MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

My sibling brought their 4 year old to our dad's funeral. Sibling said it was very important for 4 year old to go as they had been close to dad. As close family, we all sat at the front of the church. During the service, my sibling's 4 year old talked, stood up, kicked things, etc. I couldn't think about my dad, the purpose of the funeral, because sibling's 4 year old was 'stealing the show'. No, the child should not have been there...they distracted too much from thinking about the person who just died.

I think in this instance you need to acquiesce to MIL's wishes. As your DH will be doing a lot of the readings couldn't your older DC sit with MIL? Or are there any other family members, aunts, cousins that your DC can sit next to if it's not possible for them to sit next to their grandmother.

I must admit I wouldn't have wanted to take an 11 month old to the funeral itself in case it started crying, although I don't see a problem with taking them to the wake, if there is one. Would your MIL be ok with you sitting out the service but attending the wake afterwards?

Funeral Blues (”Stop all the clocks”) W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

MIL has said older child must be there (was close to FIL and child does want to go).

Tough. She can insist that your baby isn’t there, but she can’t insist that an upset 11 year old is left in a church pew by himself during his grandfather’s funeral.

Brilliant for you. The widow in this case feels differently.

Anyone that says' oh someone can sort out the baby' does not understand nor know what grief is
Nor is experienced with it

Op would be a douche to insist she takes baby to the funeral
It's the one time it is NOT all about youngest cute babies or toddler generation in a family

It's about the person that died and their closest relative

They didn't expressly ask you to leave the baby behind so how could you have offended them, you said baby behaved perfectly? It's a very different situation to the one in the OP.

Op can stay home

Whatever tensions run between DH & MiL, the run up to the funeral provides fertile ground to bring things matters to a head.

I’d let MiL’s comment about ‘scene stealing’ go for now, it’s not about the baby but something else. She’s just lost her husband after an illness & prolly this has gone on for months, got to grips with the funeral arrangements & now waits for the day when she buries him. It can be a long hard haul & a few sharp words can be overlooked.

However you can, keep yourself & your 11yo in touch with MiL.
Your 11yo is learning about love, loss & attachment, & contact with his Grandmother visiting his Grandparents home will help him come to terms with this. Your DH & his mum need to resolve their differences over time.

An 11 year old is old enough to attend but yes,OP should stay behind with baby. Is there a wake? Could you stay in the car for the service and bring baby to the wake after if so?

As someone who went through the bereavement mill a couple of years ago, I'm getting the impression that some people here are clueless about the nature of grief. With hindsight, I realise I paid little attention that my DD had also lost her father. It was MY loss and that overwhelmed all other feelings. His death was expected, but you never really know the emotional devastation it can bring until it happens. My mother died some 20 years ago. That was painful, but the grief felt very different to the loss of a lifetime companion.
Re the in-laws attitude towards the baby. Maybe the FIL didn't envisage he would be around to see the child grow up, so didn't want to expend time, interest and energy on getting emotionally involved. Maybe the MIL feels the same. However, this is not the time to ask her.
As for all the guff about wailing babies being a joyous sign that life goes on, no. Not when your own life clock seems to have stopped

The whole of his dads side of the family will be there.

The usual hatred for MIL’s raises it’s vile head on MN again.
People do and say ‘odd’ things at times of great stress, like your husband being very unwell and…..oh yes, dying.
MIL’s wishes trump DH’s in this scenario.
Small babies can be a welcome ‘distraction’ at funerals but MIL as ‘chief mourner’ for this one does not want a small baby there.

I've lost a parent and I've lost a dh. There's no comparison.

I'm sorry but mum comes first. She might not be being reasonable (I look back at some of the decisions I made on those first few weeks and wonder what I was thinking) but her feelings matter.

I'd ask a friend to come and take the baby for a walk during the ceremony so that dh can concentrate on his part, you don't have to stress about the baby crying, and MIL's feelings are respected.

It's not 'more important' as such. However, who's going home to an empty house?

Whose life after a little while will carry on largely as normal?

It is logically harder for the spouse than the child in most families

Wow this has put you in such a difficult position OP. MiL is not exactly behaving great, but she's grieving and allowances have to be made, I certainly wouldn't want to override her decision and potentially be accused of ruining what is already going to be a very difficult way. At the same time I imagine DH is going to want you there to support him and your older child.

I would get into one of the various babysitting companies ASAP and arrange to meet them there at the funeral, so they can take baby for a walk during the funeral service. I would also pay for them to be there for the wake in case MiL changes her mind and is happy for baby to join then. If so then fine, you have a spare pair of hands to mind baby so can help and support MiL, if not then they can wait with baby until it's all done.

Having children at funerals varies from family to family and culturally.

I do think culture and the type of funeral does come into it. In the culture I grew up and still live in (Southern US) everyone of any age is welcome at funerals. If babies cry, someone takes them outside.

I initially voted with the OP going with the baby, influenced by how things are where I live. But having thought about it some more, I think that MIL's wishes should be honored, although I do think they are unreasonable and unfair, especially to her son and older grandchild, who also are grieving. But I don't think that the older grandchild, who wants to be there should have to stay home. They just need to find some way to give that child support (standing with Dad while he does readings is a good idea). But again, I am influenced by my own experience. I went to my first funeral at the age of nine. It was for my much-loved sister, and to this day I know it would have increased the depth of my sadness immeasurably not to be allowed to attend.

Why would he be?

He should be at the front with his DGM and his father.

Or other relatives?

I’d keep both children home with you, send DH alone, and then attend the wake (assuming there is one as a family). I agree, you can’t let the 11 year old be without a parent for parts of the service. MIL is entitled to have whoever she wants there, but she can’t simultaneously insist on no baby and 11 year old ‘having’ to be there- you need to support 11yo if they are at the funeral, and if baby isn’t welcome, then MIL needs to understand that 11yo won’t be either.

I'd never take a baby or a child under secondary school age to a funeral. Ever.

Do you have a neighbour who could have them both for an hour?
After the service you can nip and get them quickly
When my DMum died I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old. That's what I did
Relatives loved to see them both afterwards

That's what I said...

I have to say go with MIL on this ocaision too. If you do take baby you will be on pins during the service hoping s/he stays quiet. Whatever MIL's faults I think this day needs to be about her.

Adult children have also known their parent all of their lives, their wishes should also be respected