AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

I absolutely would not allow that rule to be dictated in my home, and I would stop my DD eating at theirs.

Not a chance would i let such an unhealthy thing be forced on my child.

Your DD follows your rules, theirs follow their rules. They either accept that or you don’t mix for dinner with them.

Except that isn't the result the parent wants. The parent wants the child to leave the table feeling they've had enough to eat, but also having given priority to the main meal. If my child told me "Fine by me." that would be fine by me too. For whatever reason they've got a smaller appetite that day, but have satisfied it with the healthy part of their meal: perfect!

YANBU the other mother doesn't get to enforce her rules in your house. As another poster has said, it can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food.

The rule we had in my parents house when I was growing up was that if you helped yourself, you ate everything on your plate. If someone else put the food on your plate, then you didn't have to.

I follow a similar ethos. If I ask my kids how many fish fingers they want and one says 2 and the other 4, I expect them to eat their fish fingers. If I were to put 4 on both plates and my son didn't eat two, I obviously gave him too much. However if he asked for 4 and ate 2, he would be expected to eat at least 3 & I'd be annoyed with him, mainly because I hate wasting food.

I would stop inviting them over for food and avoid play dates over meal times moving forwards.

Your friend has weird and unhealthy attitudes to food.
There's no way I would be making my child follow their rules anywhere. Not my house or theirs.

You parent your way end of story,
put it in to practice at the table
“dd had enough to eat?
yes lovely here’s your pudding”… if friend comments just say we don’t hold to that here , job done. I would try and cut back on meal times with them though if it’s making your dd anxious until it can be resolved , wish you well with it

Omg your friend is extremely U and I don’t think it’s extreme to say that her behaviour is abusive. Do not force feed a child, bodily autonomy applies to all things Inc food and not just in situations re private parts etc.

please do not send your daughter there, your ‘friend’ will not change her rules.

why is is different for you when it comes to ‘your house your rules’

this post has me fuming

My cousin and her family were once visiting friends for a meal. The female friend told the children that they couldn't leave the table until they'd cleared their plates.
My cousin told her very plainly that they didn't do that at home, and that they were under no circumstances to be 'forced' to eat more than they wanted.
She'd been made to do that as a child, and has struggled with her weight for her entire adult life.
Both of her children (now grown up) are slim, and have never had any issues with food.
And besides, one person's 'portion' can be very different to anothers. I can't eat a lot in one go, l feel full after quite a small amount of food, where my ex husband could clear a huge piled up dinner plate of food, and still want pudding.

Wow did not know the links between clearing plates an being overweight

YANBU. Being forced to clearing plates is awful - kids know when they're full and all it does is teach them not to trust their instinct re when they've had enough. It's arbitrary and unfair.

Saying if a child has eaten all the chips and left veg untouched that they must try the veg before having pud is one thing but again, using sweet pudding as a reward is unhealthy too.

In our house we talk about the benefits / downsides of all food - ie choc is great But Too much sugar etc m isn't. Veg is good for x, y and z. Meat is important for protein, etc.

As for enforcing rules - I think if you're there she should defer to you for your kid - old enough to understand that it's different rules for different families but if you're not there then I guess she just goes without pudding. Wouldn't be surprised if she ends up not wanting to go there after a while though.

"with the threat of no pudding hanging over her"

O give over. If she doesn't eat all her food at the friends house :SHELL SURVIVE not being able to eat pudding.
So .. yeah. Their house. Their rules
But the fact they think their rules in your house too whenever their kids are there is bonkers.

And pp's that argue clearing your plate causes eating disorders..... that's just absurd. Unless your parents feed you dog food. It won't kill you to be told to eat your veggies.

Simple solution stop the joining together for mealtimes, that way you can, as seperate families do your own thing, For what its worth I think your friends are rather draconian and I would not engage with their ideas, No good will come of their set ways surrounding meals,they are setting their kids impossible standards and the kids will defy them but not in a healthy way,This stance they have will cause untold damage and the kids will learn to lie and cheat the rules and its all storing problems up for the future in my view.

Yep, I tend to agree.

Why on earth are you doing mealtimes so often with this person. No way would I force my child to eat everything on their plate. I'm lucky mine are great eaters but I'm also very relaxed about it and some days my gang eat better than other days and enjoy certain foods more. I know myself sometimes I'm starving and sometimes I'm not as hungry

Your friends are forcing their kids into eating disorders! Eating should NOT be based on a set rule. It should be based on what is good for the child. If a child is full, then the child shouldn't be forced to eat more. Doing so sets the child up for future issues. They learn that they must clean their plate and, in so doing, they learn to ignore their own internal body gauge that tells them they are full. When you eat past being satiated, your body is going to eventually begin to store that excess food as fat. When you are a little kid, you won't see the result as much because they tend to have a high metabolism, BUT you can if the parent packs the plate with too much food. YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S ADVOCATE! Do NOT allow their rules to impact your child! Parents who are rigid like that usually have some other issues. Don't make their issues yours OR your childs! PERIOD!

