Why won’t my SIL who’s staying this week let me be alone in the AM?

[Kidsaretryingtodestroyme]

I’m pissed off anyway as DH gave me 3 days warning SIL and BIL were coming over from abroad for a week to stay.

Routine 1 disrupted: I’ve got an extremely demanding job, work 3 days from home and they are sleeping in back bedroom which is my office meaning I have to work from kitchen table.

Routine 2 disrupted: I’m a terrible sleeper so have a habit of going downstairs at 3am to make myself a hot drink in the hope it will make me go back to sleep. After day 1 she commented she heard me going downstairs i.e I woke her so I can’t go downstairs anymore so instead lie in my hot bedroom unable to settle.

Routine 3 disrupted: Every morning I try to get up and have a coffee before my 2 primary aged kids and DH get up (when I can as youngest is usually in my room for 6.30am). Just 5 minutes me time. This is because, probably connected to my poor sleeping , I’m pretty grumpy in the morning. I do not want to interact. However, as soon as she hears me stir in my room, getting up to put on my dressing gown she leaps out of bed to put kettle on and empty dishwasher. When I get downstairs she’s asking me if I slept well and other morning small talk bull shit. I’m seriously not in the mood today because due to the heat (which I love in the daytime) and being confined to my room at night being unable to wander I’ve had about 2 hours sleep.

Not a big overnight houseguests fan anyway as I can’t stand having to make myself look presentable as soon as I get up.

I just want to scream. Give me some fucking space in my kitchen for 5 -10 minutes so I can sort myself out and become a friendly person. Fuck off!!!!!! How do I get her to stay on her room for a bit in the AM without being rude? I’m so tired I know my tone will be off.

Would you say she is reasonable? Why don’t you just tell her.

it will almost certainly be easier for them for you not to work in the kitchen. Couldn’t you swap round whilst they have breakfast?

Are you absolutely incapable of handling the conversation?
a tiny bit of openness and honesty goes a long way.

It's her house, she shouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate their needs, they should for her

Make a chuff chart and cross off the days. Failing that take a positive Covid test.

I agree.

I wouldn't dream of it.

But then I wouldn't dream of landing in on family for a week without having spoken to the woman of the house.🙄

Who even does that?🙄

Having the OP's office put out of action.

I think her husband and his family are super rude.

She sounds like she's trying to be helpful. The problem is your DH. Is he pulling his weight with chores, cleaning, changing beds etc., while they're staying? For example, if you're tired from difficulty sleeping, can he do the kids and dinner in the evening with SIL/BIL while you catch up on sleep?

And you sound utterly bereft.

But then I wouldn't dream of landing in on family for a week without having spoken to the woman of the house.

Really? I’d ask my brother about staying and assume he’d check with his wife. I don’t assume it’s her job to make the arrangements.

We have a mattress downstairs in the summer. We are 4 adults (DH and me and our 2 adult kids ) in a small house and if anyone can't sleep (it is too hot upstairs) they can go downstairs, lay the mattress down and fiddle, read, scroll in the cool and then sleep there without waking the others up.

Also useful for my daughter who works shifts that finish very late, she used to wake us up coming upstairs at 3am.

We put a post-it note on the lounge door if someone is asleep in there.
Could you do that OP? Go down for a drink in the middle of the night and finish the night downstairs?

I agree though, SiL should not be intruding on your quiet time and DH should have asked you first or set up the guest bed in the lounge for them.
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When I've had enough of other people I go and work in our public library.

Yes, I would definitely have a double check with my brothers wife.

A week is a long time.
I would be checking out does it really suit, could I bring some meals etc.

He gave her three days notice to have family which is no notice IMO, with young children and while she is working from home.

I would consider it a huge imposition.

I repeat, I also wouldn't dream of mentioning that my sleep had been disturbed by her getting up.

Oh my word, I really feel for you @Kidsaretryingtodestroyme

I'd be reading my husband the riot act. It's not even about giving notice, you should have agreed to them coming full stop - why did you not get a say in this?

Pleasantly reassure her that she doesn't need to get up when she hears you, she's free to get up when she likes. Apologise if you've been a bit surly in the mornings (even if you havent) and tell her you sleep badly and it takes you time to come to, you're poor company first thing. She sounds astute enough to read between the lines and I'd clearly trying to be a considerate house guest.

I'm the same as you and this is what I do. Partly because I'd be mortified if I accidently upset anyone by being withdrawn first thing. I make it a standing joke that I'm grumpy until I've woken up, everyone joins and between me making an effort and them bring understanding its all fine.

I think taking yourself into the garden with your morning coffee is a great idea.

Your husband owes you more than a verbal apology for this btw.

I'd have read your husband the riot act, frankly.

You work from home. You WORK from home. That is how you bring money into your household. And he has unilaterally decided to disrupt that by handing over your work space to his sibling and spouse without discussion, and then carried on his merry way with his own life while you struggle to do your actual job. And heaven forbid if you should disrupt their holiday in your own home!

