance, you have a 50/50 chance of being the one left behind - and no matter how much vitriol you aim at a grieving widow, nothing will change that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 20:37

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2022 20:23

I certainly wouldn't be issuing orders

You have absolutely no idea what you’d do or feel, just as I haven’t a clue either. Neither of us have lost our life partner after decades of marriage and neither of us has a clue how it feels. It’s a pretty heartless son who’d go into battle with his mother over his father’s funeral though. It’s cruel and insensitive.

Yup

thefatpotato · 09/07/2022 20:37

Could your DH take older child, who could be looked over by other family/family friends whilst DH does readings etc, then take baby and meet them afterwards at the wake (assuming there is one)?

saraclara · 09/07/2022 20:38

Good compromise, OP. I hope everything works out.

I spent the run up to my DH's funeral, irrationally worrying about someone's phone going off during it. It honestly was on my mind a lot of the time. There's a kind of insanity about the grief of losing an adored husband of 35 years. I made the funeral directors put up a sign at the entrance telling people to switch their phone off AND make an announcement before we came in.

Like me, your MIL will one day (maybe) look back at this period and wonder what why on earth she got stressed and dictatorial about this stuff.
But still, I'm glad that those concerned with my late husband's funeral just went along with my wishes and treated me kindly.

Sexnotgender · 09/07/2022 20:39

@Rosscameasdoody I’m so sorry, your post made me cry. I can’t imagine how hard it is.

WimbyAce · 09/07/2022 20:44

Glad you have found a solution and all the best for tomorrow xx

RedHelenB · 09/07/2022 20:45

I think in time your baby will be a great comfort to your MIL, just as her older brother is.

ITakeCharge · 09/07/2022 20:51

Sounds like you have found a good solution. Your concerns about MIL's attitude to your baby are something to be addressed another time if it persists, the funeral is not the right time and your husband recognizes that even if he is not happy about it.

You have been in a difficult position regarding childcare and it is interesting that so many posters don't recognize this. Just blithely telling people to ask a friend or a neighbour is not always so easy as it sounds. I knew no one in my parents' village as they moved there after I left home. My mum's funeral was at a church and one of the church helpers opened the Sunday school playroom and looked after my toddler during the service - I would never have thought to ask for that but it was so helpful and worked so well for us as I was on site if there were any problems and I was freed up to support my dad. There can be constructive solutions but they often need a bit of notice, which it sounds like you didn't get.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 20:54

ancientgran · 09/07/2022 19:44

Does it? Why wouldn't you say making a noise if you meant making a noise? Stealing the show is something different.

Show quote history

Because not long ago you watched your husband die, you’re exhausted, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat and you’re focused on doing the one last thing you can do for your late husband out of love - the funeral. Why would anyone think that under those circumstances you would have the focus and presence of mind articulate properly. Get a grip.

Changechangychange · 09/07/2022 20:55

Goldbar · 09/07/2022 17:48

Look at the research on how bereavement/loss of a spouse affects elderly people.

For my grandmother, it was the beginning of the end. My mother (who still had her spouse and children) would never have been so crass as to argue that she was more affected than my grandmother or to disregard her wishes. She had a whole intact busy life to go back to.

Show quote history

Do we know OP’s MIL is elderly? You seem to be imagining a frail 90yr old, but her grandchild is under a year old, so she could be 50 for all we know, still working, and married again within a year.

Her age doesn’t affect how grief stricken she is of course, but this picture of a lonely old lady fading away from grief is probably a load of cobblers.

AliceW89 · 09/07/2022 20:57

Your MiL has some really strange and upsetting feelings towards your baby. They need to be addressed in the future if they stay the same. But the funeral of her husband definitely isn’t the time and place to go into this. I think respecting her wishes around this one and getting neighbours to watch DC is the right thing to do. I hope it all goes okay.

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