MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

MIL isn’t making it about her - it IS about her husband, but it’s also about her. She’s the widow FFS !! All she will be wanting at this stage is to say goodbye to her husband in the manner she planned. In her grief, she’s obviously left it late to tell the OP her wishes, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her sad, grieving and not thinking straight.

I very much doubt that the widow is fretting about not being the centre of attention. More likely she's worried that the focus will get drawn away from the poor sod who is lying in his coffin. In a way, a funeral is a show. It's the last performance in someone's life before the curtain falls for ever

Does it? Why wouldn't you say making a noise if you meant making a noise? Stealing the show is something different.

And if you apply some compassion and realise she is grieving, you will no doubt understand that by that she meant that the focus should be on her late husband, not a crying baby. Why is this so difficult to understand ?

I thinkThere are various people on here who have outed themselves as totally considerate family members who don't consider anything but their own wishes and would be incredibly nasty to
their widowed parent or in law or whoever.
It's pretty shocking really how self centred some people can be

It was the MIL who inferred it was about attention when she said baby would steal the show. Unless the FIL only passed away a couple of days ago and the funeral has been arranged quickly she should not only have said it earlier but she should've said it in a nicer way as well.

As totally inconsiderate !! Lol auto incorrect changed the meaning to opposite to what I typed!

@mummyh2016
Maybe go buy a heart ❤️ yours is faulty

During the funeral his focus should be on his mother - he has a wife and family to go home to after the funeral. They will support him. His mother goes home to an empty house to start her life alone. Surely the question should be who supports her - judging by the utterly crass and insensitive posts on here, obviously no one.

It is also about her son. I think when you lose your first parent it is a very difficult time, the people who have always been there for you (hopefully) suddenly aren't always going to be there and that can be very distressing.

My heart works fine thank you. As does my backbone which means I don't allow people to make me or my children feel unworthy.

She probably should have said and done a lot of things, but have a guess why she didn’t ? SHE’S GRIEVING.

Stealing the show means stealing/taking attention away from others. Such as the minister delivering the service, or the grieving relatives giving their readings. That is where the attention should be. Not on a noisy baby or on baby's mother getting up and leaving the service. So, yes, a noisy baby would "steal the show".

No need for the bay to be there. Find a babysitter or you stay home.

Mother in law doesn’t want any attention or focus being detracted from her husband which is absolutely fine seeing as it’s his funeral

babies do grab a lot of attention, its what their survival depends on so their behaviour is very good at eliciting it

nothing and no one on that funeral day should detract from the man who has died. Ops husband should respect and honour that

if an adult cannot have one day, (their sodding funeral no less!) which is just about them and them only…well… that would be really shit of their family

In this instance your mil is the primary mourner. I would stay home with both children and DH would go alone to service but I would join him at wake after service with both children. I can understand mil not wanting a baby at a service as they might cry. Surely you can do this one thing for your mil when she is grieving.

Neither of my parents would ever ask me to not bring my own baby, their grandchild, to their funerals. I think they would be livid if anyone suggested it, in fact. I have no frame of reference for this. I can't even imagine any of my family saying this, even in laws.

Is there a wake afterwards? I would find someone to stay with the 11 month old outside the service, maybe just walk them round in the buggy, or do it yourself, then go onto whatever is happening afterwards with the baby and everyone else. That's what we did with my two at my DF's funeral. They were 3 and stayed at home with my PIL then I collected them afterwards & they came to the party. If your MIL doesn't want a baby there it's up to her.

@beautyisthefaceisee it makes her next of kin and the organiser (and probably funder) of the funeral so she very much is 'chief mourner' if you like.

@mummyh2016
Other PP including recent ones are trying to explain to you- really you aren't listening

Clearly you have never lost anyone significant that you cared about or there is something shockingly blasé about your comments.

I work in palliative care and I cannot see how you don't get it! There is something wrong with your heart lack of engaging your heart or you simply haven't experienced a significant loss . Either way my original point stands

@Rosscameasdoody and do you blame the negative comments about the 11 month baby that were made before the passing on grief as well? I would love to hear your excuses for those.

@ImAvingOops

why can’t she?

having an 11 year attend is very different kettle of fish to a baby attend

It's a fucking funeral, fgs. "A delight for everyone", seriously?
Couldn't you have delighted them at a more appropriate occasion?

An 11 month old won't find a church service scary... It's really easy to draw a line between observing a church service and observing sex or violence. Like really, really easy.