MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

I didn’t call someone else’s grief bitter and nasty - read my post properly. I said the post was bitter and nasty because it was - I actually said I was sorry for the posters’ circumstances but they had absolutely no relevance to the OP’s situation.

Your MIL has specifically asked that the baby not be there, so I think it would be incredibly cruel to purposely ignore her request on one of the hardest days of her life. The baby being there serves no purpose and the baby won't care. They have no understanding of the significance of the occasion. Your older child does. And they won't be alone. They have family all around them. Their father will be right in front of them when he makes his reading. Your husband and his mother are reacting emotionally, understandably, so you have to be the sensible one here.

You can't bring the baby along when she's said no. That really wouldn't be ok.

Which isn't to say how she's acting is ok. She's being weird. And of course a baby will get more (or different) attention than their sibling at this time. They're a baby. I don't think a baby would steal the show either- people know why they're all there, to honour your FiL.

But still you have to hold to her decision about who she thinks should be there, as she's made that clear.

I don't envy the OP having her husband, he sounds like a total selfish arsehole. He should be supporting his MOTHER!

Honestly @Lola4321 , what is wrong with you?? Insulting a man grieving the loss of his father, really? His mother's grief may 'trump' his but does not negate it. Losing a parents is absolutely bloody awful, he too is allowed to make rash, selfish decisions in grief, like his mother is. You can make you point without being so vitriolic and awful about DH who is trying to juggle needs of his mother, his family and himself at a time when he too is grieving.

It’s a tricky one as i on reflection have had a baby at a few funerals. This was close family and I was always ready to leave if baby was making a noise. However me and my family are close and they found the distraction of a baby helpful and welcomed them . My DD sat on the grass at 6mths when I attended my close uncles funeral . Everyone was glad that I was able to travel and attend they didn’t care my baby was with me . Seems MIL here has issues and it seems odd to me why she is so adamant that her youngest grandchild should not attend. My DH and I brought my baby son to his beloved grandmothers funeral as he wanted me there and I got on with her and she new my DS . However I sat at the back and was ready to leave if he was a distraction - I felt for my DH as he was very distressed but I sat at the back as I didn’t want to cause any distraction . I am not sure what to stay here but I would suggest you go with your DH and sit at the back with your baby and be prepared to leave if your baby gets upset it makes a noise

Follow your MIL wishes. Her husband has just died, and it's her choice.

Your DH has a wife and his own family now. His wishes over his dad's funeral (I'm assuming?) do not trump MIL.

I'm sorry but MIL has just lost the man she loves and has spent a lifetime with. I think she needs to be given some slack.

I'm sorry for your family's loss OP but I do think it would be massive insensitive to take a baby to a funeral when your MIL has asked you not to.

She can’t demand attendance, as you rightly say. But what she can do is ask that her family respect her wishes that she doesn’t want the possibility of a crying baby to interrupt the funeral, and hope that they understand. And I don’t agree that DHs’loyalty should be to his daughter. Not at his father’s funeral. His support should be focused on his mother. If he’s doing the readings, there’s nothing stopping anyone else from comforting his daughter - up to and including MIL, if she’s the one asking for her to be there - if the OP decides not to attend. I agree that the timing could have been better, but trust me, there is so much to do after your partner dies, that it makes your head spin, and you’re trying to cope with it all at a time when all you want is to die yourself and be with them. It’s not rocket science.

OP I haven't RTFT as it's 400 posts long but would it be an option for someone to come with you but they stay outside with the baby whilst you go into the service? I wouldn't bother with the wake though, I'd go home with both children straight after and I'd start distancing myself from her. I bet she's grieving but she's worried her own grandchild is going to steal the show? Fucking batshit.

YABU

You claim no child care then say you have friends who would but you haven't bothered to ask them.

You cannot and should not take a bloody baby to a funeral, I'm also not sure why posters are caught up on the 'steal the show' comment, it's clearly meant in terms of crying, making a noise and distracting from the very purpose of the day

It's well known there is a hierarchy of grief, your MIL is at the Center therefore her wishes trump your DHs, the very fact he is causing shit about this at such a time shows him in a very poor light.

