MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

Says who?Who says she will be the most affected?

I don't think its the 'same' but I dont think one trumps the other.

Because she’s next of kin and paying for the whole shebang

just for a start

DH goes alone. I think that is your only option. Gently tell mil in advance that as you have to stay home with the baby, dd cannot come either as she cannot sit alone without her parents during the service because she will be upset, especially when dh is reading she can’t sit alone.

Wow - of course the spouse is going to be feeling it more than anyone else. And of course you don't take a baby to a funeral. That is really not appropriate on so many levels.

You all go, or if not, you stay at home with baby and 11 year old (but poor DH).

A funeral is for everyone who loved the deceased to gather and grieve together. So often a surviving partner or parent tries to exclude people, tries to sanitise the reality of those close to the deceased. It's a vile thing to do.

Look at the research on how bereavement/loss of a spouse affects elderly people.

For my grandmother, it was the beginning of the end. My mother (who still had her spouse and children) would never have been so crass as to argue that she was more affected than my grandmother or to disregard her wishes. She had a whole intact busy life to go back to.

It’s not your choice to make.

It’s not your husband’s choice to make.

It’s his mother’s, and she’s been very clear.

Do what she asks, gracefully and without rancour (considering an 11 month old won’t remember it, won’t understand it, and will be no practical comfort to anyone there), instead of digging your heels in and being the instigators of a rift that will likely never fully resolve.

My nannan died when my DS was 18m old. I could've taken him but didn't want to ruin it for my family and my nannan's siblings etc. My DH stayed at home with him and brought him to the wake. It worked well, even though I was very close to my nannan and DH knew her very well. It was the best thing to do.

Don't be an idiot. This is the UK where there are THOUSANDS of cultures, religions, final rites, family types - maybe something you aren't aware of? In fact, do you even know what culture/religion OP and DH and their families are from? Plenty of cultures welcome babies at funerals. Mine certainly does, and I'm Catholic. And the way a wake is a party and piss up in some cultures would horrify others where it's all about grieving at loud volumes.

MIL can absolutely decide she doesn't want a baby at her funeral but deciding that last minute was inconsiderate to her son who is also grieving and does not need this unnecessary stress of sorting out childcare the day before. You are extremely unworldly and ignorant to think the way YOU do a funeral is the way everyone in the UK does it. It's 2021, we let the immigrants in a long time ago, that means they come with their own customs and traditions too.

MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show

Were these her actual words? Did she really say the baby 'is not welcome' or something else, like 'don't bring the baby' perhaps? Might she have said something about the baby possibly disturbing the congregation rather than 'steal the show'?

Is she? where does it say that?

And does that mean she gets to dictate it?

If a father pays for a wedding does he get to dictate it?

This is so peculiar to me.

There have been several family funerals in my time and the idea a child would be unwelcome is utterly alien.

DH’s uncle died very sadly a few days after DS was born. We took him to the funeral (2 weeks old) and he was a lovely distraction - DH’s aunt would’ve been so upset if we hadn’t brought him.

When my mum died the last thing I was thinking of was whether people would be focused enough on her - it was HER funeral - it couldn’t be about anyone else.

OP - I’d stay away but I’d be fairly confused by the whole thing.

Because he may be DH’s dad but he was MIL’s husband. She’s lost her life partner and the grief may or may not be playing a part in her decision - either way it’s her decision and it should be respected.

The utter contempt shown to an older woman who has just lost her husband is eye-opening.
So if the OP had just lost her husband, his mother's grief would be just as 'valid' would it? Anyone suggesting that would be ripped apart, yet it's the same hierarchy of grief.
I am convinced those on MN honestly think that their generation is the only one that matters, the only one that suffers (see thread on here about not being able to afford lifestyle) and the only one that has all the answers. They are certainly the only generation that knows how to raise children, if MN is, anything to go on.
I think years of pumping children full of how important they are, how unique they are and how special they are ends in situations such as the op's - utterly self-absorbed and unable to see why their needs and wishes shouldn't trump everyone else's - even the grieving widow's

When we, including my SILs and BILs, lost my dad we did anything my mum wanted, whether it seemed reasonable or unreasonable, insignificant, or simply just not the way we would have chosen to do it. All that mattered was mum. Just to try to make it as smooth as possible for her and let her know we understood the enormity of her loss and impact it would have on her life.

It is so alien to me to think any mature adult would do anything less for their so recently bereaved parent.

When we then lost mum, a few years later, it was such a strange, lost feeling not having someone there to put our energies into supporting. There was no comfort in being able to do it exactly how we wanted.

There is no such thing as hierarchy of grief. Every single person is different, so there's no point relying on research.

I think the only option would be for you and the bay not to go. If there is a relative other than your mother in law that can sit with and support your elder child then he should go, if not I think he should also stay home with you.
All those people suggesting you ask a friend or get a babysitter that's not that simple at 9.30 in the morning.

I do hope you can find someone so last minute to baby sit though.
Funerals are like that, oddly enough. Not much advance warning... 🤦‍♀️

yes, of course it would be just as valid!

You are literally making things up in your last few sentences.

Because it’s her husband who has died?

Don't be daft @beautyisthefaceisee

I am amazed at some of the comments here. Perhaps a widows perspective might help? When my husband died I didn’t know which way was up. I couldn’t get warm, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My brain was mush. My children were marvellous but they were old enough to have their own partners whose arms they could lie in and sob. The person I wanted most in the world to be there for me was the one who wasn’t there. I soon realised how selfish grief is, as friends came round to pay condolences, ending up sobbing at how much they would miss him - and I ended up comforting them! Some of the comments were incredibly insensitive - ‘ I know how you feel because my cat died‘ was one. Really? Your cat equates to my beloved - someone I was with from my teens, and to whom I bore two children? The day of the funeral was horrendous. I felt sick, dizzy - and the best gift I was given that day was a very welcome Imodium. I still don’t know how I got through it, especially during the service when his sister and cousins - who hadn’t bothered to contact him for 18 years ( it was always me sending the letters and phoning) were sitting sobbing behind me. So please, whatever your mil has said, please bear in mind she is probably a confused mess inside, and barely holding it together. She just put it badly. That’s what grief does. Your husband is grieving of course, but his daily life will continue as before. Hers is shattered forever. All those memories they shared and talked about together are gone. She will be alone probably for the rest of her life. Believe me, it’s tough. The widows club is a club of sorrow.

I dont think it’s anything to do with liking one child more than another. It’s everything to do with their age, with coping, and getting through the service. An 11 year old understands, knows how to behave, offers a handhold - a baby simply cannot do that. I’d have been terrified of a baby crying in a service where you are barely hanging in to start with.

Your husband is dealing with his grief in his way. It’s a tough situation. In fact children never used to be allowed to go to funerals. Aged 12 I was desperate to go to my much loved grandmothers funeral, but in those days it wasn’t allowed. Things have changed of course, but a funeral still demands respect. My father died very soon after my husband, and my baby grandson came to the funeral. It was fine. But I could not have coped with him at my husbands funeral, even loving him dearly, because I’d have been on edge the whole time in case he cried.

Grief is selfish. It’s difficult. If you really can’t get a sitter - and folks usually rally round in these times - I would suggest cutting mil some slack, letting husband go with 11 year old, and just sitting outside , or going for a walk, with the baby. That way you can respect Mil’s wishes and still support your husband,. You’ll probably find once the stress of the actual service is over things will relax a little. My condolences to you all.

You plan a funeral the day before it happens? On a Saturday? Because that's what notice has been given to OP and DH.