MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

No it doesn’t. Her husband is the son of the deceased. His feelings and grief are not trumped by his mother. He has every right to grieVe for his father in the way he feels is appropriate to him. If that includes having his wife beside him to give him support at the funeral of his father, and by default that means baby comes too, that is his prerogative. If that means he wants his own older dc there and therefore his wife is needed to help that dc, then babe comes too. Tough,

funeral services are public. It’s not a party thrown by his mother who can pick and choose who is there. Not her call. Anyone can rock up. only if church is full or they are creating a disturbance can the officiant ask people who are not immediate family or friends to move or be thrown out.

If the baby cries mum can step back into vestry to calm it done and then return

The mother may be grieving but this is just ott…what grandmother says her grandchild will “steal the show”? It isnt a bloody show. Is she going to show off her grief to everyone (poor me) and that it trumps everyone else’s or to say goodbye to her husband with dignity and genuine grief. Especially given she is ok with other GC there.

my father tired to determined everything about my mothers funeral and remembrance. He was unhappily married. Just 7 weeks after my mums funeral he had a new partner. Never asked me or my siblings how we felt about loosing out mum, or how we were doing. He got very pissed off when his children didn’t want to eliminate all memories of their mother within 3 months of her dying.
spouses of deceased girl I’ve very differently from their children. It takes an incredibly selfish and emotionally immature parent not to recognise that or someone who is suffering from some form of mental incapacity

I took my 3mo DD to my grandad's funeral because I didn't have any childcare options.

Church or wherever I should have said. She can only dictate who can go to the “wake” as that is not a public ceremony,

YABU . I really don’t think that babies should be at funerals. It was never the “done thing” when I was younger but it seems to be more acceptable now. I went to a funeral recently where a baby howled through most of the eulogy until it was eventually taken out. Go with your MIL’s wishes and then go to the wake after with the baby if you can.

Yes, she does. She’s the widow. She’s probably done the majority of the funeral planning and she only gets one chance to say goodbye to her life partner. The son should remember that while he goes home to his wife and children after the funeral, his mother will be going home to an empty house to start her life without her husband. His priority at the funeral should be supporting his mum - it’s about respect.

Why the bloody hell would you want to take a baby to a funeral?

Why can’t he put his wants “above” his mother? He was his father son. His mother does not dictate how he grieves or pays his respects. That is entirely his call. Sure, in most cases the 2 are not in conflict but she does not have a monopoly on everyone’s grief. Only hers.

I don’t think it’s so much that she wants to take the baby to the funeral, it’s that she wants to support her husband at his fathers funeral and doesn’t have a babysitter.

This is without a doubt the most bitter and nasty post on what is essentially a nasty and selfish thread. I’m sorry your father behaved the way he did, but that is totally irrelevant to what’s going on here. MIL is not a selfish and emotionally immature parent, she is a grieving widow, whose family are trying to railroad her into something she doesn’t want at her husbands’ funeral. It’s beyond me why some people can’t, or don’t want to understand that this is the worst time in her life and instead of being difficult, her son should be supporting her.

YANBU and I'm sorry that you are in a difficult position. In your position I would keep 11yo at home with you and baby while DH attends the funeral service, and then take them both to the wake. This way MIL cannot be upset by any 'distractions' during the service, but I think the whole family will find the presence of your children a very welcome distraction during the wake. We did something similar for my grandad's funeral a couple of months ago, and it worked very well for us.
I appreciate that MIL has requested that your 11yo be present for the service, however, you are their mother and if you're not comfortable with them being there without you then that is the end of the matter.

This is without a doubt the most bitter and nasty post on what is essentially a nasty and selfish thread. I’m sorry your father behaved the way he did, but that is totally irrelevant to what’s going on here. MIL is not a selfish and emotionally immature parent, she is a grieving widow, whose family are trying to railroad her into something she doesn’t want at her husbands’ funeral. It’s beyond me why some people can’t, or don’t want to understand that this is the worst time in her life and instead of being difficult, her son should be supporting her.

👏🏼

So many peoples selfishness is evident.

I'm not sure funerals are the place for babies rreally. I would respect your mil wishes here for the sake of harmony in your wider family as I'm sure ye won't be thanked by the rest of his family by bringing the baby against the mil wishes.

As far as I can see she’s not ‘dictating’ anything. And her sons’ wants and needs at the funeral DO NOT come before those of his mother. When my father died, the only thing I cared about was supporting my mother, who was utterly broken, through the service and help her get some closure. I’ve said this a few times now, but the son is going home to his wife and family. His mother is going home to an empty house to start her life without her husband. Whatever she wants for his funeral - the one and only chance she will have to say goodbye in the way she has planned - should be respected. There are some arseholes on this thread.

Ah, you again.

You'll excuse me if i dont allow you to just shut down everything i say.

Could you explain how im being daft?

Could you show me proof where OP has said they are the only generation to know how to raise children, or how special or unique DH thinks he is?

@Rosscameasdoody

Yes she's grieving, and if she'd prefer it child free then so be it. But she cant demand attendance.

His loyalty should be to his daughter, who'd be sat alone for the majority of a funeral because his DM has demanded she go but her own mother can't.

Dh should be saying to his mother that they're either going as a family or he's going alone. Its not fair to have his daughter sat alone at a funeral while he's doing ths majority of the readings.

Sorry you've had a hammering - I think your post is entirely reasonable.

How horrible to call some one else's grief bitter and nasty

Exactly

@Rosscameasdoody

OP has literally said above that MIL has dictated that her daughter aged 11 goes to the funeral, that she has said that she has to be there as she was close to her grandad.

Also said is thst she has no childcare so if grandson can't attend then she can't.

She's also said that DH is doing the majority of readings, so if she doesn't go DD will be sat alone, aged 11, for the majority of her grandads funeral.

No matter how much she's grieving it's not something MIL should be able to demand.

Sounds like there are few things going on, past unresolved issues with MIL not treating @KristinaYang children the same, the MIL making the strange comment about the OP’s child ‘stealing the show’ that based on that she treats the baby differently seems a bit of a dig than a faux pas, MIL making the unreasonable but understandable request for the baby not to attend, but given the op was not given any notice the MIL doesn’t have a leg to stand on insisting the OP brings the older child when she can’t find a sitter, the child will be upset and without his mum there next to him to comfort him.

Having been a young child that had to go to the funerals of my father, younger brother, god father and granny all around age 11, if I’d not had my mum there to hold my hand at those funerals it would be unbearable.

I get the mils grief making her unreasonable, but she will have to compromise, either she gets no children at the funeral (and they both stay home with mum) or they both attend.

I find the line "stealing the show" awful and if she really said this is such a strange thing to say. Aside from this I think taking a baby to a funeral is inappropriate or in fact small children in general. We attended funerals when both were babies and didn't even consider taking them.

The DH needs to man up. Is he some kind of wuss? Agree with the poster saying that his priority should be his mother's grief and supporting her. Not about his own perceived need for a personal support system that includes an 11 month old wailer. The OP is a bit part player on this particular stage. The MIL probably won't care, or even notice, if she's there or not.