Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Eddiesferret · 09/07/2022 20:00

Why would you want a baby at a funeral. The baby doesn't know the deceased . Adds nothing to the ceremony and only adds to the stress of the day should they start crying during a reading/prayer/poignant moment .

I'm sure your baby is delightful OP. It there is a time and a place - and for
Your MIL sake this definitely isn't it.

I guess she has only just informed you of this because she would have assumed as a pair of functioning adult human parents you had worked this out for yourself and has only just realised herself that you hadn't ..

As for ' if not welcome at the funeral then not welcome at the wake .. how does that follow ?? Have you been to a funeral and a wake. ?

Funeral .. sombre QUIET ordered occasions for prayer and reflection of the deceased . Support for the bereaved. Baby completely unnecessary/not appropriate.

Wake ; lively social gathering to eat, drink and remember/celebrate someone's life with an opportunity for people to catch up with those they may not have seen for many years . Absolutely appropriate to bring baby and introduce to relatives in a low key way.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 20:02

@custardbear

”A bit fuxki g late to be telling g you this!
My DS 6 months and DD 3 went to my mums funeral and they were a delight for everyone!

DD was at my dads at 2 years just and again she helped lighten the mood and everyone to see the next generation

But it's your DH's call/conversation.”

it’s a fucking funeral, why does the mood need to be lightened?!

and I bet your baby didn’t “bring delight to everyone”, they’ll have tolerated his presence out of politeness

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:02

mummyh2016 · 09/07/2022 19:57

@Rosscameasdoody and do you blame the negative comments about the 11 month baby that were made before the passing on grief as well? I would love to hear your excuses for those.

I really wish I could reset your heart as it is entirely in the wrong place and you are absolutely wrong
Stop arguing silly irrelevant points and just listen. It really worries me to have someone who has mummy in their user name who is so adrift from human feelings

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 20:03

ItsTuesdayToday · 09/07/2022 14:43

Why does he want a baby there did you not read the OP? DH doesn't want the baby there. He wants his wife there, as does their elder child.

Grief doesn't have a pecking order. MIL doesn't get to say who goes, it's DH's dad's funeral.

@ItsTuesdayToday

yeah it does. What mother in law wants should go. End of.

TeacupDrama · 09/07/2022 20:05

the older child will not be sitting alone while their Dad does reading they'll be with their grandmother aunts uncles and maybe other cousins
my father died recently after being married 54 years my mothers grief is far more than mine it is her whole life upside down not mine; though I loved my father deeply. I have DH and DD I'm sad about it but I didn't live with him 365/24/7 we visited 3 times a year and spoke weekly on the phone it is not remotely the same, your eldest child knew her grandfather the baby didn't your DH and older child should go and you shouldif you can find childcare if you can't you need to stay home with your baby but don't stop your older child that wants to go from going

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 20:06

I work in palliative care and see so many wonderful families who are bereft and struggling and the funeral is so important. It is a peaceful time to say goodbye

The wake can be full of children and liveliness but the funeral service should be about the deceased person not toddlers or babies who cannot understand and will interrupt peoples grief and peaceful goodbyes. Anyone that does nor understand that has never lost someone they truly care about,

Shocking really to read some selfish comments in here that are so incredibly wrong

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 20:06

TeacupDrama · 09/07/2022 20:05

the older child will not be sitting alone while their Dad does reading they'll be with their grandmother aunts uncles and maybe other cousins
my father died recently after being married 54 years my mothers grief is far more than mine it is her whole life upside down not mine; though I loved my father deeply. I have DH and DD I'm sad about it but I didn't live with him 365/24/7 we visited 3 times a year and spoke weekly on the phone it is not remotely the same, your eldest child knew her grandfather the baby didn't your DH and older child should go and you shouldif you can find childcare if you can't you need to stay home with your baby but don't stop your older child that wants to go from going

EXACTLY THIS!