Ask one of your friends to look after the baby and go.

I don't think you can go against her express wishes.
Does older child desperately want to go?
One possibility is asking DH to call and explain that if she really doesn't want baby to go that's fine, but it means you and older DC won't be there either as older DC needs parental support in a vulnerable situation and he will be understandably tied up. (and grieving too - don't underestimate the shock of seeing your parents vulnerable and crying, it can make children very upset. Totally part of life and am important lesson, but I'm in agreement with you that he would need a less closely grieving parent or relative there to support, eg you or say another grandparent)

And this wins the internet for the nastiest, most moronic post of the thread. You’re actually advocating that a member of MIL’s family distance themselves from her at the worst time in her life, and when she most needs support ? She isn’t worried her grandchild is going to steal the show, that’s probably just her badly worded way of saying she doesn’t want the focus on the baby, when the focus, rightly, should be on her late husband. Do you not get that grief messes with your head ? Do you not get that she has one chance only to say goodbye in the way she wants ? I suggest MIL isn’t the one that’s Fucking batshit.

@Rosscameasdoody

His loyalty should be with his daughter, as he's likely going to be the only parent she has present. It would be different if mum was also attending.

You can't expect an 11 year old to sit without a parent at a close family members funeral, and you certainly can't expect the widow to be the one left to comfort her.

Widow or not you don't get to dictate to people when and how they grieve, she needs to decide if its more important to her that granddaughter attends or thwt the baby doesn't.

I've been married for decades and I think it would be as big a loss for my kids as for me if my husband died. I certainly wouldn't be issuing orders or worrying that my GC was going to "steal the show." I'm not sure what the show is, is she worried she won't get enough attention or something?

I don't think that MIL gets to decide who comes to the funeral actually. It's for anyone and everyone who feels they want or need to attend to pay their respects etc to your FIL.
I also don't think there is anything wrong with babies at funerals (or weddings for that matter :D ). On the contrary, I think that it's comforting and appropriate. It doesn't distract from anyone's grief.
So if you and DH both want your baby to be there, then your baby should be there.

Rosscameasdoody, the mil is the one doing the distancing

Ask a friend or a school mum if desperate to meet you outside the church and walk the baby around in the pram or find a park or something for the service. You will be close in case of emergency and able to attend. Take the baby to the wake.

Depends on your relationship with mil I guess. She could use it as a stick to beat you with either way. "You went against my wishes and brought your baby to the funeral" or "@KristinaYang didn't show up to my husband's funeral, she's so selfish."

I think I'd be going along to support my husband and elder child, and if that meant the baby had to come to then so be it. But be prepared to make a quick exit if baby makes noise.

A bit fuxki g late to be telling g you this!
My DS 6 months and DD 3 went to my mums funeral and they were a delight for everyone!

DD was at my dads at 2 years just and again she helped lighten the mood and everyone to see the next generation

But it's your DH's call/conversation.

Your DH will have to explain to MIL that due to lack of childcare arrangements it is simply not possible to agree to what she wants. Either you all go, or he will have to go alone - then let her decide.

We had to take baby DS to a funeral and it was lovely. Of course he didn't steal the show, but people loved seeing this affirmation of life continuing.

From some of your comments about MIL's attitude to the baby I think you have trouble ahead, so good luck with that!

If grandmother and granddaughter are close, they can comfort each other. Look, it’s simple. Maybe it is short notice, but I simply don’t believe that no one is available to look after the baby for a couple of hours. And at EVERY funeral I have ever been to, the widow has been of paramount importance, for reasons which I have stated often here. Everyone else goes back to their own lives after the funeral - including her DH - she goes home to start her life alone. A bit of fucking empathy wouldn’t go amiss.

But MIL says the eldest must go and the youngest mustn't so how can the OP respect that if she hasn't got childcare?

She’s grieving, cut her some slack.

rather as his wife and child?

Is that a sentiment you think appears in most MN posts?

Clearly, "steal the show" means making noise. Then you have to decide whether to sit there and let it continue, or get up and leave. Both will mean disrupting and distracting people during prayers and readings. It's so unnecessary.