MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

This is a real dilemma for you as you want to support your dh by being with your older dd when he is doing his readings. But I can understand - I'm a widow- that you want to respect your MIL's wishes and the baby won't remember anything about the funeral.

When my df died he was buried the same week, just over a week after my dh died. So I think you have to say to dh that as neither of you want to upset his dm unless he's able to persuade her of the importance of you being there to support them both you'll have to stay at home with the baby. It's a pity you can't take someone with you to take the baby for a walk during the service

Or be the bigger person and sort out some childcare if you can. Why set your DH and his mum against each other at the worst time possible ? She has maybe left it a bit late, but you have to make allowances for her not thinking straight at this time. You also have to respect her wishes.

We had newborn twins when a close aunt died. I knew it was totally inappropriate to take them to the service so dh stayed with dc in a nearby relative’s home, I travelled to the funeral with the immediate family and dh met us an hour later at the reception after.

Your mil wants her husband’s funeral to be perfect and not risk having a screaming baby in the middle so people can’t hear the readings she’s planned so lovingly in her grief. Your dh has lost his dad but he will come home to you, his family, mil will return to her empty home filled with memories with her life partner gone. I actually think her wishes are not crazy or selfish, just how she feels. It doesn’t need to make sense to you, you just need to be respectful and compassionate.

It's between your DH and his mum,stay out of it.

I agree that it's her day as it were but she sounds perculiar.

Ordering who can and can't be there!

I would assume "steal the show" actually means she doesn't want the potential of a baby crying, or indeed making loud happy comments during the ceremony.

Also a baby is not going to be any support for your dh, but if you go with the baby, you will be less support as you will be looking after them.
Either find a babysitter or stay at home with baby.

Some really horrible comments on this thread. I can’t believe people are literally fighting with each other.

OP is torn and trying to do the very best she can to support all of her family.

There are plenty of cultures where babies are welcomed at funerals, and plenty where they aren’t. (From a bit of interested spin off research, it seems that the mid 19th century was when some elements of U.K. society started more exclusive funerals, becoming effectively “by invitation” with the concept of a “chief mourner”. It was a fashion adopted following the death of Prince Albert. Prior to that it was all welcome across the board, usually everyone in a congregation, old and young.)

I don't know - given I'm from a culture with billions of us, and known for being very family oriented, and we have no issues with babies at funerals, I think the state of the world and future generations will be just fine. Soz, but it seems that your narrow view of etiquette and what's acceptable may need a re-think. It's ok to have your own perceptions of right or wrong - it's NOT OK to insult others who don't automatically share that view. Given DH clearly doesn't share it with his own mother, safe to say it's not something even they agree on in whatever culture theirs is.

Could you ask a friend to meet you there, take the baby for a walk in the pram and meet you after the service. You could then all be together afterwards. It’s not asking as much from a friend if they literally know you’re just a short walk away.

I don’t agree with MIL but I think you need to abide by her wishes. I’d try and get someone to care for baby just for length of funeral. You just need someone to push baby in pram for 30 mins.
You must have friends or mum friend from dc 1 school or activities. Older teens have done after exams has anyone you know got a 16 year old at a lose end.
If you can I’d try to be there for dc 1 and DH.
Dont be embarrassed to ask for help most people would help you in the circumstances.

This

All of which is totally irrelevant. What is relevant is that the widow, who after all is the one who will be saying goodbye to her life partner and attempting to come to terms with it, doesn’t want the baby at the funeral. It may be irrational, it may come from a place of grief affecting her judgement. It doesn’t matter. Her wishes should be respected.

Could not agree more.

I’m sure my brains weren’t this fried when considering whether the perfectly formed fruit of my loins should be a squawking wriggling mood lightening ray of funeral sunshine for everyone to admire

@Lola4321 - but it is the overwhelming understanding of most people that babies shouldn't be at funerals. This is basic common sense, courtesy and etiquette. That this even needs to be explained shows how disrespectful the current generation is.

It is not "the overwhelming understanding of most people that babies shouldn't be at funerals" in my world. Most funerals I've been at have had children, particularly family children and babies. What is common sense, courtesy and etiquette is to take them outside if they start to make noise.

Not sure if coming up on 60 counts as being one of the "current generation" but would suspect I've been to a lot more funerals than most of the posters on here.

While this has been my experience, I understand others have different experiences and expectations so expecting people to know what I'm thinking and would have a conversation if I had any particular expectations. Seems like the mil made her feelings clear on the older dc's attendance, although it's not clear when she did that.

"Why set your DH and his mum against each other at the worst time possible ? "

She's not set anyone against each other.

Mother and son have differing views and left Op in the middle.

I imagine the Op wants to please them both.

But its not for the Op to decide what should happen.

Mother & son have to come to an agreement. The Op then follows their decision.

My 5 m old went to my dad’s funeral with me and was a big source of comfort to my mum and people on the day. It never crossed my mind not to take her. The difference was my mum wanted her there.

Yes, I don't know how anyone can get into a competition about who is grieving the most with an elderly parent facing a bereaved, lonely future without another body in the house. Who may wake up in the months to come and spend days with only themselves and the TV for company.

This. MIL wishes trump anyone else's. Honestly, some people on here are showing how truly self centred they are.

If you can get childcare do it. I say this from experience! I arranged childcare for my two - toddler and baby - but MIL really really really wanted them at the funeral (their uncle, MIL's son). She adored little kids/ babies and I think was just so distraught she wanted them as a distraction. I did not want to bring them as I knew I would be wrangling two little ones alone during the service. I said a definite no to the two year old but agreed to the baby. She was a very tranquil baby generally. But she was very restless and wanted a feed and I didn't feel okay breastfeeding her in the front pew of a packed very large catholic church. Spent most of the wedding sitting on a bench outside the church with all the guests who couldn't find space inside. Pretty much missed the whole thing but there was no way I was going to interrupt the service for others with a crying baby. So all in all hugely stressful and I missed the majority of the service and being able to support DH who had lost his brother. Get childcare!

Think how ‘peculiar’ you would feel if you’d just lost your life partner. No one can possibly think straight at a time like that. She’s not ordering who can and cannot be there - she just doesn’t want the possibility of a crying baby interrupting the service she has planned to say goodbye to her husband, and which she only gets to do once. Whatever her motives, her wishes should be respected.

@Lola4321 Really? You are really comparing a family funeral with a public hanging?

I think your DH needs to put his foot down and speak with MIL.

What she wants juatvisbt possible, either you all go (baby is kept quiet, either via bribes or naps and taken out if he gets loud) or just DH goes.

While she can invite people, she doesn't have the right to say who has to bevthere.

You need to stay home with the baby and respect her wishes. It isn’t the time for DH to steamroller in disregarding the widow. I’ve never known anyone to bring a baby to a funeral anyway. It’s a sad occasion and the baby doesn’t need to pay respects. Your DH sounds a selfish man to put his wants above his mothers at this time.

That’s exactly what would happen. And I was suggesting that she rise above it all and arrange childcare to solve the situation. The son and his mother disagree on whether the baby should be there. The son has lost his father, but his mother has lost her husband. She only gets to say goodbye to him once and if she doesn’t want to take the chance of a carefully planned service being interrupted by a crying baby, her wishes should be respected.