MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

A fair sentiment if the baby was the neighbour's but it's her grandchild.

My mum did not need all the attention on her at my dad's funeral and everyone came

I'm pretty sure a lot of attention will also go to a crying and grieving 11 year old....Like what do you think is going to happen with the 11 year old cries - her son is just going to ignore his child to support his mother?

And all those saying babies and children can be a distraction at funerals - many chief mourners do not want a distraction at the funeral. They may have put a lot of thought into choosing readings and the eulogy. Many want the funeral to be the focus.
When someone incredibly close to us has died, they only get about a 20 or 30 minute funeral to describe and honour their life. Can you really not give them that small amount of time? Or do you have to be constantly distracted?
I think there is so many disrespectful comments on this thread. As if a funeral does not matter.

I wouldn't take a baby to a funeral. Having said that, my parents didn't take ME to my own sibling's funeral as a child (and I was a fair bit older than your baby!).

But she does seem to have rather sprung this on you by the sounds of it, @KristinaYang? She obviously thought it would have been understood and that you were all on the same page. What will you do if you can't get a babysitter in time?

Her comment about 'scene stealing' is a poor choice of words, but that's what happens when people are grief stricken.

It’s her husband. It is not the time or place to disagree with her

This ^^

It does sound as if there's more going on here, but the run up to the day and the funeral itself really isn't the time to address it

@hotcoldnotsold okay so MIL is on her own.

Tough one. I'm inclined to suggest that your DH finds someone your DS knows well to sit with and for you to stay home with the babe.

Do you understand what no childcare means?

Ask a friend to mind the baby. This is what friends are for, if any friend of mine asked me to mind their 11mo for a few hours tomorrow morning in these circumstances I would do it gladly and i think most people would feel the same.

Deal with mil attitude towards baby another time...

No she is not on her own and I don't know why you think that this is her concern. She has her child attending and no doubt other people of her own - siblings, friends etc. If she was so worried about being alone, she should have said no children allowed. Because when you invite any child, their parents need to focus on them.

As MiL has specifically requested baby does not attend the funeral, I would go with her wishes. I don't know the type of location where the funeral is being held (church, crematorium...?) but is there a waiting area where you could sit with baby without being at the ceremony itself? Perhaps DD could stand with DH when he giving readings so she is not sitting alone?

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter whether we liked babies at funerals, or whether we think us or our parents suffered more wiht deaths, it matters only about OP, DH and MIL. They need to come to a compromise.

I'm not even reading RTFT
I've read your comments OP

Frankly you don't take an 11 month old baby to a somber funeral
That grandchild will not understand as she or he is still a baby

I can't believe you are even considering this. It's heart breaking to lose your husband of umpteen years let alone worry about an unsettled baby during the service. No normal parent would take a bay to a funeral. No caring parent would even take a toddler

I don't need to RTFT to know it is an absolute no and your mil is spot on

Sort out your childcare for this one day that is about your fil and don't be dicks

He's not going home to an empty house and his day-to-day life will remain largely the same. He's not facing loneliness and isolation without his partner.

How do you think MIL will feel going home from her DH's funeral where her wishes were disregarded to a life without him present anymore, while everyone else who insisted on having their way at the funeral because 'their grief was just as important' gets on with their lives?

An 11yo who has a meaningful, friendly & lovely relationship with their grandparents is a wonderful enhancement for each of them. If they want to go to their Grandfather’s funeral, be alongside Grandmother & the rest of the family, so be it. No tussling between the adults should get in the way of this family experience & rite of passage.

Baby of 11months, completely different matter. As people age further & deeper, & after a few grandchildren have come, honestly find baby grandchildren quite boring & relatively unrewarding. There is a limited return in investing interest in new babies when one knows you are unlikely to be around to see them grow up enough to be interesting & engaging. So the lack of interest in baby may also due to your PILs circumstances including his being unwell & weary before his last illness. My point is that they don’t dislike or not love your baby enough, it’s more a matter of timing. Please do not take their seeming lack of interest personally.

Understandably your DH is grieving for his father & possibly deflecting his feelings by focusing on something small, but MiL has precedence & as others have pointed out she is saying goodbye to the man she loved & will go home without him whereas your DH goes home with his family. There is an ordinance to respecting widows & then children.

Can you find someone who can have baby for a few hours so that you, DH & DC can go to both the funeral & reception?

Don't take the baby. It's only appropriate to have a baby if they're expressing wanted there by all the immediate family. Even then, a breastfed under 6 month old. I would find childcare. Have you no friends or school mums who'd watch them for an hour?

I think it has to be what MIL wants. Having children at funerals varies from family to family and culturally. So young the child will not be able to remember not going and this is not the time to force the issue. Get through the funeral and then discuss. Is there not a cousin or someone who would mind the child while you went? Sorry for your loss.

Bit much.

Btw, I would take a baby before a toddler!

I dont think you need to call a grieving man a "dick".

Many chief mourners do not want a distraction at the funeral

Considering the bedlam some allow their DCs to unleash at weddings, this is something I understand

It's perfectly true this is the grandchild rather than some random baby, but at 11 months they'll neither know nor care about that and certainly won't remember being a part of it

As said, family relationships can be addressed later, but there's a time and place and this period probably isn't it

Where can I get a copy of this rule book about grief that you all seem to have read??

MIL's wishes take precedence. It's odd that you have no friends or family who could watch the baby.

He won't be alone. His dad will be there.

OP your DH needs to sort this with his DM.

Why can't you come to the funeral venue with baby but just not attend the service? You can sit in car with baby or take them for a stroll in pushchair and then meet everyone at the end of the service.

Surely your DC11 will be sat with family who can comfort them if they get very upset?

I absolutely understand not having babysitters on tap. We had to leave our small kids with a friend of my brother's family for my dad's funeral. I then picked them up and took them to the wake.

Hope you manage to find a solution that works for you all.

So I can't quote as it won't let me but OP on this whole
Thread you've made two posts - latest is

I don’t have siblings and my parents died a few years ago, I do have friends but no one has babysat baby for us before, to be honest I’ve not needed it!
I guess I could look online for a babysitter but I'm not sure I’m too happy to do that at such short notice? The funeral is 9.30am!

There’s really mixed comments, and that’s how I feel, really mixed on it… I want to support DH obviously but equally I can’t imagine my grief if I were to lose him so I do understand how MIL must be suffering terribly.

So do not take your youngest child who is 11 months old, your DH goes you stay behind

It's not a time nor a place for cuteness shouty till see or young baby stuff. It's an incredible loss for MIL of her husband of umpteen years

This is the one time it isn't about the babies or the children