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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

808 replies

KristinaYang · 09/07/2022 14:33

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP posts:
Harridance · 09/07/2022 19:18

Her son is grieving, cut him some slack

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 19:20

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:17

rather as his wife and child?

Is that a sentiment you think appears in most MN posts?

Show quote history

Depends on the circumstances. This is his fathers’ funeral so yes, his priority should be supporting his mother. In other circumstances he can support his wife and child as appropriate.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/07/2022 19:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Children are still accepted and expected at funerals in loads of cultures. They are a normal part of life. Insulating children from them is not, in my opinion, healthy.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 19:21

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/07/2022 19:20

Children are still accepted and expected at funerals in loads of cultures. They are a normal part of life. Insulating children from them is not, in my opinion, healthy.

Show quote history

Might not be healthy but that’s not the point. MIL doesn’t want the baby at the funeral - she has her reasons and she is the widow. Her wishes should be respected.

Swonderful · 09/07/2022 19:25

Some people cope with grief and stress by being controlling. Sounds like mil fits into this camp. You probably can't win either way as will be criticised if you don't come or you come with the baby.

I think in the circumstances I would stay home with the baby. The 11 year old will be fine sitting by themselves for a bit.

RegardingMary · 09/07/2022 19:27

@Rosscameasdoody

I don't really think the appropriate person to talk a grieving 11 year old through a funeral is the widow.

Similarly, I recently couldn't attend a funeral as I had no childcare. Sadly when family family yout child care, child free family occasions tend to mean, no childcare is available.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:29

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 19:20

Depends on the circumstances. This is his fathers’ funeral so yes, his priority should be supporting his mother. In other circumstances he can support his wife and child as appropriate.

Show quote history

and who is supporting him?

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:29

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 19:21

Might not be healthy but that’s not the point. MIL doesn’t want the baby at the funeral - she has her reasons and she is the widow. Her wishes should be respected.

Show quote history

her reason being he will "steal the show"

AngelinaFibres · 09/07/2022 19:30

BigYellowElephant · 09/07/2022 14:37

Why does what MIL want take priority over what DH wants? I'd do whatever my husband wanted for his dad's funeral

Because she is the wife of the deceased, therefore she is hosting the funeral. Babies are beautiful, babies bring joy. They are also the future. That future doesn't include her husband. Perhaps she is struggling with that. I would follow her wishes. Your husband has years and years with your baby. The funeral is about her husband and their shared life. It's not a hill to die on......if you'll excuse the turn of phrase

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 19:30

You absolutely, categorically should not take your baby to the funeral

all those on here who are saying your husbands wishes should take same precedence as your mother in laws are talking shit.

at this stage, the man who has passed away is not the centre of his sons life. His son has a wife and kids etc, his life will carry on much the same after his fathers passing. But he was centre of his wife’s life, your mother in law. Her life will be changed significantly from his passing.

You MUST abide by her wishes. Your husband is very being very selfish and juvenile

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:30

alphapie · 09/07/2022 19:05

YABU

You claim no child care then say you have friends who would but you haven't bothered to ask them.

You cannot and should not take a bloody baby to a funeral, I'm also not sure why posters are caught up on the 'steal the show' comment, it's clearly meant in terms of crying, making a noise and distracting from the very purpose of the day

It's well known there is a hierarchy of grief, your MIL is at the Center therefore her wishes trump your DHs, the very fact he is causing shit about this at such a time shows him in a very poor light.

Ask one of your friends to look after the baby and go.

Is it though? how do you know? none of us do.

It could also mean taking the attention off MIL which is a theme OP has given throughout.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:31

@alphapie it is well known there is NOT a hierarchy of grief. Grief means missing and loving someone who has died. everyone is equal in that.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/07/2022 19:31

Rosscameasdoody · 09/07/2022 19:21

Might not be healthy but that’s not the point. MIL doesn’t want the baby at the funeral - she has her reasons and she is the widow. Her wishes should be respected.

Show quote history

You were claiming having children at a funeral is not acceptable in general. I pointed out that is not the case.

I think it's perfectly acceptable, even if odd, for the mil not to want the baby there. However, she will have to make a choice - no children or both - if the op cannot get a baby sitter. It doesn't have to be done in a confrontational or nasty way but sometimes practicalities interfere with our desires.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 19:30

You absolutely, categorically should not take your baby to the funeral

all those on here who are saying your husbands wishes should take same precedence as your mother in laws are talking shit.

at this stage, the man who has passed away is not the centre of his sons life. His son has a wife and kids etc, his life will carry on much the same after his fathers passing. But he was centre of his wife’s life, your mother in law. Her life will be changed significantly from his passing.

You MUST abide by her wishes. Your husband is very being very selfish and juvenile

Is that how we judge grief now? On life after?

My friend lost his wife at 41. No kids.

By your theory, her parents should take "hierarchy of grief".

Thankfully, most of us dont believe in that.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2022 19:33

BadNomad · 09/07/2022 19:18

Clearly, "steal the show" means making noise. Then you have to decide whether to sit there and let it continue, or get up and leave. Both will mean disrupting and distracting people during prayers and readings. It's so unnecessary.

I absolutely don't think it's about 'noise' I do think it's about attention bizarre though that is!

