Why won’t my SIL who’s staying this week let me be alone in the AM?

[Kidsaretryingtodestroyme]

I’m pissed off anyway as DH gave me 3 days warning SIL and BIL were coming over from abroad for a week to stay.

Routine 1 disrupted: I’ve got an extremely demanding job, work 3 days from home and they are sleeping in back bedroom which is my office meaning I have to work from kitchen table.

Routine 2 disrupted: I’m a terrible sleeper so have a habit of going downstairs at 3am to make myself a hot drink in the hope it will make me go back to sleep. After day 1 she commented she heard me going downstairs i.e I woke her so I can’t go downstairs anymore so instead lie in my hot bedroom unable to settle.

Routine 3 disrupted: Every morning I try to get up and have a coffee before my 2 primary aged kids and DH get up (when I can as youngest is usually in my room for 6.30am). Just 5 minutes me time. This is because, probably connected to my poor sleeping , I’m pretty grumpy in the morning. I do not want to interact. However, as soon as she hears me stir in my room, getting up to put on my dressing gown she leaps out of bed to put kettle on and empty dishwasher. When I get downstairs she’s asking me if I slept well and other morning small talk bull shit. I’m seriously not in the mood today because due to the heat (which I love in the daytime) and being confined to my room at night being unable to wander I’ve had about 2 hours sleep.

Not a big overnight houseguests fan anyway as I can’t stand having to make myself look presentable as soon as I get up.

I just want to scream. Give me some fucking space in my kitchen for 5 -10 minutes so I can sort myself out and become a friendly person. Fuck off!!!!!! How do I get her to stay on her room for a bit in the AM without being rude? I’m so tired I know my tone will be off.

‘I can’t even imagine how unwelcome you’re making her feel.’

I’ve never been rude to her, I’m venting on here. I am a bit quiet with her in the mornings in order to prevent the grumpiness from showing but I’m never rude or unwelcoming.

2 things:
Speak up
And
"Its only 1 week op. You'll be ok"

YAB totally U I’m afraid
but also I’d feel the same

it’s not SILs fault you got no notice or she’s staying in your office. It’s normal to comment if someone gets up in the middle of the night. And she probably thinks she’s being nice and friendly and helpful in getting the kettle on for you and tidying up in the morning, and fitting in a bit of bonding time before you go to work.
she doesn’t know she’s not allowed in certain rooms at certain times.

i think you have to let that go, but you can maybe say I’m not very chatty in the morning, but shall we catch up on my coffee break at x time (if you get one)
and you can just say I’m really sorry I have to get up in the night, can I get you some ear plug or something to help

then you can be less tired and grumpy?!

do you actually like SIL maybe you can try to concentrate on the fact that she’s clearly trying to build on your relationship and it sounds like her intentions are good

But if you need to get up at 3am to get a drink, do it. Your home and if sil can hear you it is because she is awake as well.

Not a morning person either so tend to just ignore anyone who tries to interact with me, generally they get the message and back off.

On a side note, I was always a poor sleeper waking up multiple times every night with no good reason. I now take daily zinc and magnesium tablets which have been an absolute game changer. They did take more than a month before they had any effect but definitely worth persevering with. Sleeping badly is just soul destroying over a long period of time.

‘I now take daily zinc and magnesium tablets which have been an absolute game changer.’

Thanks. Buying today!

Thanks all. I know it’s me being unreasonable (with the help of DH), she not a mind reader. Only 2 more nights and 3 more days - I can do this.

You sound a delight. Poor woman must be treading on eggshells.

Sounds like she's trying to help you in the morning. Yabu it's disruption for a week

Have you spoken to her and just say sorry for being grumpy in a morning but you always need 30 mins of none interaction before you come too

This is miscommunication she is trying to be no burden by helping. You need to talk

Have you tried giving up caffeine? I'm a bit evangelical about it because I used to think I was just a generic bad sleeper but when I quit caffeine (for Lent) I honestly couldn't believe how much better I slept. Two weeks in and waking up refreshed every day was honestly life changing for me.

With your SIL, agree with others about making your hot drink in the night if it helps. But I wouldn't say anything about her getting up in the morning. She's trying to be nice and I'd suck it up for a week tbh.

You could make a flask of hot drink, and leave it by your bed, to drink whenever you want it. I would think, it's just 7 days, and do a mental count down until they leave!

Get up in the night, make a brew and also make a flask for the morning. Sit in bed (or on the loo!!) with a brew first thing

I'd agree you should say to her you like 5 mins alone in the morning to wake up - she's not psychic.

I'd not unreasonable or unusual so I'm sure she'd understand. If she's jumping out of bed to sort the dishwasher etc she maybe thinks that's why you're up before the rest of the family and is keen to help out.....doubt she's getting out her bed at 6.30 to load the dishwasher in order to piss you off. Much better than house guests that lounge around all day making a mess without helping.

I'd continue going downstairs during the night. It's your house. Doesn't even sound like she was complaining anyway. Just mentioning she heard you and if it's unusual to her for people to go down and make a drink in the middle of the night she was maybe wondering if everything was ok.

It all seems a bit dramatic over 1 week

Still get up in the night, but instead of going back to bed sleep on the sofa. That way sil won’t hear you getting up in the morning so you’ll have a head start 😁

Can you make coffee in a thermos last thing at night and drink it in your room?

I think at the core of this is your sleep problems - being sleep deprived will make you grumpy and unable to tolerate even small inconveniences.

I would focus on just surviving the visit then have a bit of a run on sorting your sleep (look online, lots of tips for changing diet, distressing etc),

Just say to her " would you please let me have 1/2 hour to myself first thing in the morning, I really need that space to prepare myself fir the day"

Say in in a calm and pleasant tone, she shouldn't be offended or accused

Have you RTFT?

I think people often pick up on things more than you realise

Have you spoken to her and just say sorry for being grumpy in a morning but you always need 30 mins of none interaction before you come too

Op started with needing 5 mins, now someone’s suggested 30. I’d just have done with it and say you need a full day’s non-interaction and you’ll see them for dinner!

I doubt she’ll visit again. So at least there’s that…

Get up in the night.

Wrt the morning, from her pov she probably feels like a bad guest, or guilty, that you are up and she is languishing in bed. Say ‘dear SIL, please don’t feel you need to get up until later, I usually enjoy a moments silence and planning for the day before the breakfast chaos, I’d much rather you relaxed’.

I feel your pain, OP. I hate having guests in the house and I feel completely shit if I haven't slept well, which is frequent, especially if I'm unsettled.

Ahhh I get it OP. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

I think some comments are unduly harsh. You know you're being unreasonable to feel this way towards her but when you're that tired, reason doesn't usually come into it

I think it sounds like a solid plan. But your SIL does also sound like the kind helpful type so I wouldn't shy away from mentioning it and still going downstairs first thing for some alone time

'SIL, thanks so much for getting up and helping first thing. I must confess I do cherish my morning alone time to gather my thoughts for the day first thing. So do enjoy a lie in and I can sort the kitchen in the morning'. Or something along those lines

It's your house, do what you want, they are inconveniencing you.
Also talk to her about the morning thing, tell her it's the only you time you get. Or just put up with it for the next few days, they'll be gone soon!

I haven’t read the full thread but could you put your kettle and coffee stuff in your room for the morning (like a B&B) so you can have it in peace?

Just stop all the drama and go to work and work in a coffee shop

this is your husbands fault entirely