Why won’t my SIL who’s staying this week let me be alone in the AM?

[Kidsaretryingtodestroyme]

I’m pissed off anyway as DH gave me 3 days warning SIL and BIL were coming over from abroad for a week to stay.

Routine 1 disrupted: I’ve got an extremely demanding job, work 3 days from home and they are sleeping in back bedroom which is my office meaning I have to work from kitchen table.

Routine 2 disrupted: I’m a terrible sleeper so have a habit of going downstairs at 3am to make myself a hot drink in the hope it will make me go back to sleep. After day 1 she commented she heard me going downstairs i.e I woke her so I can’t go downstairs anymore so instead lie in my hot bedroom unable to settle.

Routine 3 disrupted: Every morning I try to get up and have a coffee before my 2 primary aged kids and DH get up (when I can as youngest is usually in my room for 6.30am). Just 5 minutes me time. This is because, probably connected to my poor sleeping , I’m pretty grumpy in the morning. I do not want to interact. However, as soon as she hears me stir in my room, getting up to put on my dressing gown she leaps out of bed to put kettle on and empty dishwasher. When I get downstairs she’s asking me if I slept well and other morning small talk bull shit. I’m seriously not in the mood today because due to the heat (which I love in the daytime) and being confined to my room at night being unable to wander I’ve had about 2 hours sleep.

Not a big overnight houseguests fan anyway as I can’t stand having to make myself look presentable as soon as I get up.

I just want to scream. Give me some fucking space in my kitchen for 5 -10 minutes so I can sort myself out and become a friendly person. Fuck off!!!!!! How do I get her to stay on her room for a bit in the AM without being rude? I’m so tired I know my tone will be off.

Caffeine is not good if you are a poor sleeper. Can you switch to decaffeinated? Send your DH downstairs to make you coffee and I agree get up in the night and explain you are a poor sleeper. Sounds like it is not her fault though and she is trying to be helpful. Can you go for short early evening nap or listen to music after kids in bed just for some alone time? Let your DH entertain them.

Do you get plenty of exercise and fresh air as that helps me sleep better. This hot weather doesn't help.

Why do you need to stay? Surely meeting up for the day/ evening is enough? I never get this claustrophobic ‘must all be crammed into the same house together 24/7 otherwise it’s not proper family time’ mentality.

Everyone having their own space generally tends to work out better and be a nicer experience for all.

What do you do?

You get up at 2/3am as you need to and meet your own needs just as she's meeting hers.

Better still - get yourself a good thermos drinking cup and make a second one to take up with you so you can have your morning coffee in the bedroom so you're sorted before she pounces!

I completely get how frustrating this must be for you and by all means have serious words with your DH about not sprinting this on you again (I am also not a massive fan of hosting). However please don’t do as some PPs have said of asking her not to come in to the kitchen in the morning - not only would it come across as mean in any way you phrased it, it would be super awkward! It’s your husbands problem, not your SIL’s, try to make her feel welcome (even if she’s not haha)

I sympathise because I need time on my own in the morning but you're blowing this all out of proportion and interestingly you're blaming the woman who is trying to help for situations that you and your DH have created. Stop blaming your SIL.

She didn't stop you going downstairs in the night. You did. If you want to wander during the night, then do it.

With the dishwasher etc she is obviously trying to be helpful. So many MNers would love a guest who was determined to make sure the kitchen was clean and tidy for them. She has no way of knowing you're in the group who doesn't like it.

As for your desk - that's between you and your DH. Nothing to do with SIL. Work at the kitchen table - go into the office - go to the nearest library - all choices open to you. It's not for SIL to organise an alternate workspace for you.

Not everybody lives within a couple of hours of their family. If it take a long time to get there, surely youd stay? I have family and friends scattered all over the world. I always stay with them and we cant wait to see each other. Works out cheaper, better and so much nicer. There is give and take in every relationship. The OP only has a week of her SIL and family with her.

Some people just aren't well suited to having guests to stay. If you have rigid routines and get bad tempered when these are disrupted, it's better to just put your hands up and suggest they book Airbnb instead.

Well it works out cheaper for the person doing the traveling yes, not so much for the host.

I hate imposing on people and like my own space so when we go and see family and friends who live a long distance away, I much prefer to book into a local hotel/ air b n b. I don’t mind people staying with us, but for no more than 2-3 nights. I certainly couldn’t host people for a week, it would drive me insane and tbh, I think expecting to be hosted for a week and to impose on people for a week, especially if they don’t have a massive house and have young kids, WFH etc is cheeky and inconsiderate AF. Do a couple of days with them and then go to a hotel. It’s a lot hosting people for a week, I think people forget that.

