AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

Your house, your rules. You are setting a good example -

I remember when my DD was breastfeeding. Even then she was feisty and knew her own limits.

I'm not joking but she used to have a feed and when she was done with her little hands she would push me away as if to say 'that's okay you can go now!' it was quite funny!

All that stuff around 'another spoonful for daddy/mum' can be very damaging.

Not sure about avoiding eating together, you will be setting a good example if you don't force them to finish their plates.

Have things in big bowls and then can take as much or as little as they want.

Please do.

I'm 46 and I was taking to my Mum about this recently. She never forced us to finish our plate and I think it gave us a healthy attitude to understanding when we were full.

I agree!! SO outdated.
I'm all for not letting kids substitute 'crap' for 'proper' food & following through on things etc but this situation is ridiculous - you know your child & you get to decide what she does & doesn't have to eat - especially in your own home!! They should DEFINITELY observe your 'rules' then!! When you go to theirs, just agree with your little one in advance that you'll ensure she has a small portion that she can manage. Make sure she knows it's just the unusual situation at that friend's house & not about her at all.

I wouldn't do this in my house and wouldn't eat at that friend's house if they insist on it there. That goes beyond the "their house their rules" trope to abuse. If they smacked their child, would you allow them to smack yours because "their house"?

Agree with the majority of posters above. I don’t think people should be forced to clear their plate, but I also don’t think pudding should be included in every meal, it reinforces that you need something sweet at every mealtime (and yes I do include fruit with that).

Your friend’s food rules are her business and your food rules are yours. Your house your rules, equally your child in your own home your rules too. I don’t see the big drama about your DD being ‘forced’ to eat food at your friend’s house. Your friend is just doing as she normally does. She can hardly have one rule for her own children in her own home an another for yours. Just tell DD to eat what she wants and if she doesn’t get pudding at friend’s house you’ll give her a little sweet treat when you get home if that’s what you want

I think the constant expectation of pudding is part of the problem.

I just never wanted to spend money on a constant stream of plastic pots , and was certainly too lazy / busy as a f/t working mum to think about, make or supply pudding with every meal.

Stop eating meals with them. I hate this shit. They are free to impose it on their kids at their house but not yours at your house!!

I seriously doubt friend is ‘forcing’ DD to eat anything. She’s just saying ‘no pudding if you don’t’. Give DD a treat at home if you want. She doesn’t have to finish anything. God, the drama on here. ‘Child abuse’ etc 🙄

Your friend can do what she likes with her kids, but not with yours. I personally have never made my kids finish their meals, BUT as they have got older we have talked about healthy eating and what makes a balanced diet etc. I never say no to pudding but we don’t have loads of ‘pudding’ stuff in the house really, so it’s not a huge issue, maybe a couple of squares of chocolate after dinner or fruit or whatever.

I also think we have completely lost sight of what a child’s portion of food should look like, which is why being made to clear the plate is even more unhelpful- as the likelihood is it’s too much food to start with.

Yanbu.

if you do eat at their house can you ask for her to have a smaller portion as it’s just too much food for her. It’s crazy for anyone to be pushing kids to eat more than they want/need.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

Just tell your friend it isn’t happening at your house. And avoid sending your daughter to your friend to eat, if you occasionally do do this, just remind your daughter before hand that your friend has these rules and that’s that.

Don’t get into who’s right and who isn’t, depending on the nuances, either approach has it’s points.

I would never force a child to clear their plate. I also never got out the ice-cream, puddings, fruit and yoghurt (that old MN staple at every meal) if she only ate half a new potato and three bits of sweetcorn.

I never have and never will force my DD to clear her plate. And I would never allow someone elses rules to dictate this. DD has to eat a decent amount, but forcing her to overeat when she doesn’t want to just leads to disordered eating and not listening to what her body is telling her.

Problem is, examples like this are anecdotal. My DH was brought up in a family where pudding was always available, you didn't have to finish your main for it etc. No pressure over eating. Both he and his two sisters have struggled hugely with their weight throughout adolescence and adulthood. Even now he will often only eat half a normal main dinner and then eat a bowl of dessert. So it's definitely caused them disordered eating.
I was brought up in a family where you didn't have to clear your plate, but you couldn't have a dessert unless you had. But dessert was also only at weekends and events. The rest of the week you could have seconds of your main, or a piece of bread and butter if you were still hungry. I was slim until I met my DH and got into the habit of daily puddings!

but that's also anecdotal

I had a friend with children who my dds adore who did this. It's one of the reasons I withdrew from that friendship. Her assumption that her rule takes priority over my parenting choices for my bloody children was a crock of shit it just took me a while to face up to.

We can go months, years even on my house without a meal related drama. I don't need to be coached with my parenting from an unwelcome source.

It's a shame because the kids were so close but this was a big issue.

The rule these people are trying to impose on OP’s daughter is, ‘you clear your plate or you don’t get a pudding’. That is clearly not the same as saying, ‘have a decent stab at eating a reasonable amount of everything your body needs for satiety/good health and then have a reasonable amount of pudding to supplement your meal’.

People (adult or child) should eat until they are full, not until the ‘set amount’ has gone. In our family, as we all had different appetites, we out the food in the middle of the table and helped ourselves to the amount that we wanted. If we took it, we had to eat it so we were encouraged to take a small amount and then more later if we wanted it.
Your friend’s approach is wrong and right. Wrong as forcing the kid to finish more than she wants is unhealthy. But if she doesn’t want any more food as she is full she should not get pudding - she is full right?

surely their kids need to learn at some point that other families have different rules. It’s really rude of them to push that rule if they aren’t the bloody hosts.

Your friend's rule is terrible and you should not allow her to impose that on your daughter. If I were you, I would completely stop having meals together

I wouldn’t be having meals with them ever again.

Far easier to not make sweet stuff the prize at the end of every meal in the first place.

Mine had things like grapes, apple or fromage frais with their lunches but it didn't matter whether they ate it first, last or alternating with the savoury. It also meant that they learned to accept more challenging tastes, as they could always combine them with something sweeter/slightly acidic and became accustomed to the taste of cruciferous veg, rocket, spinach and suchlike in the process.

They still had desserts with weekend meals or weekend breakfasts like pastries or pancakes with yoghurt, lemon curd and strawberries, it was just a way of encouraging them to get pleasure from more than just ice cream and haribo.

The regimented 'this is savoury so you must eat it first and only then do you get the prize of sweet things' just doesn't work for everyone in terms of shaping a varied diet.

Maybe drop the mealtimes with them altogether? Picnics when warm ,everyone can help themselves.I think being forced to eat when full is damaging .When I had School Dinners as a child ,was forced to eat mashed potato! Result was sick afterwards didnt happen again.I well remember that feeling of taking my plate to show the dinner lady, and being sent back to eat more!(A kind of reverse Oliver Twist)! Maybe look for more suitable friends?

The other flaw with the 'you won't get any pudding' thing is that it sets up a contract that doesn't necessarily get the parent what they want - which is a clean plate, for some reason.

"If you don't eat all your dinner, you won't get any pudding."

"Fine by me."

...so now what, parent?