Why on earth have you not ejected them. Tell your DH to find them some place else to stay he can pay for it ... and go with them if he thinks you're the one in the wrong.

I would be checking out does it really suit, could I bring some meals etc

Me too, and certainly wouldn’t have complained about being woken. I wouldn’t assume the woman of the house was in charge of meals and guests though, I’d ask my brother what he needed. If I had a sister I’d ask her and not check with her husband about meals.

The husband in this case is clearly a dick though, I’d go nuts if someone sprung this on me at such short notice.

you communicate by saying at the end of the day

I am really not a morning person, if you could give me 20 minutes in the morning to come round it would be really appreciated

Instead of screaming in your head , just tell her, in a calm normal voice.

Wow I'm glad I'm not her ! It's not her fault and she's just being helpful and friendly. Your husband on the other hand is unreasonable for just steaming ahead with hosting without asking you for your input or even letting you know !

I don't think you can ask her to stay in her room without being rude...it IS rude ! Take your coffee back to your bedroom and have it there instead- at least you can tell your husband to leave you alone for 5 minutes.

When people say “I’d read my husband the riot act”, what exactly does that entail?

My sister is fairly difficult and hates my brother in law’s family coming to stay (they live abroad). Now, he cleans the house and doesn’t tell her until he has to. Might be a bit shit, but it’s basically because otherwise he’ll have his ear bent all week

It's just a week. Get over yourself. If you need to go downstairs in the night, do so. She can sleep in next morning if she gets woken up, and then you will get your 5 mins to put on the kettle and do the dishwasher yourself and then you can moan she doesn't even do that for you.

TBH some people find it rude to lie in their bed when their hosts get up so maybe you need to let her know it's something you'd prefer. And again, as someone said, it's just for a week and she's trying to help. Read other threads for how lazy some guests are (and for much longer).

Oh god I feel your pain OP. I’m exaclty the same as you re houseguests and without fail, all of them have got up as soon as they hear me stir and are straight down into the kitchen in the mornings and I REALLY struggle with it as, like you, it’s my bit of downtime before the day starts and I really need/ value it and get resentful if it’s taken away.

I would always let me hosts have 30 mins in the kitchen in the morning before descending on them. Some people just don’t think.

I think I’d make my cup of tea and then take it back to bed or living room or somewhere where hopefully she won’t follow so I didn’t have to make small talk and then say ‘just going to take this upstairs as I need 30 mins to wake in the morning and for the caffeine to kick in’

Hopefully she’ll get the hint!

I don't feel sorry for her.

The decent thing is to book a hotel, not crowd relatives who work from home, have young kids, etc.

She should have recognized what an imposition this is and arranged other accommodations.

Work in your bedroom/ garden shed , more peaceful than kitchen.
Leave everything out for your 3am cuppa - that leaves switching on and running the kettle as the risk of noise maker - perhaps move kettle to front porch, lounge, anywhere she won't hear.
Drink you morning coffee in the garden - it's lovely at this time of year.

Didn't he clean the house and change the beds for his family coming before? If not, HWBU.

There's two reasons to get annoyed about unexpectedly having to host people. One is because hosting people is extra work and unless the person inviting them to stay is actually going to do the work, then it's infuriating to have no say in inviting them but be expected to clean, change beds and cook for extra people. The other reason is because you genuinely dislike having other people (or certain other people) in your home.

If the first situation, I have sympathy for her. It's sexist but women unfortunately are generally expected to make much more effort for guests and are judged more harshly if their houses aren't 'guest-ready'. So no wonder that they might be less enthusiastic about guests, especially if those guests don't muck in. If the second, then I agree it's somewhat unreasonable always to moan about her husband's family coming to stay... they're his family after all.

My PILs come to stay with us fairly often but I am clear with my DH that he is in charge of organising meals for them. I will help (as do they) but I have no desire to be head chef and hot drink provider. They know where the kettle and the biscuit tin are and, if DH doesn't want to cook for them, he knows how to order takeaway. Sometimes I will cook if I was planning to anyway and fancy doing something in particular. But feeding people is not my responsibility.

You never go and stay with your family? What a sad existence

The OP wfh and her office is needed for guests.

How low do your standards have to be to not think your husband springing guests on you, three days before they arrive, which means your work space is out ofaction, is not really disrespectful of you and your job?

I would be furious at the disrespect and the way to deal with it is to say it's not happening and go back and tell YOUR family that YOU forgot to check with me, AND then forgot to even tell me, so unfortunately it just doesn't suit.

But I cannot imagine a decent man doing that, and I certainly couldn't imagine mine doing it.

But then I wouldn't dream of staying with someone for a week, who was living in a small house, wfh, with small children.🙄

If a guest told me they'd heard me in the night - I'd produce a packet of earplugs and suggest they might like to use them!

Offer her a flask of tea to take up with her in the evenings? Although it sounds like she doesn't sleep much in other people's houses and lies there dying to get out of the bedroom...

But yes, houseguests and working from home do not go together at all. One month of notice or 3 days - still problematic.