1. I don't give a shit if I 'unsettle' a guest by moving about in my own home no matter what the hour. Get up in the night if you need to!
2. Go downstairs, grab that coffee, take the back door key, go outside and lock the door behind you. 10 mins in the garden first thing is glorious at the moment, especially the lovely coolness after a hot night.

Your needs are just as important, OP. They'll soon be gone.x.

Keep making your drink, maybe it will put her off staying in future. I am not a morning person and, as unreasonable as it is, busy 'morning people' annoy the hell out of me.

Yanbu I would find that so stressful. Have you spoke to a professional about your sleeping OP? X

You have my sympathy, my brain genuinely does not wake up.until 10 am, thats the time the 'morning fog' lifts, till themn I'm on autopilot

Everyone who knows me knows not a morning person and they leave me alone How do they know ? I tell them !

I feel sorry for you,but it's only for a week. I understand though,I sleep horrendously,have to get up for the loo and frequently a drink.Do what you need to do.
I adore the grandkids but not having them over as I don't get a second to myself and the cat just hides.But the kids love it so I just collapse when they have gone! Very rarely have anyone else to stay except daughter's bf. He's no trouble at all. I hate staying away myself,even at my partners. I am awake half the night but luckily he sleeps like a log.
Tell SIL to have a lie in. She might think she should get up as you are. If she likes an early coffee fair enough,just say sorry but you are grumpy first thing, I doubt she will mind.

My MIL is a wonderful woman but has a tendancy to witter on about everything and nothing for literally hours without coming up for air. She stays over here frequently and is up at 4am busying herself in the kitchen but is very distracting as she wants to chat to you instantly so I sometimes inform her I have a work audio seminar I need to listen to before I speak to my first client. I then put my headphones in, grab a coffee and sit staring out of the window. 9 times out of 10 there is nothing on the headphones but sometimes an audio book. I also keep my headphones in on the tube to avoid conversations.

I’d still go down stairs and make a drink if uou need to. If she says anything just say it’s what you always do when you can’t sleep.
As for her being chatty and helpful with the dish washer you’re probably being unreasonable as she’s obviously trying to be helpful.
Theyll be gone soon and I’d think about not hosting them unless you’re off work as it’s all a bit much. Not their fault but not ideal if you have to work and you’re knackered.
Maybe keep it to a 3 day bank holiday or something

Your husband needs to deal with her in the morning. Get him to get up and go down first. Then he can keep her chatting in the kitchen while you make your coffee and take it to drink by yourself in another room.
If you want to get up in the night do so. Explain thsts what you need to do and offer her some ear plugs. Might have the bonus benefit that she won't hear you get up at 630 either!

This isn’t about disruption to your routine. You’re pissed off at DH for springing this on you short notice and are finding ways to justify to yourself why you’re (still) annoyed. Suck it up. It’s a week.

Agreed. Go down and make your drink and hopefully it will make her sleep in later if it disrupts her sleep!
I've just had a thought though 🤔😂 what if she's a bad sleeper like you? With the mid-night drink waking her up and she's already awake when you're getting up..maybe you're both as stressed as each other!

I am the same way. Bad sleeper and when I am away from him the slightest noises/changes can set me off.

*from home

It's your house, and if you want to get up at 3 am to make tea, then do it! They are using your office and it must be damned annoying for you. I have had insomnia for decades, at least 25 years and often have 4 hours sleep and sometimes no sleep at all and it's so debilitating. It often takes hours to get to sleep and then I wake up several times in the night, and again very early, before I have to get up. It's exhausting and makes you very bad-tempered.

Drink decaf coffee your sleep might improve

I get where your coming from the overnight stayers etc, however do you think she’s just being helpful knowing you’ve got extra work load now that they are staying so she just feels she wants to help? I would be pissed if she was coming down at 10am expecting everything to be done etc. Think DH is the one you should have the issue with, he should have told you sooner & maybe in future tell him you don’t have room for guests to stay overnight as it disturbs family/work life which is difficult for you esp as you don’t sleep so well. Luckily it’s only a week, get the countdown going 😉

You have said though, that you 'know your tone will be off'. Please try not to do that- it's really unkind on someone who is trying to be nice to you.

Just let her know kindly that you need 10 minutes to yourself in the morning, it will be better for you both.

YANBU

I hate people in my house too, that said when I have been a guest I have regularly had comments about 'not being up on time'.

Its not like I sleep all day either say 9am-ish but most people who welcome house guests expect you to be up when they are.

my old best friend was terrible for this and she would get up a 5AM every day, by 6AM she would be poking me trying to wake me up... I HATED it, Im not a morning person in general but Im certainly not an EARLY morning person.