The only thing you're doing is teaching your child to have an unhealthy relationship with food. My mom pulled this stunt on me and it taught me how to hide food. Sometimes Id swallow food I hated whole (choking risk). It made me not want to try new things for the longest time. And also.. what kid doesnt love dessert?!

The clean your plate rule needs to be scrubbed.. just because you think it's the right amount doesn't mean it is. I do however work as a cook within a school that makes a lot of food for scratch so I do know from professional dietitians how much kids are suppose to eat. I still dont apply any of these rules to my kid because every kid is different. Studies have also shown that the clean you plate rule teaches over eating.

Also, as a parent if I heard another parent was trying to force my kid to each more than she has room for (again, eating but saving room for dessert) I'd be pissed... because you may think you know what's best.. but that's just your ego.

Has your friend never heard of leftovers? If they don't finish their plate put it away and have them eat it for lunch the next day. Or even eat it yourself. Why the f should any child be forced to eat more than they can stomach. I've noticed most parents that do this, and don't seem to understand that you can just put the rest in the fridge for later, are parents who are the ones to fill a huge plate for the kids themselves. Also if your kid isn't eating everything on the plate, either that you fill or they do, maybe start having them use a smaller plate. Oh and stop trying to force kids to eat things they hate, if you wouldn't do that with an adult don't do it with a kid.

YANBU. As someone who has experienced issues with food, my child would not be eating there again and I’d tell her to take her warped views and get fucked, frankly.

Please don't allow that to continue. As someone who was made to clean my plate it is still an issue in my life. I know I don't need to clear it now but it is ingrained in me to do it.
Your child should be given the choice to stop so they are learning their own needs and bodies requirements. It teaches them to leave some room for dessert and realise portion sizes.
To continue to expose your child to that other mother she dreads going to see is creating an even bigger problem as it could lead to anxiety and depression.
That other mother is an entitled person enforcing her rules like that. She says something isn't fair but is literally the one being unfair.

I have a few friends who now struggle with various eating disorders with their therapists suggesting they stem from a "clear plate rule". the whole thing is pretty unreasonable to me. it leads people to overeat past the point when they're full due to growing up feeling guilty or punished if they don't so so. or then not eating at all to try to lose weight from overeating :/

she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply -
No mate - you don't get to impose your rule on my child in her own home.
She will abide by it at YOUR home, but don't you dare impose on her in ours.
Saying "fair enough BUT" is 100% disingenuous. She clearly doesn;t think it's fair, & feels you ought to kowtow to her parenting choices.

it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.
Christ on a bike she's immature. She sounds like a child -"But muuuuuuuum all the other kids are allowed to stay up til midnight/have an ipad/go to the rave" ...

Maybe she can have a think about why she feels the need to risk giving her DC an eating disorder. Too much rules-based stuff - especially forcing kids to eat something they don't want - is bound to lead to friction & too much focus on food.
Besides - why is she feeding a pudding after every dinner? It's not necessary.

Kids avoiding food on their dinner plate and then being given dessert, also can cause eating disorders. I'm not advocating one parenting method over another, I just don't find it reasonable to condemn a general method that can be expressed and received so very very differently in different homes, different parents, different children.

YANBU and should stop eating with this other family for your daughter's sake. They are beyond ridiculous.

Let those parents parent their children their way, respect and work around their rules if you eat at their home (e.g
talk to your child; offer her a treat the next day if she forgoes dessert at their house, and serve her less food), and certainly parent your kids your own way in your own home. Parents should not be complaining unfairness, they should be teaching their children to mitigate and reframe unfairness. "It's not fair Tammy gets to eat dessert when I have to clear my whole plate. " "Yes well you're my child and you have a different life from Tammy, different parents different home different cousins different books/toys. Do you want everything the same as Tammy? No? Good, I love you as you; finish your delicious love-filled meal if you would also like dessert."

I think you need to stop having meals with these idiots.

It's a terrible rule.

I think I would just tell my DC they don't have to clear their plate and they can have pudding after the others leave.

We basically don't do pudding, just yoghurt and fruit which is served as part of the main meal.