MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Speaking with experience - I’m a widow. It’s not about who gets to dictate what or who pays for what. And a father paying for a wedding is not remotely the same thing. This is the worst day of MIL’s life. She has lost her life partner - at the end of the funeral DH is going home to his wife and family. MIL is going home to an empty house to contemplate the rest of her life without her husband. FFS have a bit of compassion. If she doesn’t want something - anything - on the day of the funeral, then her wishes should be respected.

My DD was almost 2 when her granddad died and she came to the funeral with me, I had drinks and snacks for her for the service which was about 20mins or so. She’s been fed before we left home and tbh if shed started crying or anything I’d have taken for a walk outside.
She wore a pretty white dress with little flowers on, she never wore it again.

I think it’s your call. I also think your MIL is is in the wrong to tell you not to bring the baby because she’ll be a distraction. Can honestly say mine was a welcome distraction at the wake as she went round giving everyone cherry tomatos!! my 14 year old DS chose not to go to the wake and if it bothered anyone they didn’t say so to me. I would not have left my kids out. The days is hard enough.

“Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.”

^Steal the show? She sounds batshit crazy

Agree totally with this

Yes, I don't know how anyone can get into a competition about who is grieving the most with an elderly parent facing a bereaved, lonely future without another body in the house. Who may wake up in the months to come and spend days with only themselves and the TV for company.

Erm I'm not assuming DH or his mother are from different cultures. YOU are assuming they are from a culture that doesn't allow babies at funerals. I am assuming they are likely to be from a culture where babies at funerals are acceptable, that's why they decided to do it? Not because they're just dickheads out to piss everyone off? I'd love to know where you have a list of what cultures allow babies at funerals, and which don't, to determine that most do. What a load of crock.

Haven’t read the full thread, but widow’s wishes trump everyone else’s. If she has a problem with the baby that gets dealt with later. For now - no baby ( and therefore no you) at the funeral unless you can find a friend to help out.

Leave the baby with a trusted friend or neighbour. It's only for a couple of hours.
My aunt died when DC1 was 4 months old and still breastfed and i couldn't leave with family as they were all at funeral. I left her with a friend who had 3 kids so was well experienced. It was fine.
You can go to the service then the wake for a very short time then you and 11 year old leave. DH can stay on.

FFS, of course being the widow trumps everything !! When you lose your spouse, you don’t just lose the person, you lose your whole way of life and the future you thought you would have with that person - at whatever age. Being older doesn’t somehow make the grief any less keenly felt. The son isn’t going home to an empty house - he’s going home to his wife and family. The MIL is going home to an empty house and has to adjust to the loss of everything she had that was comforting and familiar and has to learn how to do a lot of things alone. I am absolutely shocked and disgusted at the lack of empathy from some on this thread and that first line in your reply is the most harsh and tactless I’ve seen for a long time. If you don’t know that a widow is the one person who will be most affected by the loss of their life partner, I pray you never find out for real.

“Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.”

^Steal the show? She sounds batshit crazy

how about a bit of empathy for someone in the throes of grief? It isn’t a time known for rational thought. She may have not have been able to find the words she meant.

This.

I wouldn’t take any child under 10 to a funeral. It’s inappropriate I think - I went to one when I was seven and it scarred me forever. I’m 39 and I can’t think about it without crying.

But your MIL is very weird with the “steal the show” comment.

To save argument just pay a babysitter.

My advice?
Leave it up to DH and MIL to thrash out. Keep well out of it.

Make sure any final decision is clearly, absolutely and known by everyone to be nothing to do with you OP, and that you will comply with the final decision made by them. Because these things can fester for years, seemingly forgotten, and then bite you unfairly on the arse!

Things can get turned around weirdly over time. Guilt. Regret. Re-writing the past. I've seen it happen. Don't let there be any way in 5 years time MIL or DH can say ''Remember how Kristina pushed for having a baby at Bob's/Dad's funeral ....''

I’d get someone to look after the baby, your Mil has just lost her husband I’d go with what she wanted! I don’t like the comment about the baby stealing the show that’s a very odd thing to say! I’d try and arrange a babysitter surely someone you trust can look after the little one,

Do as your MIL wishes and privately roll your eyes if you disagree with her.
This is not the time to be awkward and contradict her.
You will be setting up a bad relationship and resentment for years to come, and other people will take her side because you overrode her wishes.
Just don't be that person.

Right. So given you think it's standard practice to not have babies at funerals, I googled to see what the experts say.

www.funeralpartners.co.uk/help-advice/attending-a-funeral/should-children-go-to-funerals/#:~:text=Firstly%2C%20there%20is%20no%20%E2%80%9Crule,kids%20are%20allowed%20to%20attend.

"Firstly, there is no “rule” when it comes to children attending a funeral. Some grieving family members prefer children not to attend as they worry they’ll be a distraction from the ceremony, but in most cases kids are allowed to attend."

Given MIL is happy to have one child there, there was never a blanket rule on no children/babies/whatever it is. Given the baby in question is her grandchild, not some random, if she didn't want it there she could have told them a lot sooner.

MIL can absolutely decide she doesn't want a baby at her funeral but deciding that last minute was inconsiderate to her son who is also grieving and does not need this unnecessary stress of sorting out childcare the day before. You are extremely unworldly and ignorant to think the way YOU do a funeral is the way everyone in the UK does it. It's 2021, we let the immigrants in a long time ago, that means they come with their own customs and traditions too.

You are Billy Bangent and I claim my £5

How about just grieving the loss of her husband and not thinking straight. I really, really hope you never find out what the loss of your life partner can do to you, because it sounds as though you wouldn’t cope if you confuse batshit crazy with grieving. Christ.

Agree with MIL, a funeral is a difficult time for her, I wouldnt want a potentially howling kid there either, respect her wishes.

I completely agree; if you can’t get a babysitter for half an hour then you can’t go.

I’m genuinely appalled that there are people who are so self-centred on this thread.

I hope to god neither of my children choose people like them to go through their lives with.

Unfathomable and utterly contemptible.

Absolutely spot on.

Not weird - jut grieving.