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 09/07/2022 20:07

Ask a friend to come and sit outside with the baby. Failing that get dh to tell mil that he won’t have dc1 sat without his parent at a funeral so either the baby comes too or he doesn’t do the reading so he can stay with

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/07/2022 20:08

MountainSun · 09/07/2022 14:38

Why would you create this massive issue in the family?

Don’t take the baby. Babies don’t need to go to funerals anyway.

You are being difficult. Your MIL’s husband has just died, this is not the time to make a point about your baby.

I agree. This is not the hill to die on

Original poster
KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 20:08

Sorry for the delay-it’s been a long day.
Update-
DH spoke with MIL (I was there but they did the talking), she doesn’t want baby at funeral at all, including the wake as the wake is at the golf club which apparently isn’t a suitable place for a baby…

Thank you to a previous poster (sorry can’t remember who) about asking a neighbour- I have and a lovely older couple have said they’ll be absolutely delighted to have baby. (I would never have asked them to babysit for anything else but they do know DD a bit as we often walk the same lane in the morning). A friend I would’ve asked is a GP and can’t get time off work in short notice. I literally have no family left and I suppose that’s made me quite self reliant!

So Im going to go to the funeral with DH and DS and then bring DS back home. DS really wants to go and the more I thought about it (and read posts) the less happy I felt about him sitting alone while DH does the readings. MIL said that 11 year old must be there as he and FIL were close (they played golf), but that baby and her ‘have nothing in common’. She said she isn’t being mean, she just has no connection with baby, and doesn’t want the limelight to be taken from FIL’s day. DH will go to the wake, and drive MIL home afterwards as planned. He has been extremely supportive of her.

DH is upset but he agrees that this is not a hill to have a fight on, and that tomorrow is about his dad. We have also talked about doing something for FIL, just our family of 4.

OP posts:
IDreamOfTheMoors · 09/07/2022 20:10

I was 11 when I attended my first funeral.
I got to wear my best dress and stockings - yes, with a garter belt. It was the late 60s. I felt very grown up.

Everything was fine until we had to walk past the open casket. I had never seen a dead body before and no one thought to prepare me.

It was devastating. I was shocked and stunned.

DO NOT let your 11-year old go alone.

LizzieW1969 · 09/07/2022 20:10

Notonthestairs · 09/07/2022 15:33

No idea why people are blaming the Op.

The disagreement is entirely between her husband and his mother.

They need to work it out between them.

Exactly. The OP has been very empathetic about her MIL’s grief and has said that she doesn’t want to upset her. She’s simply caught between MIL and her DH and doesn’t know what to do for the best, hence the thread.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 20:10

@Ikeptgoing your constant posts to @mummyh2016 and references to her 'heart' and using ❤ are getting more bizzare! Back off a bit! 🤨

Johnnysgirl · 09/07/2022 20:11

You do realise that family will be in the front row and readings take a minute or two at most?
All this left alone business is a bit silly... Your 11 year old would be fine sitting within a few feet of his Dad for a minute or two.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/07/2022 20:11

Thank you for coming back to update Op. Glad your neighbour can help.Hope the day goes as well as it can.

calmlakes · 09/07/2022 20:12

Very practical compromise OP.
MIL isn't being particularly sensible but you and DH are both being kind to her.

hotcoldnotsold · 09/07/2022 20:13

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 20:08

Sorry for the delay-it’s been a long day.
Update-
DH spoke with MIL (I was there but they did the talking), she doesn’t want baby at funeral at all, including the wake as the wake is at the golf club which apparently isn’t a suitable place for a baby…

Thank you to a previous poster (sorry can’t remember who) about asking a neighbour- I have and a lovely older couple have said they’ll be absolutely delighted to have baby. (I would never have asked them to babysit for anything else but they do know DD a bit as we often walk the same lane in the morning). A friend I would’ve asked is a GP and can’t get time off work in short notice. I literally have no family left and I suppose that’s made me quite self reliant!