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:33

AngelinaFibres · 09/07/2022 19:30

Because she is the wife of the deceased, therefore she is hosting the funeral. Babies are beautiful, babies bring joy. They are also the future. That future doesn't include her husband. Perhaps she is struggling with that. I would follow her wishes. Your husband has years and years with your baby. The funeral is about her husband and their shared life. It's not a hill to die on......if you'll excuse the turn of phrase

Show quote history

You assume.

ancientgran · 09/07/2022 19:34

Swonderful · 09/07/2022 19:25

Some people cope with grief and stress by being controlling. Sounds like mil fits into this camp. You probably can't win either way as will be criticised if you don't come or you come with the baby.

I think in the circumstances I would stay home with the baby. The 11 year old will be fine sitting by themselves for a bit.

How can you possibly know how an 11 year old child you've never met will be fine at their grandfather's funeral? Some 11 year olds might, some might not. I think the OP is probably a better judge of how her child will be being as she actually knows them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 19:34

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:30

Is it though? how do you know? none of us do.

It could also mean taking the attention off MIL which is a theme OP has given throughout.

Show quote history

@beautyisthefaceisee

is is that terrible if it is about not detracting from mother in law?!

the poor woman has lost her husband! She SHOULD be the centre of everyone’s focus and care and attention

babies do not need to be the centre of attention and priority in all aspects of life for gods sake!

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:36

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 19:34

@beautyisthefaceisee

is is that terrible if it is about not detracting from mother in law?!

the poor woman has lost her husband! She SHOULD be the centre of everyone’s focus and care and attention

babies do not need to be the centre of attention and priority in all aspects of life for gods sake!

Show quote history

I didnt say they should.
But the focus of the funeral should be about the man whos died.

MIL making it about her gives us a clear indication of what is going on here, if she thinks a baby will "steal the show"

Miranda2308 · 09/07/2022 19:37

I totally sympathise. You are between a rock and a hard place. While I would want to respect my MIL’s wishes, my husband’s feelings would be more important to me. My husband and I have very little family and the relatives we do have are older and spread far and wide. It can be very hard to find someone fit, able and willing to look after a child that age and if the child hasn’t already been left with someone, it’s hard to leave them for the first time in these circumstances. You need to be there to support your husband and older child, which means baby needs to go too. While funerals are sombre and serious occasions they are also on the whole family occasions, so I wouldn’t consider baby attending inappropriate.

Harridance · 09/07/2022 19:37

Why does anyone want to be centre of attention at such a horrible time?

C152 · 09/07/2022 19:38

Whilst others will obviously be upset and dealing with their own grief, your DH and older child included; it should be up to your MIL to decide who goes to her husband's funeral. I don't think she's being unreasonable to say she doesn't want a baby at the funeral. Even if i thought she was being unreasonable, I would still respect her wishes and, if I couldn't find a babysitter, would stay home with the baby. Is there anyone else going to the funeral who could sit next to and support your older child while your DH is giving a reading / supporting his mum?

mummyh2016 · 09/07/2022 19:39

@Rosscameasdoody actually unless you're the MIL you don't know that she didn't mean it about the whole 'stealing the show' thing do you? The MIL appears to have an issue or a problem with this baby, OP has said this has been going on long before. From what the OP has said I'd say there's a fairly good chance she did mean it.
And yes I would distance myself. There's no point you saying the OP needs to be there to support the MIL when the MIL isn't letting the OP support her husband now. To me the MIL is treating the OP as an outsider, that she isn't part of the family. No point wanting her to be part of the family in a couple of weeks time is there. Her DH can be there for his mum, no need for the OP to be.
I don't think a funeral is a suitable place for a baby FYI. But not only should the MIL have said at the very start (rather than leave it until the last minute) she didn't want the baby there but there are ways to word it. Grieving doesn't give you an excuse to act like an arsehole to people who are also experiencing grief yet instead of her saying something like 'would it be possible for you to arrange someone to watch baby during the service as I don't think it would be suitable' instead she has said 'don't bring baby because he may steal the show'.
I have 2 children and if my MIL acted like this with my children I would be distancing myself. DH could see her and take the children, whatever he wants. But I wouldn't be going. Even if I did forgive I would never forget.

AngelinaFibres · 09/07/2022 19:39

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 19:32

Is that how we judge grief now? On life after?

My friend lost his wife at 41. No kids.

By your theory, her parents should take "hierarchy of grief".

Thankfully, most of us dont believe in that.

Show quote history

No. The spouse takes precedence. Irrelevant whether your friend had children or not. He is the widower, he takes precedence. Simple In Ops case ,her MIL is the spouse so takes precedence. If you die your husband will be at the centre of the funeral

Ikeptgoing · 09/07/2022 19:41

I'm Quite shocked at the PPs arguing

No you don't take a 11 month year old baby to a funeral
They won't understand and won't and can't be expected to be quiet and respectful bc they are a baby!!!

Fgs people - those arguing don't really have any understanding of losing your partner or losing a loved one and how
The funeral is a rite of passage. Babies don't get that and should not be included. It's not about attention it's about letting the widow or the widower or the close family have some
Peace to grieve. Or think . During their lived one's actual funeral. You know that one frigging hour that you would expect it to be about the person who died.

Who would take a young noisily baby or Toddler to that? Well a selfish person would ...