MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

MIL probably didn't mean to say " steal the show" but grief itself is distracting enough when it's raw

I wouldn't take a baby to a funeral.

But I think a 11 year old can sit with another family member for the minutes or so it takes to do a reading. Even if your DH is doing more than one reading, it can't be more than a few minutes in total.

As for not taking as much interest in the baby, give it time. Babies are boring compared with older children. Also MIL is a decade older.

Lola - no need to shout

Your MIL's wishes should be followed. Find a babysitter. You must have some friends or family willing to do that just for the short period of the service.

I took dd (13 months) to my nan’s funeral but dh ended up missing most of it, because she was making too much noise, and he had to sit outside with her. The main reason I took her was because anyone who would normally babysit was at the funeral and we didn’t have anyone else to leave her with. In hindsight, I would definitely not have taken up her but dh was actually as close to my nan as I was and he was quite sad he missed a lot of the service.

I went to a funeral when I was a toddler. Not sure its the times, more different family culture

When did this 'bring babies to funerals' start? Is it just that this day's generation lacks an idea of what is appropriate and weren't taught etiquette?

In fairness some families have always welcomed little ones at funerals, but I agree that some of the "me" generation seem to lack any understanding about how the children should be expected to behave

Not suggesting OP's one of these of course - just answering your general point

It's not a competition! Out of interest, can we assume that the widow will be expecting support from her son post the funeral, despite the fact she has decided his feelings are irrelevant for it?

It's such a silly comparison. I Have a friend who lost his wife who has found happiness again, whereas another one never coped again after losing her dad. Everyone is different, and the comparison is just pointless.

Op I'm wondering if the reason FIL didn't want to see the baby much was because it would have been too painful to get to know and love them, knowing they would have no memory of him?

Ditto your MIL - seeing her husband build a relationship with a child who wouldn't remember him may have been too hard.

I can understand why she doesn't want a baby at the funeral - I think she is right that people will focus on the baby - it's much easier than sitting with the grief and sadness.

If you can, see if someone can have the baby. If not then speak to your MIL and explain older one can't come without you and you can't go without baby. Hopefully she will understand.

I'm not sure MIL 'trumps' anyone else, it's a sensitive time and all those involved are grieving, including the DH. Grief stealing is not on.

It's interesting MIL says older child "must" be there but the baby absolutely must not.

Presumably she is assuming OP is just able to jump to these demands.

I think I'd find someone, either a friend or paid for sitter who could watch the baby during the service. Perhaps at the location for the wake.

I'd take the baby to the wake.

Both MiL and DH are allowed to have their feelings considered here. Baby not at service but at wake is a good compromise.

Of course she does. She's the widow and the only person in this scenario who has lost their life partner and their life as they knew it.

Astonished that anyone wants to argue that.

Funerals only last about half an hour - 45 minutes ish so could a friend sit outside in the car with the baby?
My DS was 13 months at his brothers funeral and was as good as gold, not a peep out of him except when he waved and said "bye bye" when the coffin was committed. It's not a guarantee that baby would be any bother at all.

I’m disgusted by some of the responses you’ve had on here tbh.
Your DH has just as much say, he has lost his father, while I completely understand how grief can affect people (I lost my father at 15 and my daughter passed away at 29wks so she was stillborn) I can honestly say after reading this.

go with DH on this one, your MIL may well be saying things at this time and not realising how she is coming across, grief can very much affect people, but your DH is grieving also and your MIL needs to understand that.

not once when I read your post did I think “why is she making this about the baby” so I don’t understand why people are jumping on you here! You’ve come on here to ask and tbh I don’t blame you! It’s a very tricky situation and in situations like this it’s very difficult as naturally you don’t want to upset anyone.

if this was me, with your DH needing to do readings etc I would suggest keeping the children at home and your DH go, unless MIL is going to allow baby there to, not everyone is lucky enough to have a babysitter on standby! You’ve stated there’s no other alternative childcare and obviously his family Will be attending this funeral so it leaves not much choices.

yes, your MIL is grieving but with the funeral being tomorrow I would suggest your DH trying to reason with MIL about baby coming, it’s a shame for you to not be able to attend to say final goodbyes and naturally your 11 year old to, baby is just as important as your other child and the only person here who looks like she has an issue with one child is your MIL.

pick your battles wisely, let DH reason with her and explain circumstances. MIL needs to understand she is not the only one who has lost a loved one here and at times like this family pull together. I am sorry for the loss of your FIL!xx

Tell her you can’t get childcare and unless the baby comes, the older child can’t come either as he can’t be left during the service on his own.

The fact your MIL said she didn’t want the baby “taking away the attention” is just dreadful. She sounds horrible.

It’s only last minute because the OP and her DH haven’t got a braincell between them

That doesnt make her the queen of grief, though. Surely she would want to take her family's feeling into account.

I would be upset by what your mil said but I would get someone to look after the baby for the funeral to support your dh and dd.
Then once it's all settled down a bit see what her attitude is then to the baby. I would hope it's just a grief reaction.

Not everyone is interested in babies anyway, I'm sure it's not quite the scene stealer everyone thinks it is

Your DH has just as much say, he has lost his father,

Agreed, and that's terrible for him and of course it's about him too, but personally I do think the spouse's wishes take precedence when someone dies.

She's going to be the one most affected by the grief though. So what if she wants the day to be as she would prefer?

If you look up the effects on elderly people of losing a spouse, it's palpably clear that in most cases it is the widow/er who suffers the most from the loss. Ill-health, social isolation, crushing loneliness and an increased risk of dying themselves etc.

I don't know how people can argue that it is the same for adult children losing a parent. It just isn't, usually.

I don't think anyone's wishes should take precedence. I think they should all support and compromise with each other.