So Im going to go to the funeral with DH and DS and then bring DS back home. DS really wants to go and the more I thought about it (and read posts) the less happy I felt about him sitting alone while DH does the readings. MIL said that 11 year old must be there as he and FIL were close (they played golf), but that baby and her ‘have nothing in common’. She said she isn’t being mean, she just has no connection with baby, and doesn’t want the limelight to be taken from FIL’s day. DH will go to the wake, and drive MIL home afterwards as planned. He has been extremely supportive of her.

DH is upset but he agrees that this is not a hill to have a fight on, and that tomorrow is about his dad. We have also talked about doing something for FIL, just our family of 4.

Wonderful outcome. Glad you can go as a family and your lovely neighbours are babysitting. Condolences to you all and DH is right, issues with MIL and baby are not to be fought over now.

GrouchyKiwi · 09/07/2022 20:14

Have you come to a decision, OP?

Where I grew up, babies and children being at funerals was completely standard, so I'm baffled but all of this.

But the important feelings here are those of your MIL and your DH, as well as your 11-year-old. Have your MIL & DH talked about this and worked something out?

How I'd proceed would depend on how many other family members the 11-year-old knows. If DC11 could sit with aunty/uncle while your DH did his parts of the service then I'd stay away with the baby. If DH's family was small, however, I'd want to be there to support DH and DC11, so I'd try to find someone else to watch the baby.

If you can't find someone, then either you go and risk upsetting your MIL, who obviously has a very great deal to cope with right now, or you stay home with both children. I don't think an 11-year-old would cope on their own, if there's not other family to support them.

It's a tough one, OP, but overall I think your DH needs to be sensitive to your MIL's needs at this time, however difficult you all find them.

And I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

GrouchyKiwi · 09/07/2022 20:15

Ah, you replied while I was typing my novella.

I'm glad you've worked something out. Flowers

Dixiechickonhols · 09/07/2022 20:15

Johnnysgirl · 09/07/2022 20:11

You do realise that family will be in the front row and readings take a minute or two at most?
All this left alone business is a bit silly... Your 11 year old would be fine sitting within a few feet of his Dad for a minute or two.

Op has updated but I diagree about readings. DH was the only one willing to speak at his grandad's funeral (catholic church) and he was stood up doing reading/eulogy for large part. It depends how many are speaking and on the church.

Bagzzz · 09/07/2022 20:16

Respect you Mil wishes. Unless it is a long period ask one of your friends to babysit. There is always going to be a first time. You haven’t needed it before you do now.

if that is not possible talk to your DH (and depending on maturity to your 11 year old about whether it is suitable for them to go with DH.
if not DH goes alone.
I feel that MiL worded badly but actually it isn’t a place for toddlers.

If the baby cries then either your 11 year old will have the same support as if you don’t go or he leave the room with you anyway.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 09/07/2022 20:17

I'm sorry if I'm missing something here.

Your MIL doesn't want your baby there.
Fair enough.
Your husband is doing a reading. It doesn't take long. You older child has been asked to attend.
Your older child will cope with dad's reading... there are other family members there , surely , or your eldest can sit by Gran.

You can stay at home with your youngest.

If your husband wants your baby there then he needs to talk to his mum.

You really don't have a day here.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/07/2022 20:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don't know what type of life you lead but neither violence nor prostitution play a part of my life.

You are being utterly ridiculous at this stage. A funeral is about saying goodbye to a loved one. It is, in many cultures, a family affair. You don't think children belong at funerals. Fine. That's your opinion. It is not a universal opinion and your derision towards cultures where it is the norm is very odd. Is it rooted in an unimaginative insularism?

Goldbar · 09/07/2022 20:18

Good outcome, OP. Hopefully the service will be much less stressful if you don't have to worry about the baby making noise and instead you will be able to concentrate on your DS and supporting him.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/07/2022 20:19

I'd also add that seeing your Dad breakdown/cry whilst he is reading could be very unsettling for a child. I've only seen my DH cry a handful of times and watching visibly distressed was hard and i'm an adult. I'm glad Op can sit with her 11 year old.